January 8th, 2009

SHE CAME ON THE BUS (1969) * ½

A group of hooligans break into a suburban home, drug up an innocent housewife and repeatedly rape her.  Then an Avon Lady comes a calling on the house and they do the same thing to her.  Still looking for kicks, the delinquents next hijack a bus, kill the driver and proceed to pick up a duo of dames and the gang (SURPRISE!) rapes them too.  After that, they go back to the housewife’s home and… you guessed it, rape them some more.  Then, they get BACK on the bus… look it just kinda goes on like that.


Although I have a high tolerance for these nudie flicks from the 60’s, even I have to admit that She Came on the Bus ain’t very good.  She Came on the Bus is one of those Silent Stag Movie deals where there is no sound except for some hammy narration.  Unfortunately, the narrator in this one doesn’t speak up a whole lot so you’re left with listening to a bunch of classical music for most of the movie’s running time.  Even though the flick is only an hour long, it seemingly goes on forever.  In fact, at one point the narrator says, “The minutes seemed like hours and the hours seemed like eternity!”  You’ll feel the same way.


Despite a strong opening scene, She Came on the Bus completely lost my interest by the time the rapists actually got on the damn bus.    All the sex scenes were more or less the same.  The hooligans hassle the women, drug them, and rape them.  The only difference is that near the end they start doing their raping on a bus.  To add insult to injury, all of the actors and actresses keep their pants on for whatever reason.  This is definitely one bus trip not worth taking.  Great title though.


AKA:  She Came by the Bus.  AKA:  The Sick Ones.

SIN MAGAZINE (1965) **

A dude gets released from the mental institution and although he’s considered mentally fit, he still has bizarre dreams.  Even though he’s married to a hot chick, he also keeps a hateful mistress who he can’t get it up for.  Strapped for cash, he starts up an adult magazine with his brother and things begin to look promising for him.  When he catches his wife making out with his brother, he reverts back to his mental ways and starts a Brother vs. Brother battle that ends up with both siblings dead.


The pre-title scene of this movie is truly awesome.  The guy has a nightmare in which a bikini clad babe in a surgeon’s mask ties him to an operating table and slashes open our hero’s face.  It’s pretty shocking and disturbing, but unfortunately nothing else in the flick is really worth a damn.  After the promising start, things get kinda boring and the film turns into more of a family drama than the smutty movie that we’ve been promised.


In fact, very little is actually even done with the concept of the magazine.  There are a couple scenes where a photographer snaps a few sexy pictures and a scene where the brothers examine the photos, but that’s about it.  The flick is mostly just a lot of endless scenes of pointless padding; the funniest is the scene where the rhythmless white people do the twist.  Although this flick isn’t all that hot, that nightmare scene is one for the books so I can’t bear to give it any less than **.


The Sin Syndicate was the directing debut of Michael Findlay, the man who would go on to direct such classics as The Curse of Her Flesh and Shriek of the Mutliated.  It’s all about how a couple of women get recruited to be “Zero Girls”; chicks that strip and hook for the Mob who make moolah off the broad’s bodies.  Or something like that.  Actually it’s a mishmash of stuff.  There’s hookers, Senate hearings (clearly filmed in someone’s apartment and NOT Capital Hill), belly dancing, gratuitous WWII stock footage, rape and lots of stripping.  Some of these strippers have the oddest builds.  I mean one girl hardly has any ta-ta’s and the other girl has thighs like a bull.  None of it is very sexy to say the least.


I actually kinda had high hopes for this flick because I’m a big fan of Findlay; sadly though, The Sin Syndicate is pretty bad.  Sure, I could’ve told you it was gong to be bad before I popped the movie into my DVD player, but I was hoping it was going to be bad in a So-Bad-It’s-Good kind of way.  The Sin Syndicate is just plain bad.  The dialogue is poorly synched, the plot is a mess and most of the girls are straight-up dogs.  Also, the title seems a little redundant.  I mean wouldn’t have been cooler to call it The Sin-dicate instead?  Oh well, it was Michael’s first time out, so I’ll give him a Mulligan on the title.  Luckily for us, he got a lot better behind the camera and went on to make some truly twisted classics. 


AKA:  The Zero Girls.  AKA:  Jazz Me Baby.


The Watcher in the Attic is a movie about a dude who likes to hide in an attic and watch people have sex.  And lucky for him, these fuckers are into some freaky shit.  One guy likes to dress up like Bozo the Clown while he chows down on his old lady’s box.  Then there’s this one chick that gets off on dressing her lesbian lover up like a deer.  Another guy likes to hide INSIDE of a woman’s chair and gets off when she sits on him.  But getting back to the girl with the clown fetish for a second; this chick gets her man to go down her this one time with his clown face on and she cums so hard that she suffocates him by wrapping her legs around his neck too tightly when she climaxes.  Then the Watcher dude gets so turned on from all the watching, he decides to kill everybody.


Man, Japanese people are kinky.


I’ll tell ya folks; this is one classy softcore production.  Everything is elegantly filmed and the acting is good enough for Masterpiece Theater.  The problem is that the sex isn’t all that hot.  Sure it’s kinkier than most movies, but I can honestly say I didn’t get a chub or anything from watching it.  A lot of the problem stems from the fact that most of the sex revolves around women getting their pussy licked.  If that sort of thing turns you on, then you’re gonna love The Watcher in the Attic.  Me, I’m more of a boning and moaning kind of guy.  Plus, this chick that always gets her box chowed down on never once reciprocates for her man.  I mean this clown dude licks her like there’s no tomorrow and the guy never gets rewarded with a blow job in return.  How common can you get? 


Also, the flick starts to lose a little something once the Watcher stops watching and starts killing people.  While it might’ve been cool if he used a chainsaw or something to off his victims, since he uses poison to do people in, it leaves a lot to be desired.  The coitus interruptus via earthquake ending doesn’t help matters either.  Still, the flick features a lot of Japanese people doing a bunch of freaky shit, so if that you’re cup of Jack Daniels, then drink up.


Best line:  “Whenever I eat frogs, I think of you!”

DESCENT (2007) ** ½

Rosario Dawson stars as a mousy college student who goes to a kegger party and meets this dopey looking frat boy.  He weasels his way into getting a date with her and after a glass of wine, he rapes her.  Afterwards, she gets all depressed and starts sniffing coke and hanging out with this obnoxious musclebound Jamaican DJ who makes people smoke cigarettes from in between his toes.  Later on, she has a chance encounter with her rapist and smooth talks her way into getting a date with him.  This time though the tables are turned and the idiot doesn’t have a clue to what’s in store for him, especially when Rosario gets her DJ buddy to… no I’m not going to spoil to for you.


I will say this though:  The frat guy will definitely be having some problems pooping for the next week or so.


Usually I can take or leave Rosario Dawson, but she was pretty good in this flick.  She did a nice job in both her pre-rape innocent phase and her post-rape “I don’t give a fuck” phase.  What totally didn’t work was that the filmmakers completely shortchanged her character by not showing her full evolution.  She just basically goes from being sweet and innocent to aloof and uncaring.  I think the flick would’ve been a lot more emotionally involving for the audience if we actually saw more of her dealing with aftermath of the rape, instead of just flashing forward several months to her already wallowing in despair. 


The ending is brutal, hard to watch, and completely gratuitous, but the dude got what he deserved so it was justified.  I also got a kick out of seeing Dawson’s Death Proof co-stars Vanessa Ferlito and Tracie Thoms turning up in small roles too.  As rape & revenge movies go; this certainly wasn’t no Ms. 45 or anything, but Descent was decent enough to warrant ** ½.