August 1st, 2009


Okay so last week I’m watching the constant Michael Jackson coverage on TV.  I see his life, his death, and everything in between shown 24/7 on 75 different channels.  One show was going through all the usual career highlights:  MJ on The Sullivan Show with The Jackson Five, the Moonwalk, the Thriller video, etc.  You know the same old shit.  Then out of nowhere they mention “his final film”, Miss Cast Away and the Island Girls.  And I’m like, “What the fuck is this shit?  How come I’ve never heard of this flick before?”  Then they showed a brief clip of Michael talking to the guy from 18 Again while surrounded by some cheap-o magical force field and spouting some inane garbage about Noah’s Ark.  All this time I kept thinking:  This is going straight to Number 1 on my Netflix Queue.


It came in the mail the other day and I watched it.  The Good News:  Michael’s cameo is the best part of the whole flick.  The Bad News:  Michael’s cameo is about as long as the clip they showed on TV.


The movie (and I use the term “movie” very loosely) is more or less a low budget version of those Extreme Movie/Disaster Movie/Date Movie spoofs that I haven’t seen because they look woefully lame.  This one spoofs (among others) Cast Away, Survivor, and the Harry Potter films.  Again, shit I’ve never seen because it looks incredibly weak. 


There is ONE funny joke in the whole movie that makes fun of The Sixth Sense where some chick says she sees dead people and then Charlie Chaplin is revealed to be sitting next to her.  ½ * for that.  The other ½ * goes to the bizarre sight of seeing Michael (more or less reprising his role in Men in Black 2) making an ass out of himself.  That’s about all the movie has going for it though.


I suppose I should tell you the “plot” of this thing.  A plane loaded with beauty pageant contestants crashes on a desert island.  While everyone bickers, the virginal co-pilot (the annoying dude from 18 Again) finds some doohickey that contacts him with Michael Jackson.  You see “Agent MJ” works for The Vatican and he tells the co-pilot that if Noah’s Ark ever touches the water again, it will flood the world and kill everybody.  It seems that the monkeys from Planet of the Apes have stolen the Ark and want to drive it around so they’ll kill all the humans and be able to reclaim the world after 40 days and nights.  Since the Ark resides on the island, everyone must band together to stop the apes and rescue Noah’s dingy. 


Oh and did I mention the movie stars Eric Roberts and the dude from Joe Millionaire?  Yep, it’s that kind of flick folks.  Captain EO it is not.


You know, I’ve been watching a lot of Before They Were Famous movies (Choices, Children of the Corn 5, The Seniors, etc.) lately so it was kind of a nice change of pace to watch an After They’re Dead movie.  Too bad it sucked nuts.  If you want to see a fitting tribute to the King of Pop, watch the Thriller video again.  RIP Michael. 


AKA:  Michael Jackson in Neverlanding Story.  AKA:  Silly Movie 2.  AKA:  Miss Cast Away.


Therese (Essy Persson from Mission Stardust) is an old lesbian who takes a quiet tour of her decrepit old boarding school.  There she constantly flashes back to her days as a young schoolgirl who gets feelings in her pants for a saucy little minx named Isabelle (Anna Gael).  After a lot of leering glances and inexperienced fumblings, the gals slowly but surely become full-fledged vulva jockeys.


Therese and Isabelle is classy, first-rate, smut.  You do have to wait an entire HOUR before the titular lasses get down and dirty with each other, but I have to admit it was worth it.  And by worth it I mean it gave me a boner.  What’s awesome about the flick is the ultra-hot narration that Therese gives during the scenes where the luscious ladies lick each other’s labias.  That shit got me worked up something fierce.  I particularly enjoyed the way she likened her tonguing technique to a cat “cleansing itself”.  And wait until you hear her fancy-schmansy euphemisms for ass-play.   


The two leads are as talented as they are hot and they really make you care about their characters.  Director Radley (The Opening of Misty Beethoven) Metzger films their lesbianic trysts in a manner that can only be described as cinematic poetry.  The scenes where the older Therese scours the school ground moping are also well done.  She’ll be looking at an old abandoned classroom then the camera will pan over to a brand new blackboard where a teacher is teaching class and we immediately go into flashback mode.  I don’t care if Metzger is a smut director or not, that’s legit filmmaking whoever you are.  I do have to deduct One Star for the HOUR long wait before we got to the boobies though.  Other than that, this movie rocks.