December 31st, 2008

THE PLAYGIRLS AND THE VAMPIRE (1963) * ½

A quintet of sexy showgirls gets lost in a rainstorm and end up spending the night at an eerie castle owned by the sinister “Count”.  Once the girls get settled in, they promptly put on flimsy negligees and run around the castle until one of them ends up bitten by The Count.  She of course, becomes a vampire and gets really jealous when The Count wants to make one of the other girls his new vampire bride. 

 

The Playgirls and the Vampire is pretty much a snoozer from the get-go.  To make matters worse, it goes on FOREVER.  I mean The Count gets staked at about the 70 minute mark and the movie STILL isn’t over.  Even though the main villain is dead, you have to sit through about another ten minutes of lovey dovey romantic bull honky.  Weak. 

 

Not even the brief glimpses of nudity and blood will be able to keep you awake for this one.  (It took me two tries to successfully get all the way through it, and even then it was something of a chore.)  While the cinematography is top notch, the sets are well done, and some of the dubbing is good for a laugh; in the end, the film is nothing more than an efficient Ambien substitute.

 

One of the dim-bulb playgirls gets the best line of the movie when she says, “I’ve had enough of these strange mysteries!”

 

AKA:  Curse of the Vampire.  AKA:  Daughters of the Vampire.  AKA:  Desires of the Vampire.  AKA:  Last Victim of the Vampire.  AKA:  The Last Prey of the Vampire.  AKA:  The Vampire’s Last Victim.

AMERICAN DRIVE-IN (1985) **

A dude takes his best gal to the Drive-In to propose to her and they get into a big fight.  She ends up getting kidnapped by a greaser gang who try to rape her.  The chick’s boyfriend ends up in the hospital so he can’t protect her, so it’s up to her to defend her own snatch.  While the Drive-In audience looks on, she holds her attackers at gunpoint and forces them to beat the crap out of each other. 

 

This flick started out pretty good with some funny scenes of people making out (the tit count was fairly high) and a bumbling politician trying to bust a pot ring.  Once the whole street gang tried to rape the chick, the movie kinda went off the rails.  These scenes just didn’t work and felt like they belonged in another movie.

 

The Drive-In is a part of Americana that deserves its own movie.  Unfortunately, American Drive-In just doesn’t do the good old Drive-In justice.  The reason flick is mostly a failure is because it was written and directed by Krishna Shah, a dude from India who probably didn’t know dick about the Drive-In to begin with.  I did some looking online and could only find ONE damn Drive-In in all of India.  I’m sure that potential rapists that look like refugees from Sha-Na-Na are a dime a dozen at that Drive-In in India, but here in America, we don’t put up with that shit.  If he had called it Indian Drive-In and put in a bunch of those Bollywood style musical numbers, it might have worked.  As it is, the film is just not archetypical enough of the pure AMERICAN Drive-In experience to qualify it as a good flick.

The main chick gets the best line of the movie when she tells the gang leader, “You want to get into my pants?  Sorry, I already have one asshole in here!”