Now on with the show. Before I give this first award out though, I’d just like to remind everyone when these awards were announced I made an open statement in which I said that I was “open to monetary bribes” to sway the judges. If somebody REALLY wanted to win these awards they would’ve ponyed up the dough, but nobody did. So if you lose, it’s your own damn fault for not spreading the wealth.
BEST ACTION MOVIE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
DOOMSDAY
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
IRON MAN
RAMBO
TROPIC THUNDER
AND THE WINNER IS… RAMBO! THE ONLY MOVIE TO MAKE SAVING PRIVATE RYAN LOOK LIKE SENSE AND SENSIBILITY.
BEST JASON STATHAM MOVIE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
THE BANK JOB
DEATH RACE
IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
TRANSPORTER 3
AND THE WINNER IS… DEATH RACE! JASON MADE A BUNCH OF FLICKS IN ’08 BUT IT WAS DEATH RACE THAT MADE IT ACROSS THE FINISH LINE.
BEST GROSSOUT SCENE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
A DEFIBRILLATOR IS USED ON A ZOMBIE’S HEAD AND MAKES IT’S EYEBALLS EXPLODE in DIARY OF THE DEAD
THE CRAZY FRENCH BROAD USING A PAIR OF SCISSORS TO GIVE THAT PREGNANT CHICK AN IMPROMPTU C-SECTION in INSIDE
UWE BOLL TRIED TO DIRECT A LOVE SCENE WITH RAY LIOTTA AND LEELEE SOBIESKI in IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
A FAT LESBIAN GETS SHIT ON TO DEATH in KILLER PAD
A WOMAN GETS HER GUTS RIPPED OUT AND THEN IS STRANGLED WITH THEM in THE MOTHER OF TEARS: THE THIRD MOTHER
JOE FLEISHSHAKER GETS A CASE OF KILLER DIARRHEA AND PAINTS THE ROOM BROWN in POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD
THE PUNISHER USES A NO. 2 PENCIL TO FIX HIS DEVIATED SEPTUM in PUNISHER: WAR ZONE
RAMBO TURNS A BUNCH OF BURMESE SOLDIERS INTO ITTY BITTY PIECES USING A VERY BIG GUN in RAMBO
THE MEDICAL STUDENT AMPUTATING BOTH LEGS OFF A KRAUT WITH A GINSU KNIFE BEFORE CAUTERIZING THE WOUND WITH A FRYING PAN in THE RUINS
MICK JAGGER DRY HUMPS A PREGNANT CHRISTINA AGUILERA in SHINE A LIGHT
ANY SCENE INVOLVING JESS WEIXLER’S KILLER CUNT CHOMPING OFF CHUMPS’ COCKS in TEETH
A MEDIC REMOVES SEVERAL STAPLES FROM RANDY “THE RAM”’S BACK in THE WRESTLER
AND THE WINNER IS… MICK JAGGER DRY HUMPING A PREGNANT CHRISTINA AGUILERA in SHINE A LIGHT! THAT SCENE LEFT ME SHATTERED. (SHA-DOOBIE)
BEST COMEDY
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
CHOKE
ROLE MODELS
SON OF RAMBOW
TROPIC THUNDER
ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO
AND THE WINNER IS… SON OF RAMBOW! WHAT CAN I SAY EXCEPT THAT THIS MOVIE WAS SO INSPIRING THAT IT MADE ME WANT TO MAKE MY OWN MOVIE.
BEST COMIC BOOK MOVIE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
THE DARK KNIGHT
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
IRON MAN
PUNISHER: WAR ZONE
WANTED
AND THE WINNER IS… THE INCREDIBLE HULK! BECAUSE IT MADE US ALL FORGET ABOUT THAT ANG LEE FLICK. (WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING THE DARK KNIGHT?)
BEST SEQUEL
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
THE DARK KNIGHT
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
QUANTUM OF SOLACE
RAMBO
RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP
AND THE WINNER IS… RAMBO! SLY STRIKES AGAIN WITH HIS SECOND AWARD OF THE NIGHT! RAMBO IS STILL THE FINEST MOVIE IN WHICH THE MAIN CHARACTER FIRES A GUN 50,000 TIMES AND ONLY HAS TO RELOAD ONCE.
WORST SEQUEL
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
DIARY OF THE DEAD
FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECONDS
INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
POISON IVY: THE SECRET SOCIETY
THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE
AND THE LOSER IS… FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECONDS FOR THE COMPLETELY GRATUITOUS DEATH OF AN INFANT.
BEST ACTION SCENE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
JACKIE CHAN VS. JET LI in THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM
HULK AND ABOMINATION DUKE IT OUT ON THE STREETS OF HARLEM, WWE GRUDGE MATCH STYLE in THE INCREDIBLE HULK
IRON MAN DONS A MAKESHIFT SCRAP METAL SUIT OF ARMOR AND PULLS A REVERSE 9/11 ON A BUNCH OF ASSHOLE AFGHANI TERRORISTS in IRON MAN
THE OPENING SCENE SHOWCASING THE WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER OF GREASY GANGSTERS in PUNISHER: WAR ZONE
RAMBO SHOOTS 2,600 PEOPLE INTO LITTLE TINY PIECES WITH A VERY BIG GUN in RAMBO
AND THE WINNER IS… RAMBO YET AGAIN! THIRD AWARD OF THE NIGHT FOR BIG SLY. WHO COULD FORGET OLD SLY MACHINE GUNNING THE BEJABBERS OUT OF SLIMY BURMESE SCUMBAGS?
RIP AWARD FOR BEST DEATH SCENE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
THE JOKER’S “MAGIC TRICK” in THE DARK KNIGHT
THE SELF-INFLICTED DOUBLE SKULL IMPALEMENT VIA SCYTHE in DIARY OF THE DEAD
GINGERDEAD MAN SHOVING A RED HOT CURLING IRON UP A GAY GUY’S ASS in GINGERDEAD MAN 2: PASSION OF THE CRUST
A TERRORIST SHOOTS IRON MAN IN THE HEAD BUT THE BULLET RICOCHETS OFF HIS HELMET AND LANDS IN THE TERRORIST’S SKULL in IRON MAN
PACO BELL GETS CAUGHT IN THE MEAT GRINDER AND GETS TURNED INTO A SLOPPY JOSE in POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD
THE VAPORIZATION OF AN ACROBATIC HOOLIGAN VIA ROCKET LAUNCHER in PUNISHER: WAR ZONE
RAMBO CUTS THE HEAD OFF A BURMESE SOLDIER WITH A HOMEMADE MACHETE, GIVING NEW DEFINITION TO THE TERM “BURMA SHAVE” in RAMBO.
THE BUNK BED OF DEATH SCENE from RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP
CASTRATION VIA 4 WHEEL DRIVE JEEP in RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP
AND THE WINNER IS… THE JOKER’S “MAGIC TRICK” IN THE DARK KNIGHT. WITH THE DARK KNIGHT AND PUNISHER: WAR ZONE, ’08 TURNED OUT TO BE A GOOD YEAR FOR SUPERHERO MOVIES WITH NO. 2 PENCILS IN THEM.
BEST SCREENPLAY
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
APRIL FOOL’S DAY for “IF THAT ENDS UP ON THE INTERNET, I’LL HAVE YOU RAPED BY A WIZARD!”
BABYLON A.D. for “I ONLY HAVE ONE RULE: DON’T FUCK WITH ME!”
BABY MAMA for “IT FEELS LIKE I’M SHITTING A KNIFE!”
THE BANK JOB for “YOU CONNIVING CUNT!”
CHOKE for “THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE OR COMMITMENT. I SIMPLY WANT YOUR SEED!”
THE DARK KNIGHT for “WHATEVER DOESN’T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRANGER!”
DEATH RACE for “FUCK UP MY RACE COCKSUCKER AND WE’LL SEE WHO SHITS ON THE SIDEWALK!”
DRILLBIT TAYLOR for “I CALL IT MEXICAN JUDO AS IN JUDON’T KNOW WHO YOU’RE MESSING WITH HOLMES!”
THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM for “CROUCHING TIGER, SPANKING MONKEY!”
FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL for “IS THAT A HAPPY TISSUE OR A SAD TISSUE?”
GRAN TORINO for “GET OFF MY LAWN!”
HAMLET 2 for “I FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN RAPED... IN THE FACE!”
HANCOCK for “I WILL BREAK MY FOOT OFF IN YOUR ASS, WOMAN!”
HELLBOY 2: THE GOLDEN ARMY for “I’M NOT A BABY, I’M A TUMOR!”
IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE for “WISDOM IS OUR HAMMER. PRUDENCE IS OUR NAILS!”
JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH for “HUMONGOUS FUNGUS!”
JUMPER for “IF IT MOVES, I CAN JUMP IT!”
LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE for “YOUR SISTER IS A SUCK MONKEY!”
MILK for “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE, LATINO MAN!”
THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR for “YOU THREE-HEADED SHAPE-SHIFTING SON OF A BITCH!”
PINEAPPLE EXPRESS for “WHAT’S DOWN THERE, THE RANCOR?”
POSTAL for “THE TIME HAS COME TO PLACE OUR SWORDS INTO THE GENITALS OF THE INFIDELS!”
POULTRYGEST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD for “GRAB THOSE VEIN-FILLED PULSATING EGGS AND PUT THEM WITH THE BREAKFAST FOOD!”
PUNISHER: WAR ZONE for “I’M GOING TO PUT YOU OUT OF MY MISERY!”
RAMBO for “LIVE FOR SOMETHING OR DIE FOR NOTHING!”
ROGUE for “I FUCKING HATE ANIMALS, ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT CAN KILL YOU!”
THE SCORPION KING 2: RISE OF A WARRIOR for “I JUST STEPPED IN SOMEONE!”
SEMI-PRO for “SWEDISH MADE PORN WAS THE ONLY THING THAT GOT ME THROUGH NAM!”
SHINE A LIGHT for “WE CAN’T BURN MICK JAGGER!”
SPEED RACER for “I’LL PINCH OFF THOSE TURDS!”
THE SPIRIT for “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL KINDS OF DEAD!”
STARSHIP TROOPERS 3: MARAUDER for “SOLDIER, MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL! PICK UP THAT ARM AND FIND OUT WHO IT BELONGS TO!”
STEP BROTHERS for “I GOT A V OF HAIR GOING FROM MY CHEST-PUBES DOWN TO MY BALL ‘FRO!”
SUPERHERO MOVIE for “YOUR THIGHS LOOK LIKE COTTAGE CHEESE SOMEONE THREW UP ON THE SIDEWALK ON A HOT SUMMER DAY!”
TEETH for “C’MON, I HAVEN’T JERKED OFF SINCE EASTER!”
TROPIC THUNDER for “BEDS GIVE ME NIGHTMARES!”
WRESTLEMANIAC for “THEY GAVE HIM FIFTY LOBOTOMIES AND IT DIDN’T HELP FOR SHIT!”
ZOMBIE STRIPPERS for “GET BACK, YOU WALKING HERPE!”
AND THE WINNER IS… DEATH RACE! WHO KNEW JOAN ALLEN HAD SUCH A FILTHY MOUTH ON HER?
BEST DIRECTOR
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
CLINT EASTWOOD for BEING 78 YEARS OLD AND STILL KICKING ASS in GRAN TORINO.
JON FAVREAU for THE AWESOME SCENE WHERE IRON MAN FLAMETHROWERS A BUNCH OF TERRORISTS TO DEATH in IRON MAN
MITCHELL LICTHENSTEIN for TEETH for DIRECTING THE BEST KILLER VAGINA MOVIE OF THE YEAR.
MARTIN SCORSESE for FILMING THE SECOND BEST ROLLING STONES MOVIE EVER in SHINE A LIGHT.
SYLVESTER STALLONE for KNOWING HOW TO FILM ACTION SEQUENCES THAT MAKE SAVING PRIVATE RYAN LOOK LIKE SENSE AND SENSIBILITY in RAMBO
AND THE WINNER IS… SYLVESTER STALLONE! THE MAN IS A BEAST IN FRONT OF AND BEHIND THE CAMERA. 4TH AWARD OF THE NIGHT FOR SLY.
BEST ACTOR
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. as THE SUPERHERO WHO TURNS TERRORISTS INTO WALKING MOLOTOV COCKTAILS in IRON MAN
CLINT EASTWOOD in GRAN TORINO for KICKING THE SNOT OUT OF PUNKS
HEATH LEDGER for CREEPING UP THE JOINT in THE DARK KNIGHT
KEITH RICHARDS in SHINE A LIGHT FOR SAYING EIGHT INTELLIGIBLE WORDS
MICKEY ROURKE for FLYING OF THE TOP ROPE WITH STYLE in THE WRESTLER
AND THE WINNER IS… MICKEY ROURKE IN THE WRESTLER! I KNOW A LOT OF EMO-BOY DARK KNIGHT FANS WILL BE WHINING TOMORROW MORNING BECAUSE I’M NOT GIVING THE SYMPATHY VOTE TO POOR UNFORTUNATE HEATH, BUT LET’S FACE IT, RANDY THE RAM WOULD CLOBBER THE JOKER IN A STEEL CAGE MATCH ANYDAY.
BEST ACTRESS
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
JULIE BENZ in RAMBO for BEING THE SEXIEST CHRISTIAN MISSIONARY IN BURMA
OLGA KURYLENKO for LOOKING HOTTER THAN SHIT in QUANTUM OF SOLACE
RHONA MITRA for PLAYING A FEMALE SNAKE PLISSKEN IN HISTORY in DOOMSDAY
CHRISTINA RICCI for ALREADY HAVING THE ANIME EYES NECESSARY TO PLAY SPEED RACER’S GIRLFRIEND TRIXIE in SPEED RACER
JESS WEIXLER as THE VIRGINAL HIGH SCHOOL CHICK WHO CHOMPS COCKS OFF OF RAPISTS WITH HER TOOTHY VAGINA in TEETH
AND THE WINNER IS… JULIE BENZ! 5TH WIN OF THE NIGHT FOR RAMBO! JULIE’S GETTING THIS AWARD FOR BEING THE FOXIEST RELIEF WORKER IN BURMA, AND I THINK WE’D ALL LIKE A LITTLE RELEF FROM JULIE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M GETTING AT.
BEST MONSTER
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
ABOMINATION in THE INCREDIBLE HULK
HULK in THE INCREDIBLE HULK
RAMBO in RAMBO, WHO SINGLEHANDEDLY WIPES OUT HALF THE POPULATION OF BURMA WITH A SUBMACHINE GUN
KEITH RICHARDS in SHINE A LIGHT
THE MAN-EATING VAGINA in TEETH
AND THE WINNER IS… RAMBO! HE COULD TEAR THROUGH ALL THE OTHER MONSTERS IN THIS CATEGORY WITHOUT BREAKING A SWEAT! (KEITH WOULD PROBABLY GIVE HIM THE MOST TROUBLE.) 6TH AWARD FOR SLY AND CO.
WORST MONSTER
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
THE MONSTER in CLOVERFIELD. IT LOOKED LIKE A REJECT BUG FROM STARSHIP TROOPERS… 2.
THE SPIDER-MAN “ZOMBIES” from DAY OF THE DEAD WHO RUN LIKE JESSE OWENS ON CRANK, HOWL LIKE BANSHEES AND CAN WALK ON CEILINGS.
THE INVISIBLE SCORPION MONSTER from THE SCORPION KING 2: RISE OF A WARRIOR. SERIOUSLY, WHY PAY FOR THE SPECIAL EFFECTS WHEN YOU CAN JUST HAVE AN “INVISIBLE” MONSTER?
THE GOD BUG from STARSHIP TROOPERS 3: MARAUDER for LOOKING LIKE A DISEASED CUNT ATTACHED TO A BUNCH OF ALASKAN KING CRAB LEGS.
THE PATHETIC WHITE TRASH ZOMBIES from TRAILER PARK OF TERROR.
AND THE LOSER IS… THE SPIDER-MAN “ZOMBIES” FROM DAY OF THE DEAD. SERIOUSLY FOLKS, RENT THE ORIGINAL GUT MUNCHER INSTEAD OF THIS PIECE OF SHIT.
BEST SCENE I COULDN’T MAKE UP
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
A GUY NAMED “BUD” TURNS INTO A ZOMBIE BUT DOESN’T EAT ANYONE BECAUSE HE’S A GODDAMNED VEGETARIAN in DAY OF THE DEAD
JET LI PISSING IN JACKIE CHAN’S FACE in THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM
WILL SMITH SHOVES A DUDE’S HEAD UP ANOTHER GUY’S ASS in HANCOCK
BURT REYNOLDS DRESSED AS A SAMURAI FOR NO GOOD REASON in IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
A CHINESE CHICK THAT INEXPLICABLY KNOWS HOW TO SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN in THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR
VERNE TROYER GETTING RAPED BY MONKEYS in POSTAL
RAMBO BLOWS AWAY 2,600 BURMESE SOLDIERS AND ONLY RELOADS ONCE in RAMBO
SAMUEL L. JACKSON DRESSED LIKE A NAZI FOR NO APPARENT REASON in THE SPIRIT
BARRY BONDS TAKING A WHOLE BUNCH OF ‘ROIDS AND SHOOTING LASERS OUT OF HIS EYEBALLS in SUPERHERO MOVIE
GIGANTIC OSTRICHES TRYING TO EAT DREADLOCKED CAVEMEN in 10,000 B.C.
TRACI LORDS BLOWING BUBBLES OUT OF HER PUSSY in ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO
A ZOMBIFIED JENNA JAMESON SHOOTING BILLIARD BALLS OUT OF HER TWAT in ZOMBIE STRIPPERS
AND THE WINNER IS… BARRY BONDS TAKING A WHOLE BUNCH OF ‘ROIDS AND SHOOTING LASERS OUT OF HIS EYEBALLS in SUPERHERO MOVIE. HONESTLY FOLKS, YOU HAVE TO SEE IT TO BELIEVE IT.
BEST FACIAL HAIR
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
JEFF BRIDGES’S BEARD in IRON MAN
ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.’S GOATEE in IRON MAN
AL PACINO’S GOATEE in 88 MINUTES
DENNIS QUAID’S BEARD in SMART PEOPLE
JOHN GOODMAN’S MOUSTACHE in SPEED RACER
AND THE WINNER IS… RDJ’S GOAT FROM IRON MAN!