December 4th, 2009


Okay, stay with me here.  There’s this man-eating bed that lives in a rundown estate that gobbles up any unfortunate soul who happens to sleep (or fuck) on it.  (Could this be labeled as Matress-side?)  The bed couldn’t bring itself to eat this wimpy dude who was dying on it so it allows him to live inside the painting next to the bed.  From there, the swishy son of a bitch tells us all about the bed’s history and previous victims until three chicks show up to the mansion and become the beastly bed’s next meal.


I think it’s wonderful that the filmmakers felt the need to add a colon and “The Bed That Eats” to the title of this movie.  By adding this subtitle, it shows that they wanted to be completely upfront with the audience and not mislead them into thinking that this movie was all about some old fart sitting on their death bed for an hour and a half.  For that, I have to give them mad props.  As subtitles go, “The Bed That Eats” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as “Electric Bugaloo” or “The Destruction of Jared-Syn” but it’ll do nicely.


While Death Bed:  The Bed That Eats isn’t great or anything, it’s very reminiscent of a middle of the road Troma movie.  Like any respectable Troma flick, it features lots of nudity, goofy gore, and semi-amusing attempts at humor.  If that sort of thing is your cup of tea; you’ll probably enjoy it.


Director George Barry peppers in a few nice touches here and there.  I have to admit the way that the first, second, and third acts were referred to as “Breakfast”, “Lunch”, and “Dinner” was pretty clever.  I also liked the shots where you get to see inside the lining of the bed’s stomach as it digests it’s victims.  There’s even a funny scene where the bed eats some Pepto-Bismol after a victim doesn’t agree with it. 


Death Bed:  The Bed That Eats is fun for a little while but the novelty of seeing people getting eaten by a killer bed wears thin rather quickly.  Even at a relatively short 77 minutes, the film still feels too long.  You know you’re in trouble when the movie opens up with one full minute of chewing sounds over a black screen.   There’s also an extended sequence of a chick whose legs have been munched on by the bed who crawls around on the floor FOREVER before finally dying.  Excessive padding on a normal bed is one thing but it sucks on a Death Bed.


Another thing that really hampers the film is the abundance of dopey narration and useless voiceovers.  They’re mainly just there just to string together otherwise unconnected scenes of people being absorbed into the bed and eaten.  Plus you have to deal with all the idiotic characters.  I mean c’mon; if the people are stupid enough to sleep on a perfectly made bed in an otherwise dilapidated mansion, they get what they deserve.


I still can’t completely dismiss this movie though because it truly has some head-scratching moments of bizarre randomness that keeps you watching.  Like when the bed eats the flesh off a guy’s hands and leaves them as nothing but bones.  That’s not the weird part, folks.  The weird part is that the guy doesn’t even scream or holler when all the flesh gets eaten away from his hands.  He doesn’t even get pissed or anything after he has his sister cut off his hand bones.  You have to give old Stumpy credit for attempting to turn a negative into a positive.  Just don’t try to give him a High Five.