February 23rd, 2009


A grubby looking pig farmer wants to marry off his enormous breasted daughter Moonbeam (Terry Gibson).  Most times though, Moonbeam can be seen rolling in the hay (literally) with the local stud who splits his time between boning Moonbeam and trying to get into the pants of the enormous breasted town virgin (Peggy Church).  When a door-to-door salesman comes to the farm, Moonbeam’s enormous breasted mother (Gina Paluzzi) exchanges sexual favors with him in order to get all of his Avon products.  She also suggests that he try to sell her daughter some lotion too, which naturally leads to Moonbeam and him fucking in a pig troth.  Predictably, Moonbeam’s papa finds out and a shotgun wedding is quickly (and I do mean quickly) arranged.


The Pig Keeper’s Daughter is rife with sexual possibilities.  There’s the over-sexed daughter, the curious virgin, the horny mother, the hitchhiking hooker, and the door-to-door salesman.  The problem with the film is that while the set-ups to the sex scenes are all nicely staged, by the time we get to the sex itself, it’s pretty boring.  The sex scenes go on FOREVER and aren’t very sexy to boot.  It’s like telling the beginning of a joke flawlessly and then fumbling around the punchline for fifteen minutes. 


Sure, all the girls have tremendous bustlines (nothing less than a D-Cup here) and show off their finely landscaped valleys, but all the sex is flatly choreographed and woefully padded out.  The scads of nudity always helped to keep my attention; it just seems to me that filming the sex in real time was a bad idea.  While I can’t say I really enjoyed the flick, since it features women with the biggest boobs I’ve seen outside of a Russ Meyer movie, it can’t be all that bad.


Director Bethel Buckalew also helmed the immortal Kiss Me Quick.

SASSY SUE (1973) ** ½

A redneck moonshiner gets his kicks by “shucking” the corn of his freshly legal neighbor’s daughter Dolly (Sharon Kelly of Delinquent Schoolgirls fame).  Since the moonshiner’s son Junior has a cow fucking problem, dear old dad figures that a roll in the hay with hottie Dolly will cure him of his farm animal inclinations.  Unfortunately, Junior ties a bell around poor Dolly’s neck, makes her moo, and fucks her cow style.  Afterwards, Pops beds down another red-headed cutie (Sandy Carey from Deep Jaws) and convinces her (along with her appropriately slutty sister) to give Junior a whirl in the sack and Junior promptly fizzles in bed due to premature ejaculation.  In the end, Junior professes his love for Sassy Sue, the family cow and his folks take the news surprisingly well.


Sassy Sue is pretty funny and is a lot more consistently entertaining than director Bethel Buckalew’s similarly themed The Pig Keeper’s Daughter, which was released the same year.  Unlike that film, the sex scenes in Sassy Sue are much more fun and feature a lot of variety.  Besides the kinky scene where Kelly is made to moo like a cow, we also get some lesbian bathing, a couple of threeways, and some light S & M.  The comic relief actually made me chuckle and the subplot about Pa making “custom made” toilet seats is a hoot.


I’m not saying that this flick is great; not by a long shot.  The stuff that happens in between the sex is kinda dull and even though some of the shtick is sorta funny, it wears out its welcome pretty fast.  What really makes Sassy Sue a (pubic) hair or two better than most of its type is the actresses.  Both Kelly and Carey are extremely hot and get lots of opportunities to show off their fire crotches.  Although I was a little disappointed that Kelly only stayed around for two scenes, she left a big impression on me (or at least my pants), so it was all good.


Okay, so the last Dolph Lundgren directed action movie I sat through was The Defender, which starred Jerry Springer as THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.  Despite that bit of stunt casting, it was still a turd.  Now here's Missionary Man, another Dolph-directed flick.  The verdict?  It’s not very good but at least it’s a lot better than The Defender.


The premise at least SOUNDS intriguing.  Dolph (who also co-wrote the story) stars as Ryder, a hard drinking, motorcycle riding, scripture-quoting, Bible-thumping ass kicker.  Not only does he thump the Bible, but he also thumps the heads of anyone who messes with the Indian population of a small desert town.  (He also finds time to provide a touching sermon at an Indian funeral too.)  It doesn’t take long before Ryder is going toe-to-toe against a Road House style villain (he owns the entire town and likes to hassle the townspeople) who sends out an army of smelly bikers to rub Ryder out.


Basically it’s Billy Jack Meets Pale Rider.


Missionary Man has a bizarre look to it.  Most of the flick is filmed in a muddy sepia tone that makes it look like it was shot using Old Time Photos technology.  Some quick checking on the IMBD confirmed that indeed, the color of the film was botched due to a faulty transfer process from the HD master to the DVD.  However unintentional the color scheme is, it gives Missionary Man a one-of-a-kind look that makes it stands out from the rest of the direct-to-DVD crap out there.


The LOOK of the film maybe one-of-a-kind, but the rest of the flick is strictly by-the-numbers.  The shootouts are all sloppily edited and staged, and while most of the Kung Fu scenes are handled decently (like when Dolph beats a couple dudes up with a trash can lid), for the most part, they’re all fairly lackluster.  To compound the flick’s shortcomings, the budget was about on par with your average Walker Texas Ranger episode.  Dolph does a better job in front of the camera though and delivers another solid (if thankless) performance.


Another thing that bugged me about the flick is that Dolph’s character is seemingly indestructible in this movie and although they kinda allude to him being some kind of avenging angel, they keep things all ambiguous and shit.  Dolph, you’re not making The Seventh Seal here.  Just give us what we want and leave the muddled supernatural aspects out of it.


Even though you have to listen to a bunch of Indian mumbo jumbo, some of it is downright hysterical.  My favorite line was when a random ass Indian tells Dolph:  “You share the eagle’s fate!  You are destined to soar free above all others!  Carried by the wind!  Feared by those below!”

RING OF FEAR (1954) **

Famed circus owner Clyde Beatty and acclaimed mystery writer Mickey Spillane both star as themselves in this bizarre flick from John Wayne’s personal production company, Batjac.  It’s not the worst Mad Killer Loose in a Circus Movie ever made, but you can get a small kick out of seeing these two very different talents teamed up under the big top for the first and only time.


The plot has a maniac escaping from a mental institution and faking his death (he plants his ID on a dude before tossing him under a speeding train) and heading for Clyde Beatty’s circus.  He’s got a grudge against Beatty and tries to sabotage the circus, causing several fatalities.  Clyde calls in Mickey to bring the no-good psycho to justice.


Directed by frequent Wayne collaborator James Edward (Angel and the Badman) Grant, Ring of Fear certainly is worth a look if only for curiosity’s sake.  Circus fanatics will definitely love seeing Beatty’s circus (in glorious Cinemascope no less) but since I don’t give a rat’s ass about circuses, I couldn’t care less about that shit.  Also, the flick contained one too many lion taming sequences, trapeze acts, and marching elephants for my mind to handle, so that didn’t help much either.  The real appeal here for me was seeing Mickey Spillane making his film debut.  He’s pretty good in this as he never takes things too seriously and cracks wise on the proceedings nicely.  While his appearance may not be the most sterling recommendation in the world, I had enough fun with it to give the flick at least Two Stars.


For those interested:  Beatty also played himself in the 1934 serial, The Lost Jungle and Spillane later went on to play his creation, Mike Hammer nine years later in The Girl Hunters.


Sinbad (Diabolik’s John Phillip Law) steals a golden amulet from a winged beastie and starts having visions of an ultra-hot belly dancer (played by the ultra-hot Caroline Munro).  Turns out the amulet belongs to a wicked Prince (Tom Baker from Doctor Who) who likes to chuck fireballs at people.  Sinbad then teams up with a guy in a golden mask (a victim of the Prince’s fireballs) to find some treasure and get pursued by the evil Prince.


The second Ray Harryhausen Sinbad adventure lacks the charm and fun of 1958’s The 7th Voyage of Sinbad.  (So wait, does this mean this is The EIGHTH Voyage of Sinbad?)  I’ll admit that I’ve never been a Sinbad kind of guy, but I do have an immense respect for Harryhausen’s excellent special effect work.  In this flick, Harryhausen gives us a flying griffin, a living wooden figurehead, a sword-slinging six-armed statue, and a rampaging centaur.


None of these really qualify as Harryhausen’s best work though.  Maybe it’s just because I’m partial to Harryhausen’s giant monsters from The 7th Voyage of Sinbad (especially the Cyclops), but all of the monsters in Golden are kinda small and  none of them really wowed me like they should’ve.  (Sure, the centaur in this movie is big, but it’s not THAT big.)  Sinbad’s swordfight with the six-armed statue was cool; it’s just too bad you have to sit through a lot of boring stuff to get to it.  Blame it on director Gordon Hessler (who later went on to helm the infamous KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park) who let all the stuff that didn’t involve stop-motion monsters drag, making the flick something of a chore to sit through. 


All in all, the best special effect in the film was Munro and her heavenly bosom.  Dressed in extremely skimpy outfits with her boobies halfway hanging out, Munro will definitely get your pulse a-racing and her lovely form compensates somewhat for the sluggish pacing.  Of the rest of the cast, Baker made for a decent villain and Law was certainly the swarthiest of all the screen Sinbads, but that’s about all I can say for him. 


Harryhausen returned three years later for the third and final Sinbad movie, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger.