March 2nd, 2009

JOYSTICKS (1983) *

Man, I got this movie from Netflix because it sounded like it would be great.  It’s basically Porky’s at a video game arcade.  Unfortunately, the key phrase here is SOUNDED.  Joysticks just flat out sucks.  I used to hang out obsessively in arcades during the 80’s and the intense nostalgia I have for that bygone era was the only thing that kept me watching this turd.

 

The whole premise has a grumpy parent (Joe Don Baker) trying to close down a small town video game arcade because he thinks it’s a dive.  He hires an obnoxious looking punk rocker named King Vidiot (Jonathan Gries, Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite) to sabotage the place and when that doesn’t work, Vidiot challenges the owner to a video game showdown for control of the business.  Meanwhile, a lot of girls show off their boobs, nerds hump horny MILFs, and a hotdog gets lost in between a girl’s tits.

 

Again, SOUNDS great doesn’t it?  The problem is none of this is even remotely funny.  I don’t think director Greydon (Without Warning) Clark knew ANYTHING about how a comedy works.  There are no set-ups and no payoffs to any of the so-called gags and there isn’t a single laugh to be had throughout the entire film.  I did like the camera wipes where Pac-Man himself would gobble up the scene though.  And the boobies.  They were cool.

 

Clark and Baker teamed up again the next year for the slightly less worse Final Justice.

ANGEL OF H.E.A.T. (1983) *

Porn Queen Supreme Marilyn Chambers stars in this godawful and excruciatingly unfunny softcore James Bond spoof.  Marilyn plays Angel, an undercover (a-hem) agent who works for a secret organization whose mission is to stop a mad genius from trying to take over the world using sound waves.  Along the way she falls in love with her nerdy partner and fucks a bunch of androids until they short circuit.  In the end, the bad guy gets away, which sets things up for a sequel that (THANK GOD) never happened.  

 

This movie blows its wad (no pun intended) during the first five minutes.  We get a pretty awesome James Bond style opening credit sequence where Marilyn practices Kung Fu completely naked.  Marilyn also gets naked a few more times throughout the film as does her co-star Mary (Rock n’ Roll High School) Woronov, who plays a bisexual agent that gets into a mud wrestling match and falls in love with a female android. 

 

While both ladies look great naked, the rest of the movie is totally worthless.  All of the comedy is cringe-inducing and mostly revolve around unfunny in-jokes about Marilyn’s past.  (She even sings “Green Door” at one point.)  The tepid sex scenes are nowhere near as good as Insatiable but then again, what do you expect when Marilyn doesn’t put out on camera?

 

The biggest crime the movie commits is that it’s boring as all get out.  It’s about as much fun as watching your dog take a shit.  (Actually, I can honestly say that watching your dog take a shit is infinitely more fun than watching this flick because my dog took a shit in the snow today and it was kinda fascinating watching it steam up and slowly sink into the snow.)

 

Look fast for porn star Randy West in a small stupid role.

 

AKA:  Angel from H.E.A.T.  AKA:  The Protectors, Book 1.