March 17th, 2009

SEED (2008) ½ *

Uwe Boll just really needs to stop.

Seed (Will Sanderson) is a serial killer (who killed "666 people"... yeah right) who wears a hood and likes to watch snuff videos where monkeys get bludgeoned to death.  Seed then starts to make some movies of his own that feature bugs, dogs, and babies starving to death and then decomposing.  Luckily, detective Michael Pare (starring in his 1,239th Boll film) stops Seed's reign of terror and throws him in jail.  The problem is that when Seed goes to the electric chair, Old Sparky doesn't have enough juice to kill him, so the warden (Ralf Moeller) decides to bury him alive.  Predictably, Seed crawls his way out of his grave and comes back for revenge.

The first 5 minutes of this movie has Seed watching snuff videos and the next 15 minutes is devoted to the cops watching Seed's videos.  So basically the first 20 minutes of the movie is solely comprised of people watching television.  Only Uwe Boll could get away with this shit. 

You would think that I would be pre-determined to enjoy this flick after giving Three Stars to Boll's House of the Dead and In the Name of the King:  A Dungeon Siege Tale.  Although I'm usually a lot more tolerant of the man's work than most reviewers, even I have to admit that this movie blows well-hung donkeys.  I think the big problem for Boll was the fact that Seed isn't based on a video game.  (At least not that I know of.)  Such things as "scripts" aren't Boll's forte, but if you give him an X-BOX controller, he can sure as shit make a movie out of it.  The acting, music, CGI effects, and editing are just as inane as Boll's direction.  The gore occasionally livens things up a little (like the pick axe to the head), but for the most part, Seed is just one big waste of film and time.  You know it's bad when a film makes you yearn for the subtle nuances of Bloodrayne.