June 20th, 2009

THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS (1982) ** ½

Burt Reynolds is one of my all time favorite movie stars.  It doesn’t matter if the movie he’s in is bad (and often times, believe me it is), just as long as he drives a car real fast and does that funny little laugh of his, the flick is still worth watching by my standards.  Well, Burt doesn’t drive any cars real fast in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (well he does, but he isn’t being chased or anything) but he does laugh about five or six times.

 

Burt plays this sheriff (Oh no, The Bandit is starring as a Smokey!  Say it ain’t so!) who is in love with the madam (Dolly Parton) of the titular house of ill repute.  Some jerk-off “Watchdog” (Dom DeLuise) tries to close the place down for no good reason and Burt’s got to stop him.  So far so good.  The problem is, is this flick is a musical so that means there’s a lot of singing and dancing.  Drats.

 

I will say this for the musical number where Burt duets with Dolly:  It’s not that bad.  Burt’s singing voice ain’t too shabby and it’s a shame he didn’t cut an LP or something.  While the song ain’t up to snuff with Dolly’s material in Rhinestone, it didn’t make my eardrums bleed or anything.  The rest of the songs pretty much suck (the scene with the football players prancing around the locker room was a bit much) but at least Dolly got to sing “I Will Always Love You” a full decade before Whitney “Crackhead” Houston did.

 

As Burt movies go, it’s no Stroker Ace but if you wanna see him acting alongside Dolly, you’ll probably dig it.  At least the filmmakers were smart enough to give Burt the best line in the movie.  It comes when Dolly forces him to wear a Speedo.  He refuses and says, “That’s like putting two bowling balls in a marble bag!”

 

AKA:  The Best Little Cathouse in Texas.

FUTURE-KILL (1985) ½ *

In the “future”, a bunch of dorky college students have to dress up like “mutants” (they basically just look like punk rockers) and kidnap another mutant so they won’t get kicked out of their fraternity.  It doesn’t go well when “Splatter” (Edwin Neal), the leader of the mutants, kills the frat boy’s intended prank victim and then blames it on the idiot teens.  Then, the frat rats have to find their way home while avoiding Splatter’s legions of mutant hotheads.  

 

So it’s Escape from New York Meets The Warriors Meets Revenge of the Nerds; except that it’s pretty much one of the worst pieces of shit I’ve rented from Netflix in the past year.

 

This movie is only of note for two reasons.  1)  H.R. Giger, the man who designed Alien, drew the film’s kick ass poster.  2)  The flick reunites Edwin Neal and Marilyn Burns from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  It’s also of note because it happens to be one of the worst pieces of shit I’ve rented from Netflix in the past year.

 

I mean, I can almost hear the producers now.  Hey, Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a great movie so if we team up Edwin and Marilyn again it will be guaranteed to be a classic.  Right?  Guys?  Too bad they didn’t foresee it being one of the worst pieces of shit I’ve rented from Netflix in the past year.

 

What really made me hate this movie was that for all the talk about mutants and radiation fallout, there aren’t any REAL mutants in the whole goddamn movie.  The “mutants” are merely liberal protestors trying to show the conservatives what we’d all look like if there was an actual nuclear blast.  (Basically these jackasses just watched Road Warrior one too many times and went a little crazy with the eyeliner and Aquanet.)  Another thing that I didn’t like about Future-Kill was that it was one of the worst pieces of shit I’ve rented from Netflix in the past year.

 

On top of that, the flick is terrible.  It’s also too dark to make out any of the action.  And it doesn’t make one lick of goddamn sense.  In addition, Future-Kill is one of the worst pieces of shit I’ve rented from Netflix in the past year. 

 

The silver lining in this turd cloud is that some of the dialogue is pretty priceless.  I guess you have to give respect to Neal for that because he also wrote some “Additional Material” for the film.  If “Additional Material” means that he was responsible for lines like:  “I’m not fagging out for anybody!”, then I guess I can’t be too harsh on the man.

 

AKA:  Night of the Alien.  AKA:  Splatter.