The Video Vacuum

Secrets of Sweet Sixteen consists of a bunch of tenuously connected vignettes that involve young girls getting themselves into compromising sexual situations.  Before the titles even come up we see two hot gals completely disrobe to distract a would-be child molester just long enough for the cops to arrive and cart him off.  The next sequence involves a young girl who throws herself at her mom’s beau.  She ends up not wanting to go all the way, so he rapes her.  Weirdly enough we’re later told that “mother and daughter became the best of friends”!  The third story involves a swinging dude arranging for his virgin roommate to get laid by the insanely hot Christina (Thriller:  A Cruel Picture) Lindberg.  The following segment is all about the postmaster’s horny daughter who fucks in the post office.  Her boyfriend stamps her butt with “Return to Sender” and when her dad sees it, he gets furious.  He thinks some idiot mailman is responsible and he chases him around Benny Hill style.  The final segment is all about a Satanic cult who buys a virgin who is willing to be sacrificed.  Her fiancée finds out and he and his tough-talking Sicilian friends try to stop the ceremony.  Little do they know that the Satanists moonlight as professional wrestlers (!) and are ready for a fight.

This nutty flick was directed by Ernst Hofbauer, the guy who did all of those Schoolgirl Report films.  If you’ve seen any of those movies, then you pretty much know what to expect.  What makes Secrets of Sweet Sixteen different is that Hofbauer more or less ditches the whole “documentary” angle and is content to just give us a disjointed skin flick with little to no explanation as to how it’s all connected.

The stories themselves aren’t much to brag about.  The first one is pretty skeevy, the second doesn’t have much of a payoff, and the third doesn’t really go anywhere.  The fourth story is probably the best because it has the most “plot”, although I did enjoy the last episode too.  Just seeing those professional wrestling Satanists do battle with irate Italian-Americans was… different to say the least.

The stories really don’t matter though; it’s the sexy stuff that counts.  Based on that rationale, Secrets of Sweet Sixteen gets a solid Three Star rating from me.  There was enough face-sucking and nipple-gobbling for me to recommend it.  Also, Christina Lindberg looks hot and is mostly topless throughout her limited screen time.  I do have to deduct a Half Star for the gratuitous scene (featured in the second story) involving a bunch of fat, old, naked ladies lounging around in a spa.  These broads are not “Sweet”, and they sure as shit aren’t “Sixteen”.  Other than that, the flick was fairly decent.

Lindberg also starred in Schoolgirl Report 4 for Hofbauer.

AKA:  What Schoolgirls Don’t Tell.

Back in the 80’s, everyone had an exercise video.  Jane Fonda, Dixie Carter, and even Ginger Lynn all tried to get everyone off the couches and into shape.  Of all the A-List, B-List, and C-List celebrities that starred in their own workout tape, Laura Gemser’s has to be the strangest.  Not that I claim to be an expert in the field.  I mean, the last workout video I watched was the Cindy Crawford one and I wasn’t exactly watching that for the aerobics if you know what I mean and I think you do.  

It’s not the fact that Gemser is such a low rent celebrity that makes this flick so downright weird.  I mean, I’m a big fan of Gemser’s Black Emanuelle series and I jumped at the chance to see this.  (I’ve watched worse movies that held less promise.)  But nothing, NOTHING could have prepared me for… THIS.  I have to go on record here by saying that Gemser’s foray into the exercise video field, Looking Good With Laura Gemser is the single most bizarre fucking workout video I have ever seen in my life.

Scratch that:  Looking Good With Laura Gemser is the single most bizarre fucking THING I have ever seen in my life.

God where do I begin?  Let’s start with the fact that Laura DOESN’T EVEN DO ANY OF THE FUCKING EXERCISES!  Mostly, she just sits in a huge wicker chair and commands everyone else to do the exercises while she delivers a monotone voiceover.  Early in the video, she tells us that she does these exercises to maintain her figure because she’s a movie star and stuff.  We never once though see her do anything other than some simple stretches.  Sometimes they’ll cut to a close-up of her on the floor smiling after the exercise is over and done with to make it look like she really did it but even a near-sighted four year-old could tell you she didn’t do shit.

I think the most hilarious part was when she says that “anyone can do these exercises” including her instructor, who happens to be PREGNANT.  I know these exercises are decidedly low impact so I’m sure a preggo person could do it, but does that mean that at the end of the video Gemser can SIT on top of the poor pregnant woman like she was a human throne?  I can hear her now.  “Hey pregnant lady, go do all these exercises.  Oh wait, are you tired?  Here lay flat on your belly on the floor and prop your feet upwards.  Why?  Because I’m going to SIT ON YOU LIKE A FUCKING HUMAN THRONE GODDAMN IT, THAT’S WHY!”

The program is only an hour long but I’ll be damned if it didn’t seem a Hell of a lot longer.  To add insult to injury, just about half the goddamn video is filmed in slow motion.  I’m guessing if they didn’t do that, the video would’ve only been about 25 minutes.  To further pad the running time, the last ten minutes of the video is a “freestyle” dance session where all the women just uh… dance.  They even do The Robot at one point.  I’m not kidding.

Folks, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

How do I even issue a star rating for this thing?  Judging Looking Good With Laura Gemser for what it was intended is an easy task.  No one in their right mind would ever do any of these exercises.  No one in their right mind could stand the nausea inducing slow motion.  No one in their right mind would trust an exercise video by someone who was too lazy to do the exercises themselves.  No one in their right mind would follow the advice of anyone who sat on a pregnant lady.  So in that respect, the flick gets No Stars.  BUT… since this is the looniest shit I’ve ever laid eyes on; I have to give it at least One Star for the utter absurdity of it all.

Laura’s best instruction:  “Sweat!  That’s what I want you to do!”