February 18th, 2009

PHENOMENAL AND THE TREASURE OF TUTANKAMEN (1968) *

Phenomenal (Mauro Parenti) is a dude who dresses in all black and wears a ski mask with no eye holes that gets his jollies by Kung Fuing the shit out of drug smuggling pirates.  When it is announced that the treasure of King Tut will be on display in a Parisian museum, master thief Gordon (Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks) Scott decides to steal it.  It’s up to Phenomenal to steal the treasure back while still finding time to get cozy with his saucy lady friend (Lucretia Love).

 

Phenomenal and the Treasure of Tutankamen (my spell check is saying I spelt that wrong but that’s how the movie spells it) is kinda like Diabolik except that Phenomenal is a good guy.  Whereas Diabolik was actually kinda fun, this movie is the pits.  It’s extremely dull and features very little action.  There’s also an annoying theme song (“Phenomena-Phenomena-Phenomena-ah-ahl!”) that will drive you completely bugshit too.

 

Ruggero Deodato, the man who gave the world Cannibal Holocaust made his directorial debut with this turd.  He definitely starts things off on the right foot with an excellent Kung Fu battle on a boat.  After that though, he unwisely lets the plot get in the way and we have to wait for another hour or so before we get to see Phenomenal kick butt again.  The sporadic Kung Fu fights are the only thing this flick has going for it (my favorite was in a steam bath filled with screaming bathing beauties) but alas, they are too few and far between to be much good.

3 SUPERMEN AGAINST GODFATHER (1979) ** ½

An American cop goes to Istanbul to get the goods on an international kingpin known only as “The Godfather” and to track down a scientist who’s created a time machine.  He teams up with his two ridiculously costumed “Supermen” buddies and together they try to stop the Godfather from stealing the time machine so he can get his hands on some ancient Turkish gold.

 

This Bat Shit Insane Superhero Movie from Turkey features rip-offs of just about everything that was popular in the late 70’s.  Superman, The Godfather, The Greatest American Hero, Time Machines (from Time After Time), and Kung Fu.  There are even fast motion chase scenes that would look right at home in an episode of Benny Hill too.

 

I’m not sure if 3 Supermen Against Godfather really qualifies as a “good” movie, but it’s certainly a moderately entertaining one.  Even though all of the fight scenes are tremendously cheesy, there are a LOT of them and the flick never gets boring.  The low budget charm of the movie carries it a long way and the unabashed goofiness of the whole thing (wait until you hear that theme song) will leave you with a stupid smile on your face.

 

3 Supermen Against Godfather isn’t perfect though.  There’s a subplot about the Godfather’s daughter stealing some drugs from him that kinda slows things down and the silly finale goes on a bit too long.  Still, as WTF movies from Turkey go, this one is a near-classic.

THREE AVENGERS (1979) **

Two guys traveling in a Chinese theater troupe get pissed off when someone in the audience criticizes their performance so they proceed to kick the crap out of the ill-manned theatergoers.  This of course gets them banished from the theater company so they pack their bags and head home.  The thugs from the audience follow them to their house and try to kick their ass again and the ensuing fight literally brings the house down.  Now jobless and homeless, the duo moves in with their aunt and team up with another dude to open up a karate school.  Then a real estate company that wants to steal the aunt’s property starts making trouble for them, so they have to karate chop the crap out of those meddling bastards.  In the end, a bad guy with a Mr. Clean hairdo (or lack thereof) kills their former master and the Three Avengers go out for revenge.

 

The opening Kung Fu sequence in which the actors lay the smackdown on various karate chopping audience members is pretty awesome.  (They even knock one guy’s dentures out.)  In fact, the movie is GREAT for the first half hour or so.  It’s when the Three Avengers stop Kung Fu Fighting and head to the discotheque for some especially gratuitous disco dancing that the movie stops dead in its tracks.  The Avengers incorporate their patented Kung Fu moves into the usual John Travolta crap and the results are cringe worthy.  The movie never quite recovers from that little detour and gets particularly dull once the one Avenger gets his knee smashed and he has to rehabilitate himself to lame Rocky inspired music.

 

While deeply flawed, Three Avengers does have a lot of good Kung Fu fight scenes.  Although most of the battles are weighted towards the beginning of the flick, the final showdown between the bald baddie and the Avengers is decent.  Die hard Kung Fu fanatics will have a field day with this one, but the casual Kung Fu viewer will be left wanting more.

 

The flick does have the benefit of some hilarious badly dubbed dialogue like, “You’re really good…DAMN you!” (you’ve got to see it to fully understand) and “Watch my pole!”

 

AKA:  Dragon on Fire.  AKA:  Enter Three Dragons.  AKA:  The Lama Avenger.

MASTER KILLERS (1980) **

A karate school takes in a drifter who helps them Kung Fu a couple of miscreant street performers.  He later learns that one of the performers is his long-lost brother and that the master of the karate school is the man who killed their parents.  Together they try to get revenge on the evil dude but discover that their Kung Fu prowess is not nearly good enough to take him down.  They then turn to a crusty old Kung Fu expert to train them so they have the skills necessary to avenge their parents’ death.

 

Master Killers is a standard issue Kung Fu flick through and thorough.  There are all the requisite flashbacks, lame fight sequences, unimaginative Kung Fu choreography, overdone sound effects, bad dubbing, over-the-top camera zooms, and freeze frames you’d expect from a movie like this.  Despite this, the flick actually does get better as it goes along as the fight scenes become more and more frequent.  The end fight is needlessly protracted and is kinda weak though.

 

The best scenes of the movie are when the old Master trains our hero.  The part when the Master teaches him to crack nuts with his knees is pretty funny and he hits him in the balls a lot too, which is always comedic gold in my book.  The comic highlight though comes when the hero gives a kid an airplane ride and the little brat pisses all over him! 

 

The cast is full of a bunch of people that I’ve never heard of and aren’t particularly good, but at least Bolo (Enter the Dragon) Yeung shows up briefly as (what else?) a henchman.

HIS NAME WAS JASON (2009) ** ½

Daniel Farrands, the man who wrote what is probably the worst Halloween sequel ever made, directed this so-so documentary on the cinematic life and times of Jason Vorhees.  Farrands gathered a decent line-up of people associated with the Friday the 13th movies (from the original producer/director Sean S. Cunningham to the remake director Marcus Nispel) to sit and chat about the series and give their various takes about their experience in making the films as well as what Friday the 13th means to them.  All of the actors who’ve played Jason over the years also talk a bit about playing everyone’s favorite masked maniac.

 

As a die hard fan of the Friday the 13th series this was an OK trip down memory lane.  A lot of the material is regurgitated from Peter Bracke’s excellent book, Crystal Lake Memories and I’d highly suggest you read that instead of watching this doc.  At least that book interviewed Kevin Bacon, Steve Miner, Dana Kimmell, and Corey Feldman.  I could’ve also done without host Tom Savani’s constant mugging and the gratuitous promotion for the new remake.

 

What makes His Name Was Jason fun to watch though is seeing how well (or in some cases not so well) the females of the series have been preserved.  Adrienne King, Amy Steel, Deborah Vorhees, Lar Park Lincoln, and the two twins from Part IV all still look pretty good if you ask me, although I would’ve loved to see what Kirsten Baker from Part 2 looks like now.  His Name Was Jason isn’t the definitive documentary that fans of the series might’ve hoped for (I really wished Farrands had concentrated more on each individual film instead of painting the series in one broad stroke), but it’s a fun way to kill 90 minutes.  All in all, it’s more of a glorified DVD extra than anything else. 

THE 2008 VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS PT. 3

WORST REMAKE

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

APRIL FOOL’S DAY

DAY OF THE DEAD

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

PROM NIGHT

SISTERS

 

AND THE LOSER IS… DAY OF THE DEAD.  IT’S SAD WHEN YOU HAVE HARDLY ANY FILMS COMPETING FOR THE AWARD FOR BEST REMAKE, BUT THERE ARE A SLEW OF REMAKES TO CHOOSE FROM FOR WORST REMAKE.

 

WORST STRAIGHT TO DVD MOVIE

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

APRIL FOOL’S DAY

DAY OF THE DEAD

FEAST 2:  SLOPPY SECONDS

SISTERS

TRAILER PARK OF TERROR

 

AND THE WINNER IS… FEAST 2.  AND THE SHAME PARADE KNOWN AS FEAST 2 KEEPS RIGHT ON MARCHING.

 

BEST STRAIGHT TO DVD MOVIE

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

GINGERDEAD MAN 2:  PASSION OF THE CRUST

LOST BOYS:  THE TRIBE

RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP

STARSHIP TROOPERS 3:  MARAUDER

WRESTLEMANIAC

 

AND THE WINNER IS… RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP.  IT TOOK ANGELA TWO DECADES TO RETURN TO CAMP, BUT IT SURE AS SHIT WAS WORTH IT.

 

BEST HORROR MOVIE

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

INSIDE

RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP

POULTRYGEIST:  NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD

THE SIGNAL

TEETH

 

AND THE WINNER IS… TEETH.  THE BEST KILLER VAGINA MOVIE OF THE YEAR.  POSSIBLY OF ALL TIME.

 

WORST HORROR MOVIE

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

APRIL FOOL’S DAY

DAY OF THE DEAD

FEAST 2:  SLOPPY SECONDS

SISTERS

SPIRAL

 

AND THE WINNER IS… FEAST 2.  THE FECES FEST PICKS UP IT’S THIRD AWARD FOR CINEMATIC INEPTITUDE.

 

WORST MOVIE

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

APRIL FOOL’S DAY

BOARDING GATE

DAY OF THE DEAD

FEAST 2:  SLOPPY SECONDS

SEX AND THE CITY

 

AND THE WINNER IS… YOU GUESSED IT… FEAST 2:  SHITTY SECONDS.  THE FOURTH TIME’S THE CHARM.

 

AND NOW FOLKS, THE MOMENT YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR…

 

BEST MOVIE

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

THE INCREDIBLE HULK

IRON MAN

RAMBO

SHINE A LIGHT

TEETH

 

AND THE WINNER IS… RAMBO!  WAS THERE EVER A DOUBT?  THAT’S AWARD LUCKY NUMBER 7 FOR SLY!  THAT’S A NEW RECORD FOR THE VIDDIES!  (8 IF YOU COUNT TECHNICAL AWARDS.)

 

Thanks for attending everybody.  Hope you enjoyed.  If you agree or disagree with any of tonight’s winners (or losers), leave me a comment or two.  I’m Mitch Lovell and I’ll see you at the movies.


THE 2008 VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS PT. 2

Now on with the show.  Before I give this first award out though, I’d just like to remind everyone when these awards were announced I made an open statement in which I said that I was “open to monetary bribes” to sway the judges.  If somebody REALLY wanted to win these awards they would’ve ponyed up the dough, but nobody did.  So if you lose, it’s your own damn fault for not spreading the wealth.

 

BEST ACTION MOVIE

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

DOOMSDAY

THE INCREDIBLE HULK

IRON MAN

RAMBO

TROPIC THUNDER

 

AND THE WINNER IS… RAMBO!  THE ONLY MOVIE TO MAKE SAVING PRIVATE RYAN LOOK LIKE SENSE AND SENSIBILITY.

 

BEST JASON STATHAM MOVIE

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

THE BANK JOB

DEATH RACE

IN THE NAME OF THE KING:  A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE

TRANSPORTER 3

 

AND THE WINNER IS… DEATH RACE!  JASON MADE A BUNCH OF FLICKS IN ’08 BUT IT WAS DEATH RACE THAT MADE IT ACROSS THE FINISH LINE.

 

BEST GROSSOUT SCENE

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

A DEFIBRILLATOR IS USED ON A ZOMBIE’S HEAD AND MAKES IT’S EYEBALLS EXPLODE in DIARY OF THE DEAD

 

THE CRAZY FRENCH BROAD USING A PAIR OF SCISSORS TO GIVE THAT PREGNANT CHICK AN IMPROMPTU C-SECTION in INSIDE

 

UWE BOLL TRIED TO DIRECT A LOVE SCENE WITH RAY LIOTTA AND LEELEE SOBIESKI in IN THE NAME OF THE KING:  A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE

 

A FAT LESBIAN GETS SHIT ON TO DEATH in KILLER PAD 

 

A WOMAN GETS HER GUTS RIPPED OUT AND THEN IS STRANGLED WITH THEM in THE MOTHER OF TEARS:  THE THIRD MOTHER

 

JOE FLEISHSHAKER GETS A CASE OF KILLER DIARRHEA AND PAINTS THE ROOM BROWN in POULTRYGEIST:  NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD

 

THE PUNISHER USES A NO. 2 PENCIL TO FIX HIS DEVIATED SEPTUM in PUNISHER:  WAR ZONE

 

RAMBO TURNS A BUNCH OF BURMESE SOLDIERS INTO ITTY BITTY PIECES USING A VERY BIG GUN in RAMBO

 

THE MEDICAL STUDENT AMPUTATING BOTH LEGS OFF A KRAUT WITH A GINSU KNIFE BEFORE CAUTERIZING THE WOUND WITH A FRYING PAN in THE RUINS

 

MICK JAGGER DRY HUMPS A PREGNANT CHRISTINA AGUILERA in SHINE A LIGHT

 

ANY SCENE INVOLVING JESS WEIXLER’S KILLER CUNT CHOMPING OFF CHUMPS’ COCKS in TEETH

 

A MEDIC REMOVES SEVERAL STAPLES FROM RANDY “THE RAM”’S BACK in THE WRESTLER

 

AND THE WINNER IS… MICK JAGGER DRY HUMPING A PREGNANT CHRISTINA AGUILERA in SHINE A LIGHT!  THAT SCENE LEFT ME SHATTERED. (SHA-DOOBIE)

 

BEST COMEDY

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

CHOKE

ROLE MODELS

SON OF RAMBOW

TROPIC THUNDER

ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO

 

AND THE WINNER IS… SON OF RAMBOW!  WHAT CAN I SAY EXCEPT THAT THIS MOVIE WAS SO INSPIRING THAT IT MADE ME WANT TO MAKE MY OWN MOVIE.

 

BEST COMIC BOOK MOVIE

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

THE DARK KNIGHT

THE INCREDIBLE HULK

IRON MAN

PUNISHER:  WAR ZONE

WANTED

 

AND THE WINNER IS… THE INCREDIBLE HULK!  BECAUSE IT MADE US ALL FORGET ABOUT THAT ANG LEE FLICK.  (WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING THE DARK KNIGHT?)

 

BEST SEQUEL

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

THE DARK KNIGHT

THE INCREDIBLE HULK

QUANTUM OF SOLACE

RAMBO

RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP

 

AND THE WINNER IS… RAMBO!  SLY STRIKES AGAIN WITH HIS SECOND AWARD OF THE NIGHT!  RAMBO IS STILL THE FINEST MOVIE IN WHICH THE MAIN CHARACTER FIRES A GUN 50,000 TIMES AND ONLY HAS TO RELOAD ONCE.

 

WORST SEQUEL

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

DIARY OF THE DEAD

FEAST 2:  SLOPPY SECONDS

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

POISON IVY:  THE SECRET SOCIETY

THE X-FILES:  I WANT TO BELIEVE

 

AND THE LOSER IS… FEAST 2:  SLOPPY SECONDS FOR THE COMPLETELY GRATUITOUS DEATH OF AN INFANT.

 

BEST ACTION SCENE

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

JACKIE CHAN VS. JET LI in THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM

 

HULK AND ABOMINATION DUKE IT OUT ON THE STREETS OF HARLEM, WWE GRUDGE MATCH STYLE in THE INCREDIBLE HULK

 

IRON MAN DONS A MAKESHIFT SCRAP METAL SUIT OF ARMOR AND PULLS A REVERSE 9/11 ON A BUNCH OF ASSHOLE AFGHANI TERRORISTS in IRON MAN

 

THE OPENING SCENE SHOWCASING THE WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER OF GREASY GANGSTERS in PUNISHER:  WAR ZONE

 

RAMBO SHOOTS 2,600 PEOPLE INTO LITTLE TINY PIECES WITH A VERY BIG GUN in RAMBO

 

AND THE WINNER IS… RAMBO YET AGAIN!  THIRD AWARD OF THE NIGHT FOR BIG SLY.  WHO COULD FORGET OLD SLY MACHINE GUNNING THE BEJABBERS OUT OF SLIMY BURMESE SCUMBAGS?

 

RIP AWARD FOR BEST DEATH SCENE

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

THE JOKER’S “MAGIC TRICK” in THE DARK KNIGHT

 

THE SELF-INFLICTED DOUBLE SKULL IMPALEMENT VIA SCYTHE in DIARY OF THE DEAD

 

GINGERDEAD MAN SHOVING A RED HOT CURLING IRON UP A GAY GUY’S ASS in GINGERDEAD MAN 2:  PASSION OF THE CRUST

 

A TERRORIST SHOOTS IRON MAN IN THE HEAD BUT THE BULLET RICOCHETS OFF HIS HELMET AND LANDS IN THE TERRORIST’S SKULL in IRON MAN

 

PACO BELL GETS CAUGHT IN THE MEAT GRINDER AND GETS TURNED INTO A SLOPPY JOSE in POULTRYGEIST:  NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD

 

THE VAPORIZATION OF AN ACROBATIC HOOLIGAN VIA ROCKET LAUNCHER in PUNISHER:  WAR ZONE

 

RAMBO CUTS THE HEAD OFF A BURMESE SOLDIER WITH A HOMEMADE MACHETE, GIVING NEW DEFINITION TO THE TERM “BURMA SHAVE” in RAMBO.

 

THE BUNK BED OF DEATH SCENE from RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP

 

CASTRATION VIA 4 WHEEL DRIVE JEEP in RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP

 

AND THE WINNER IS… THE JOKER’S “MAGIC TRICK” IN THE DARK KNIGHT.  WITH THE DARK KNIGHT AND PUNISHER:  WAR ZONE, ’08 TURNED OUT TO BE A GOOD YEAR FOR SUPERHERO MOVIES WITH NO. 2 PENCILS IN THEM.

  

BEST SCREENPLAY

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

APRIL FOOL’S DAY for “IF THAT ENDS UP ON THE INTERNET, I’LL HAVE YOU RAPED BY A WIZARD!”

 

BABYLON A.D. for “I ONLY HAVE ONE RULE:  DON’T FUCK WITH ME!”

 

BABY MAMA for “IT FEELS LIKE I’M SHITTING A KNIFE!”

 

THE BANK JOB for “YOU CONNIVING CUNT!”

 

CHOKE for “THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE OR COMMITMENT.  I SIMPLY WANT YOUR SEED!”

 

THE DARK KNIGHT for “WHATEVER DOESN’T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRANGER!”

 

DEATH RACE for “FUCK UP MY RACE COCKSUCKER AND WE’LL SEE WHO SHITS ON THE SIDEWALK!”

 

DRILLBIT TAYLOR for “I CALL IT MEXICAN JUDO AS IN JUDON’T KNOW WHO YOU’RE MESSING WITH HOLMES!”

 

THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM for “CROUCHING TIGER, SPANKING MONKEY!”

 

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL for “IS THAT A HAPPY TISSUE OR A SAD TISSUE?”

 

GRAN TORINO for “GET OFF MY LAWN!”

 

HAMLET 2 for “I FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN RAPED... IN THE FACE!”

 

HANCOCK for “I WILL BREAK MY FOOT OFF IN YOUR ASS, WOMAN!”

 

HELLBOY 2:  THE GOLDEN ARMY for “I’M NOT A BABY, I’M A TUMOR!”

 

IN THE NAME OF THE KING:  A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE for “WISDOM IS OUR HAMMER.  PRUDENCE IS OUR NAILS!”

 

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH for “HUMONGOUS FUNGUS!”

 

JUMPER for “IF IT MOVES, I CAN JUMP IT!”

 

LOST BOYS:  THE TRIBE for “YOUR SISTER IS A SUCK MONKEY!”

 

MILK for “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE, LATINO MAN!”

 

THE MUMMY:  TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR for “YOU THREE-HEADED SHAPE-SHIFTING SON OF A BITCH!”

 

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS for “WHAT’S DOWN THERE, THE RANCOR?”

 

POSTAL for “THE TIME HAS COME TO PLACE OUR SWORDS INTO THE GENITALS OF THE INFIDELS!”

 

POULTRYGEST:  NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD for “GRAB THOSE VEIN-FILLED PULSATING EGGS AND PUT THEM WITH THE BREAKFAST FOOD!”

 

PUNISHER:  WAR ZONE for “I’M GOING TO PUT YOU OUT OF MY MISERY!”

 

RAMBO for “LIVE FOR SOMETHING OR DIE FOR NOTHING!”

 

ROGUE for “I FUCKING HATE ANIMALS, ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT CAN KILL YOU!”

 

THE SCORPION KING 2:  RISE OF A WARRIOR for “I JUST STEPPED IN SOMEONE!”

 

SEMI-PRO for “SWEDISH MADE PORN WAS THE ONLY THING THAT GOT ME THROUGH NAM!”

 

SHINE A LIGHT for “WE CAN’T BURN MICK JAGGER!”

 

SPEED RACER for “I’LL PINCH OFF THOSE TURDS!”

 

THE SPIRIT for “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL KINDS OF DEAD!”

 

STARSHIP TROOPERS 3:  MARAUDER for “SOLDIER, MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL!  PICK UP THAT ARM AND FIND OUT WHO IT BELONGS TO!”

 

STEP BROTHERS for “I GOT A V OF HAIR GOING FROM MY CHEST-PUBES DOWN TO MY BALL ‘FRO!”

 

SUPERHERO MOVIE for “YOUR THIGHS LOOK LIKE COTTAGE CHEESE SOMEONE THREW UP ON THE SIDEWALK ON A HOT SUMMER DAY!”

 

TEETH for “C’MON, I HAVEN’T JERKED OFF SINCE EASTER!”

 

TROPIC THUNDER for “BEDS GIVE ME NIGHTMARES!”

 

WRESTLEMANIAC for “THEY GAVE HIM FIFTY LOBOTOMIES AND IT DIDN’T HELP FOR SHIT!”

 

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS for “GET BACK, YOU WALKING HERPE!”

 

AND THE WINNER IS… DEATH RACE!  WHO KNEW JOAN ALLEN HAD SUCH A FILTHY MOUTH ON HER?

 

BEST DIRECTOR

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

CLINT EASTWOOD for BEING 78 YEARS OLD AND STILL KICKING ASS in GRAN TORINO.

 

JON FAVREAU for THE AWESOME SCENE WHERE IRON MAN FLAMETHROWERS A BUNCH OF TERRORISTS TO DEATH in IRON MAN

 

MITCHELL LICTHENSTEIN for TEETH for DIRECTING THE BEST KILLER VAGINA MOVIE OF THE YEAR.

 

MARTIN SCORSESE for FILMING THE SECOND BEST ROLLING STONES MOVIE EVER in SHINE A LIGHT.

 

SYLVESTER STALLONE for KNOWING HOW TO FILM ACTION SEQUENCES THAT MAKE SAVING PRIVATE RYAN LOOK LIKE SENSE AND SENSIBILITY in RAMBO

 

AND THE WINNER IS… SYLVESTER STALLONE!  THE MAN IS A BEAST IN FRONT OF AND BEHIND THE CAMERA.  4TH AWARD OF THE NIGHT FOR SLY.

 

BEST ACTOR

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. as THE SUPERHERO WHO TURNS TERRORISTS INTO WALKING MOLOTOV COCKTAILS in IRON MAN

 

CLINT EASTWOOD in GRAN TORINO for KICKING THE SNOT OUT OF PUNKS

 

HEATH LEDGER for CREEPING UP THE JOINT in THE DARK KNIGHT

 

KEITH RICHARDS in SHINE A LIGHT FOR SAYING EIGHT INTELLIGIBLE WORDS

 

MICKEY ROURKE for FLYING OF THE TOP ROPE WITH STYLE in THE WRESTLER

 

AND THE WINNER IS… MICKEY ROURKE IN THE WRESTLER!  I KNOW A LOT OF EMO-BOY DARK KNIGHT FANS WILL BE WHINING TOMORROW MORNING BECAUSE I’M NOT GIVING THE SYMPATHY VOTE TO POOR UNFORTUNATE HEATH, BUT LET’S FACE IT, RANDY THE RAM WOULD CLOBBER THE JOKER IN A STEEL CAGE MATCH ANYDAY.

 

BEST ACTRESS

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

JULIE BENZ in RAMBO for BEING THE SEXIEST CHRISTIAN MISSIONARY IN BURMA

 

OLGA KURYLENKO for LOOKING HOTTER THAN SHIT in QUANTUM OF SOLACE

 

RHONA MITRA for PLAYING A FEMALE SNAKE PLISSKEN IN HISTORY in DOOMSDAY

 

CHRISTINA RICCI for ALREADY HAVING THE ANIME EYES NECESSARY TO PLAY SPEED RACER’S GIRLFRIEND TRIXIE in SPEED RACER

 

JESS WEIXLER as THE VIRGINAL HIGH SCHOOL CHICK WHO CHOMPS COCKS OFF OF RAPISTS WITH HER TOOTHY VAGINA in TEETH

 

AND THE WINNER IS… JULIE BENZ!  5TH WIN OF THE NIGHT FOR RAMBO!  JULIE’S GETTING THIS AWARD FOR BEING THE FOXIEST RELIEF WORKER IN BURMA, AND I THINK WE’D ALL LIKE A LITTLE RELEF FROM JULIE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M GETTING AT.

 

BEST MONSTER

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

ABOMINATION in THE INCREDIBLE HULK

 

HULK in THE INCREDIBLE HULK

 

RAMBO in RAMBO, WHO SINGLEHANDEDLY WIPES OUT HALF THE POPULATION OF BURMA WITH A SUBMACHINE GUN

 

KEITH RICHARDS in SHINE A LIGHT

 

THE MAN-EATING VAGINA in TEETH

 

AND THE WINNER IS… RAMBO!  HE COULD TEAR THROUGH ALL THE OTHER MONSTERS IN THIS CATEGORY WITHOUT BREAKING A SWEAT!  (KEITH WOULD PROBABLY GIVE HIM THE MOST TROUBLE.)  6TH AWARD FOR SLY AND CO.

 

WORST MONSTER

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

THE MONSTER in CLOVERFIELD.  IT LOOKED LIKE A REJECT BUG FROM STARSHIP TROOPERS… 2.

 

THE SPIDER-MAN “ZOMBIES” from DAY OF THE DEAD WHO RUN LIKE JESSE OWENS ON CRANK, HOWL LIKE BANSHEES AND CAN WALK ON CEILINGS.

 

THE INVISIBLE SCORPION MONSTER from THE SCORPION KING 2:  RISE OF A WARRIOR.  SERIOUSLY, WHY PAY FOR THE SPECIAL EFFECTS WHEN YOU CAN JUST HAVE AN “INVISIBLE” MONSTER?

 

THE GOD BUG from STARSHIP TROOPERS 3:  MARAUDER for LOOKING LIKE A DISEASED CUNT ATTACHED TO A BUNCH OF ALASKAN KING CRAB LEGS.

 

THE PATHETIC WHITE TRASH ZOMBIES from TRAILER PARK OF TERROR.

 

AND THE LOSER IS… THE SPIDER-MAN “ZOMBIES” FROM DAY OF THE DEAD.  SERIOUSLY FOLKS, RENT THE ORIGINAL GUT MUNCHER INSTEAD OF THIS PIECE OF SHIT.

 

BEST SCENE I COULDN’T MAKE UP

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

A GUY NAMED “BUD” TURNS INTO A ZOMBIE BUT DOESN’T EAT ANYONE BECAUSE HE’S A GODDAMNED VEGETARIAN in DAY OF THE DEAD

 

JET LI PISSING IN JACKIE CHAN’S FACE in THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM

 

WILL SMITH SHOVES A DUDE’S HEAD UP ANOTHER GUY’S ASS in HANCOCK

 

BURT REYNOLDS DRESSED AS A SAMURAI FOR NO GOOD REASON in IN THE NAME OF THE KING:  A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE

 

A CHINESE CHICK THAT INEXPLICABLY KNOWS HOW TO SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN in THE MUMMY:  TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR

 

VERNE TROYER GETTING RAPED BY MONKEYS in POSTAL

 

RAMBO BLOWS AWAY 2,600 BURMESE SOLDIERS AND ONLY RELOADS ONCE in RAMBO

 

SAMUEL L. JACKSON DRESSED LIKE A NAZI FOR NO APPARENT REASON in THE SPIRIT

 

BARRY BONDS TAKING A WHOLE BUNCH OF ‘ROIDS AND SHOOTING LASERS OUT OF HIS EYEBALLS in SUPERHERO MOVIE

 

GIGANTIC OSTRICHES TRYING TO EAT DREADLOCKED CAVEMEN in 10,000 B.C.

 

TRACI LORDS BLOWING BUBBLES OUT OF HER PUSSY in ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO

 

A ZOMBIFIED JENNA JAMESON SHOOTING BILLIARD BALLS OUT OF HER TWAT in ZOMBIE STRIPPERS

 

AND THE WINNER IS… BARRY BONDS TAKING A WHOLE BUNCH OF ‘ROIDS AND SHOOTING LASERS OUT OF HIS EYEBALLS in SUPERHERO MOVIE.  HONESTLY FOLKS, YOU HAVE TO SEE IT TO BELIEVE IT.

 

BEST FACIAL HAIR

 

AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

 

JEFF BRIDGES’S BEARD in IRON MAN

ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.’S GOATEE in IRON MAN

AL PACINO’S GOATEE in 88 MINUTES

DENNIS QUAID’S BEARD in SMART PEOPLE

JOHN GOODMAN’S MOUSTACHE in SPEED RACER

 

AND THE WINNER IS… RDJ’S GOAT FROM IRON MAN!


THE 2008 VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS PT. 1

Well, the Oscars are only a few short days away and in my attempt to steal all the thunder from the glamour and glitz of Hollyweird, I humbly present to you The 2nd Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  This Awards ceremony isn’t like most ceremonies.  There are no musical medleys filled with interpretive dance numbers.  There are no long winded speeches about saving starving naked African children.  There is no bitching about who wore this and who wore that.  They’re AWARDS people, not a platform for ballerinas in leotards, personal political agendas or wannabe fashionistas.  So let’s cut to the chase:

 

First off though, LIKE the other Award Shows I DO give out “Technical Awards”.  You know those lame-o awards that are held the week before the show where some trollop like Jessica Biel gives out real-but-not-really-real awards to a bunch of old farts at a luncheon?  These are similar to those; except the “Video Vacuum Technical Awards” are given to flicks in a very narrow field of contention.  Without further ado here are:

 

THE 2ND ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM TECHNICAL AWARDS

 

BEST MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEO GAME

 

WINNER:  IN THE NAME OF THE KING:  A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE

 

WORST MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEO GAME (ALSO KNOWN AS “THE UWE”)

 

LOSER:  MAX PAYNE

 

BIGGEST OVERHYPED MESS

 

LOSER:  INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

 

BEST OLD GEEZER CAN STILL KICK ASS MOVIE

 

WINNER:  RAMBO

 

RUNNER UP:  THE WRESTLER

 

WORST OLD GEEZER CAN STILL KICK ASS MOVIE

 

LOSER:  INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

 

BEST ANIMATED MOVIE

 

WINNER:  WALL-E

 

BEST MUSICAL

 

WINNER:  POULTRYGEIST:  NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD

 

BEST ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK RIP-OFF

 

WINNER:  DOOMSDAY

 

BEST MAD MAX RIP-OFF

 

WINNER:  DOOMSDAY

 

BEST RESIDENT EVIL RIP-OFF

 

WINNER:  DOOMSDAY

 

BEST 28 DAYS LATER RIP-OFF

 

WINNER:  DOOMSDAY

 

BEST UNDERWORLD RIP-OFF

 

WINNER:  DOOMSDAY

 

BEST ROBIN HOOD:  PRINCE OF THIEVES RIP-OFF

 

WINNER:  DOOMSDAY

 

BEST KNIGHTRIDERS RIP-OFF

 

WINNER:  DOOMSDAY

 

BEST KILLER VAGINA MOVIE

 

WINNER:  TEETH

 

BEST MOVIE BASED ON A TV SHOW

 

WINNER:  THE INCREDIBLE HULK

 

WORST MOVIE BASED ON A TV SHOW

 

LOSER:  SEX AND THE CITY

 

RUNNER-UP:  THE X-FILES:  I WANT TO BELIEVE

 

BEST KUNG FU MOVIE

 

WINNER:  THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM

 

WORST BRENDAN FRASER PLAYS A CONSTANTLY MUGGING ARCHEOLOGIST BATTLING CGI MONSTERS MOVIE

 

TIE:  JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH & THE MUMMY:  TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR

 

BEST DRUNK ACTING

 

WINNER:  JOSH BROLIN in MILK

 

BEST REMAKE

 

WINNER:  DEATH RACE

 

BEST KILLER DISGUISE

 

WINNER:  THE BASEBALL CAP from PROM NIGHT

 

WORST ZOMBIE MOVIE

 

LOSER:  DAY OF THE DEAD

 

BEST ZOMBIE MOVIE

 

WINNER:  POULTRYGEIST:  NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD

 

BEST DOCUMENTARY

 

WINNER:  GONZO:  THE LIFE AND WORK OF DR. HUNTER S. THOMPSON

 

BEST SHOT WITH A CAMCORDER MOVIE

 

WINNER:  SON OF RAMBOW

 

WORST SHOT WITH A CAMCORDER MOVIE

 

LOSER:  DIARY OF THE DEAD

 

TWAT OF THE YEAR AWARD FOR ACHEIVEMENT IN ACTING LIKE A TOTAL BITCH

 

TWAT:  MICHELLE MORGAN in DIARY OF THE DEAD

 

There, that wasn’t too difficult was it?