September 3rd, 2009

GREY GARDENS (2009) **

Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange play these two old broads who live in a dilapidated mansion and run around acting nuttier than elephant turds.  They are so fucking crazy that these two documentary filmmakers think it’ll be a laugh riot to film them acting bat shit insane.  While the two haggard looking fossils aren’t hamming it up for the camera, they flash back to their early days when they still had money but still acted like complete space cadets.  After they lose all of their dough, the weirdo women opt to live in their decaying manor wallowing in their own filth.  Luckily, their cousin Jackie O (Jeanne Tripplehorn) intervenes and spruces up the place so they don’t have to be up to their elbows in cat shit all the time.

 

In short, it’s another one of those Bad-Old-Age-Make-Up-O-Rama Dramas.

 

Seriously, whoever did the make-up for this movie should have his fingers latexed together so he can never botch another make-up job ever again.  I mean Barrymore and Lange are supposed to look OLD.  They’re not supposed to look like third-degree burn victims. 

 

Bad make-up is one thing but bad performances are an entirely different entity.  I always thought Barrymore and Lange were decent actresses.  Then I saw this movie.  Good God man, all these women do in this movie is dart around like Sea Monkeys on crack babbling incessantly about who knows what.  It didn’t help that they sported hideous accents that made them both sound like Barbara Walters gargling a mouthful of grizzly bear semen either.

 

Admittedly, the movie is a lot easier to take when they’re both wearing the horrible looking old age make-up.  At least then it’s got moments of unintentional humor.  The flashback scenes where they’re all dolled up and in their prime are excruciating.  At one point, Barrymore says, “It’s very difficult to keep the line from the past to the present.”  I agree.  The filmmakers should’ve just dropped all the 1930’s bullshit and just focused on the nutty old women running around stepping in cat crap.