April 22nd, 2009

CRANK: HIGH VOLTAGE (2009) ****

In 2005, Jason Statham starred in Transporter 2, which effectively set the bar for brain-dead, over-the-top, no-holds-barred action films for the new millennium.  In 2006, Statham returned with Crank, a film that trumped Transporter 2 for outright nuttiness.  Now, three years later; Statham is back for Crank:  High Voltage, which is possibly the most over-the-top film ever made.  And I am not just talking about mindless action films here folks; I mean this is THE MOST OVER-THE-TOP MOVIE EVER MADE.  EVER.

 

If you remember the first Crank, you remember that it’s hero Chev Chelios (Statham) was injected with a deadly toxin and the only way he could stay alive is by periodically shocking his system with adrenaline.  If you remember the first Crank, you also know that Chev died at the end of the first movie by falling out of a helicopter.

 

To quote the movie poster:  “He got better.”

 

Crank Deuce opens with Chinese baddies scraping up Chev’s body off the street with a shovel and putting him in ambulance.  They steal his heart and fit him with an artificial one so that they can rob him of his other vital organs.  When he learns they next intend to take his cock; the most vital organ of all; he says “Fuck that!” and runs out of the operating room, blowing away several Chinese dudes.  Chev later learns that the artificial heart only has enough juice in it to keep him alive for an hour so he has to continuously give himself electric shocks (car battery, cigarette lighter, grabbing a transformer, electric dog collar, latching onto a high power wire, etc.) in order to keep his mechanical heart running while he searches for the crime lord that stole his heart.

 

What follows is a rampage unlike cinema has ever seen.  I can’t even tell you about the mind-bending awesomeness that is Crank:  High Voltage.  We get to see a shotgun shoved up a guy’s ass, a severed elbow, and severed nipples.  In a shootout in a strip club (there are lots of naked women brandishing firearms in this movie; always a good thing), a bullet whizzes through a chick’s tits and silicone gushes out of the wound.  There’s a brain that floats around in a vat, They Saved Hitler’s Brain style.  The supporting cast includes Corey Haim (with an extreme mullet no less), Geri Halliwell (as Chev’s mom), David Carradine (under a ton of make-up), and lots of porn stars as themselves.

 

The fucking craziest motherfucking thing that happens in the fucking movie comes when Chev fights a baddie in a power station.  At this point everything stops and Chev and his opponent grow to enormous size and fight each other, just like in King Kong vs. Godzilla.  They even have oversized masks and hop up and down like the G-Man.  There’s even little model buildings and plastic men.  Yes, there is Men-In-Suit fighting in Crank:  High Voltage.  And it is glorious.

 

If that scene alone isn’t enough for you to run out and see this crazy ass piece of fucking amazing action cinema; you are suffering for a severe fun deficiency.

 

Crank:  High Voltage shocks it’s way to Number 2 on The Video Vacuum Top Ten of the Year, sandwiched in between Chocolate and My Bloody Valentine 3-D.