May 3rd, 2009

MILL OF THE STONE WOMEN (1963) ½ *

This dude invents this contraption in a windmill that makes a bunch of statutes of women revolve around on a rinky-dink track.  People come from miles around to see it.  Why?  I have no idea.  Probably because this is turn of the century Holland and HBO hadn’t been invented yet.  Anyway, this inventor has a daughter who falls in love with this chap whose real bland and when he Kirks out on her, she keels over!  Talk about high strung.  Then it’s revealed that she’s been dead for a long time (Or something like that; it’s hard to tell because I was dozing off like a motherfucker throughout this dull ass movie.) and her father has been blackmailing a disgraced scientist into keeping her alive.  (I think; again it’s hard to tell since I kept nodding off like a narcoleptic bastard.)  Basically the scientist guy uses the blood of young girls to keep the chick alive and then the mill owner preserves the corpses of the scientist’s victims and puts them in his little shitty showcase of slutty statues.

 

Jesus Christ this was one boring ass movie.  No lie, I fell asleep no less than eight times on this flick.  Part of the reason for this is that my Spider-Man pillow is as comfy as a motherfucker, but the movie has to shoulder a lot of the blame as to why I fell asleep so much.  Now usually if a movie does start to put me to sleep, it’s because I’m watching it in bed at 10:30 at night.  That’s understandable because I’m already tired and shit.  There is no reason why a movie should make me fall asleep (eight times no less!) while I’m just chilling out on my futon at six in the afternoon.

 

The last five minutes of this movie are pretty tight though.  The scientist ties this chick up and her chest heaves up and down so much that her nipple slips out of her dress.  Not bad for ’63.  Then, one of the corpses’ head falls off.  That’s about it unfortunately.  If your prescription plan doesn’t cover Ambien, then rent this flick.  It’ll put you in la-la land in no time flat.

 

The narrator gets the best line of the movie when he says, “The trouble began with a woman.”

 

AKA:  Drops of Blood.  AKA:  Horror of the Stone Women.  AKA:  Icon.  AKA:  The Horrible Stone Women.