July 2nd, 2009

BATBABE: THE DARK NIGHTIE (2009) *

Wendy Wane (Darian Caine) is a stripper who moonlights as a costumed superhero named Batbabe who wears a skimpy negligee and an unwieldy latex mask.  Her arch nemesis is The Jerker (Robert Mandara), a guy that paints his face like Ronald McDonald and jerks off a lot.  His diabolical plan is to steal all the porn in Bacchum City and drive everyone crazy by giving them blue balls.

 

Okay, let’s hold it right there.  I know this flick is supposed to be a dumb softcore parody of a major blockbuster, but come on, this plan is downright stupid.  The Jerker steals all the XXX videos and magazines from the city and everyone goes insane from having no porn.  Umm… hasn’t anyone ever heard of a little thing called “The Internet” in which you can get all kinds of disgusting pornography at the touch of a button?  What a freaking idiot.

 

Batbabe seemed really promising but this flick is just plain sucky in just about every department.  The sex scenes are all lame and feature the requisite bumping and grinding you’d expect from one of these Seduction Cinema spoofs.  None of them are particularly hot.  (The sex scenes were so interchangeable that I was even tempted to fast forward through them.)  To make matters worse, most of the girls look pretty haggard and they all have way too many ugly looking tattoos and tramp stamps that ruin just about any chance they had at being sexy. 

 

Unlike say, Erotic Survivor which had the benefit of some funny jokes and a few real actors; Batbabe suffers from a lot of inane gags and atrocious performances.  Darian does what she can with the substandard material.  That isn’t much though.  I do have to say that at 35, she’s starting to look kinda rough.  Maybe she should think about hanging the g-string up.  The less said about the rest of the cast, the better.  Man, was this ever a long 78 minutes.

 

The budget is also really low and the effects look like they were concocted by a two year old.  Although the flick is more or less a close parody of The Dark Knight, I have no idea what was up with that random lesbian make-out scene in the gym.  That sure as shit wasn’t in The Dark Knight.

 

There was a smidgen of good stuff sprinkled in here and there.  We get an amusing variation on The Joker’s “pencil trick” (except with a dildo) and handful of Joel Schumacher jokes too.  Even though The Jerker was thoroughly irritating, he did have ONE semi-amusing line of dialogue: “You ever bop the bologna in the pale moon light?”

THE STORY OF O (1975) ***

A hot chick named O (Corinne Clery, the hot chick that Roger Moore banged in Moonraker) is told by her lover (Udo Kier) that she has to join this kinky Medieval Times joint so she can be whipped and fucked a lot.  She does it mostly cuz she likes getting whipped and fucked.  After she gets done with those dudes, her boyfriend hands her over to his buddy Sir Stephen (Anthony Steele) who whips her and fucks her some more.  Since she likes getting whipped and fucked a lot, she doesn’t mind.  Sir Stephen then pawns her off on a bunch of lesbians who… you guessed it… whip her and fuck her.  Then she’s ready to be branded with Stephen’s initials so she can be his forever.

 

Simply put; O is my kind of girl.

 

The Story of O is based on a classic novel of erotic literature.  You know, back in the days before the internet when people had to READ their porn.  (This is why literacy is such a good investment.)  I’ve never read the book, but the movie gave me four or five chubs throughout the 92 minute running time which is plenty for a *** review.

 

Clery is hot and she is naked in every other scene.  What more do you want from an actress?  There are also a lot of other hot chicks on hand that get naked at the drop of a hat too.  Mad props to those fine ladies as well.

 

If The Story of O does have a fault, it’s that it gets a bit monotonous after awhile.  If you aren’t into whipping and fucking, then this flick probably won’t do much for you.  If however your tastes run over to the kinky side, then The Story of O will be just the slice of Old School Skinamax Softcore Sex Flick you’ve been looking for.