June 29th, 2009

THE GREATEST MOVIES IN THE HISTORY OF THE HUMAN RACE

Okay folks, we’re back with the final installment of TGMITHOTHR before it goes on summer vacation.  Thanks for all the positive feedback on this column and rest assured that it (like James Bond) Will Return this fall.  This week’s movie is…

 

DEADFALL  (1993)  ****

 

There are three faces to Nicolas Cage:  The Chick Flick Face, The Action Hero Face, and the Oh My God Get That Boy Some Ritalin Face.  In my opinion, Cage should just really lay off the Chick Flicks.  The Family Man?  NO!  Guarding Tess?  Egads!  Moonstruck?  The horror!  His fast-paced, high body count action flicks like The Rock, Con-Air, and Face/Off make up for his forays into female-friendly films, but it’s his out-there performances in films like Raising Arizona, Kiss of Death, and Vampire’s Kiss that I appreciate most.  Vampire’s Kiss is probably the most infamous of these films due to the fact that Cage ate a real life cock-a-roach on screen.  For my money though, his best all time Oh-No-He-Didn’t performance came in this flick, Deadfall.

 

Now Deadfall was directed by Cage’s brother, Christopher Coppola (and nephew of Francis), who obviously A) fell asleep B) lost a bet or C) didn’t care what the heck Nic did while filming his scenes. 

 

Cage’s gonzo performance aside, Deadfall is just another one of those early 90 film noir wannabes like The Grifters, Red Rock West (which also starred Cage), and The Last Seduction.  The plot... fuck it… who gives a good goddamn about the plot.  If you’ve already seen those previously mentioned movies, you know the gist of things:  Somebody is conning somebody else and you’d don’t know who’s getting conned until the very end.  That shit doesn’t matter though. 

 

With Cage acting this crazy, who NEEDS a plot?

 

Cage is completely unhinged and acts totally deranged in this flick.  That is to say, he’s fucking brilliant!  Cage wears a funny wig, oversized sunglasses, and sports a hideous tan.  He also hyperventilates, says his lines like he’s high on ecstasy, and throws temper tantrums like a two year old.  He also gets some of the best lines in Video Vacuum history.  Here’s just a few examples:

 

  • When Michael Biehn (the hero) doesn’t answer a question in a timely manner, Cage pulls his gun out and screams, “What’s the matter, cat got your fuckin’ tongue?”

 

  • While preparing to pull a con he says, “What do you say we have some fun time family fun?”

 

  • When he can’t get his car started he hollers, “Fucker, fucker… FUCK!”

 

  • Cage will also randomly speak in a Mexican accent for no reason whatsoever and says shit like, “Choo got it bebe!”

 

  • How about the scene where he kills a dude and screams, “Let’s fuck!”

 

  • Or the scene where Cage goes on a coke binge and says, “What am I?  A fucking retard, man!  A fucking retard?  HUH?... Well VIVA LA FUCKING FRANCE, MAN!”

 

  • Or how about the scene where Cage pulls a gun on someone and yells, “It’s a crazy fucking world we live in… CAPTAIN JACK!... Filthy-double-crosser-filthy-double-crossing-filthy-goddamn-fucking-filthy-little-brat!”

 

  • Then there’s the part where he says “Bull…shit, bull…shit” in a helium voice for no discernable reason.

 

  • Then there’s the scene where Cage starts downing shots in a strip club and screeches “Mommy…mommy… HERE’S TO SAM PECKINPAH!  Mommy… I’ll be damned… ALL SUMMER LONG!!

 

  • The best line though comes when a random extra bumps into Cage and he karate chops the fuck out of the guy while screaming, “HI-FUCKING-YA!”  Yes folks; that’s probably the all time greatest movie line of all time.  (Although “You mean we talkin’ ‘bout some damn shark’s mother?” from Jaws 3-D is right up there too.)

 

Sadly Cage gets killed off about halfway through the movie when Biehn sticks his face in a deep fryer.  Even though he’s only in half the movie, that shouldn’t stop you from checking this flick out.  Cage acts crazy enough for FIVE movies!  His performance IS the movie.

 

Although the last thirty or so minutes of Deadfall is Cage-free, you still may enjoy sticking around until the end.  I mean you get to see a goateed Charlie Sheen as a pool hustler, Angus (The Tall Man from Phantasm) Scrimm sporting a robotic claw arm, Talia Shire as a bartender, Rene Estevez, Peter Fonda, and Mickey Fucking Dolenz!  Three Coppolas, two Sheens, one Fonda, and a Monkee?  How can you not love this fucking movie?  Do yourself a favor and run out and check this flick out.  You’re guaranteed to have some “fun time family fun!”

 

Deadfall ranks a solid Number 9 spot on The Video Vacuum Top Ten Films for the Year of 1993; sandwiched in between The Bride with White Hair and Freaked.

Well folks, that’s gonna be it for The Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race series for now, but it’ll be back in the fall to tell you about all the great movies you’ve may have missed and need to see.  See you soon Vacuumers…

VICE ACADEMY 4 (1994) *

Director/writer/producer/editor Rick (Hobgoblins) Sloane returns with this completely 4-gettable sequel in the Vice Academy series.  The first sign that this one’s gonna suck hardcore is that neither Linnea Quigley OR Ginger Lynn Allen from the original are in it.  We do get Elizabeth Kaitan but she doesn’t show her tits, so what’s the damn point?  (At least co-star Julia Parton shows off her boobs.) 

 

Part 4 features a bare minimum of plot; most of it is just rehashed stuff left over from Part 3.  The evil green-haired villainess Malathian (Parton) escapes from jail and threatens to ruin Miss Devonshire’s (Jayne Hamil) wedding to The Commissioner (Jay Richardson).  It’s up to Candy (Kaitan) and her partner (some other broad) to stop her.

 

Vice Academy lowers the already low standards of the once promising series.  While 3 had its moments and was a definite step up from 2; 4 is just flat out bad.  It’s so bad that it makes the original look like Duck Soup in comparison.

 

Part 4 feels like it was shot over a weekend and most of the actors just stand around looking miserable.  The lone exception is Richardson, who in my opinion has never given a bad performance.  He also gets the only funny line in the film.  It comes after Hamil proposes to him.  He responds with, “Will you do everything a third world bride would do in order to get a green card?”