March 6th, 2009

WATCHMEN (2009) *** ½

Hey geeks; Watchmen is finally here so you can finally stop bitching about giant squids and shit on the internet.  I’ve never read the comic book so I can’t tell you what’s what but take it from me:  the flick’s not too shabby.  Now I’m not going to sit here and give you a tired plot rundown like I normally do because any die hard geek out there already knows the story inside out.  Besides, the plot is far too massive and cumbersome for me to give an adequate description anyway.  Basically what I’m going to do is tell you the shit I didn’t like and the shit I did.  Fair enough?  OK let’s boogie:


The Bad:  The sheer length of the movie.  It’s a long haul.  That’s not to say that director Zack Snyder didn’t always keep your attention.  He was constantly hurtling information at you all the time; almost forcing you to pay attention.  The amount of shit your brain has to process (for instance, the character’s back stories and past histories) can be at times overwhelming and it felt like Snyder was trying to spin one too many plates at the same time.  The flick probably requires another viewing to fully take everything in so I may eventually give it another shot (preferably on a comfy couch and the ability to use a pause button).  The film is simply ambitious to a fault.  While I admire Snyder’s obsessive compulsive need to throw in every little detail to placate the die hard fans of the comic; I think he could have been a bit more generous with the scissors in the editing room.


Now on to the good stuff.  In a word:  Rorschach.  As played by Jackie Earle Haley (yes, the same Jackie Earle Haley from The Bad News Bears), Rorschach is one bad motherfucker and kicks all kinds of ass; both in and out of costume.  He’s so great you’ll wish the whole movie was about him.  My second favorite character was Dr. Blueballs (Billy Crudup).  Basically he’s a blue guy with white eyeballs who went around totally naked and made Vietnamese people blow up.  And by totally naked I mean totally naked.  Without a doubt, this has to be the most gratuitous cock shot movie of all time.  I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that you’ll see his blue junk over a dozen times in this flick.  Even when the Doc goes to Antarctica, he still doesn’t put any pants on.  (Seriously folks, the man goes to Antarctica without a stitch of clothes on and never once experiences SHRINKAGE.  Now that’s a superhero for you!)


Speaking of naked superheroes, this flick had more scenes of superheroes fucking than you could shake a blue dick at.  It was almost like watching Red Shoe Diaries with capes.  My favorite scene was when Dr. Blueballs made multiple duplicates of himself to fuck his girlfriend (Malin Akerman) while simultaneously building a nuclear bomb in the other room. 


That’s right people; this guy is so powerful he can have a gangbang all by himself!    


And that’s more or less why I liked Watchmen so much:  The superheroes made legitimate uses of their super powers.  Honestly, if I had the power to be totally omnipotent, I’d be banging Malin Akerman in every hole at the same time too.