December 17th, 2009

EXIT WOUNDS (2001) ***

I avoided this when it first came out because I was in the middle of an embargo on any Kung Fu movie co-starring third-rate rappers. I pretty much hate DMX (I prefer BMX myself) and thought he marred an otherwise great Romeo Must Die so I ended up giving Exit Wounds a pass while it was in the theater. I don’t know why I waited so long because it’s actually one of Steven Seagal’s better pictures. Not only does it have a few genuinely good action scenes, it has some truly bizarre shit in it that makes it memorable.

Seagal stars as a detective who doesn’t play by the rules and decides the ignore protocol in order to save the Vice President. Naturally, his superiors get pissed and demote him to a ghetto precinct. It doesn’t take long for him to uncover a conspiracy involving dirty heroin dealing cops and a crime lord (DMX) who isn’t quite what he appears to be. And you know what that means: Seagal has to snap a lot of wrists and kick a lot of ass.

The first twenty minutes of this movie is filled with all kinds of inspired insanity. First, Seagal blows up a helicopter to save the VP, then there’s a hilarious scene where Seagal gets sent to anger management, followed by a great fight where he catches a bunch of punks trying to steal his car and promptly beats their asses. Had director Andrzej (Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li) Bartkowiak kept up this manic energy for the entire 100 minute running time, Exit Wounds would’ve been the most balls out fun action movie ever made.

It doesn’t though, so you just have to deal with it. Things sorta get bogged down during the whole bad-cops and good-criminals shenanigans. I guess you would call that the “plot”. It’s all more complicated than it needs to be and you can guess the identity of the big kingpin from the first time he opens his mouth. You also have to suffer through some stupid comic relief from the always annoying Anthony Anderson too.

No matter what the film’s shortcomings are there is some truly nutty stuff here that makes Exit Wounds a lot of fun. I particularly enjoyed the Action Jackson inspired scene where Seagal jumps over a speeding car. Then there’s the unbelievable scene where DMX ties a string to a shotgun and tosses it in the air to shoot people. And wait until you hear the bad guy’s big plan. It will have you in stitches. (SPOILER: It involves smuggling heroin in T-shirts!) In addition to these screwy scenes of lunacy, there is a fairly intense scene where a bad guy comes after Seagal with a power saw as well as a kickass final swordfight with paper cutters.

Seagal has never been known for his comedic chops but he comes off well enough during the film’s lighter moments. In fact, I would’ve been happy if the flick had ditched all the dirty cop shit and just focused on Seagal in anger management. That alone would’ve made for an awesome movie.

Best Dialogue Exchange: Seagal’s Partner: “Did you really beat a suspect unconscious with a dead cat?”

Seagal: “No… The cat wasn’t dead!”

VIRGIN WITCH (1972) **

If I saw Virgin Witch when I was 14 years old, I would have probably given it Four Stars. Most of this movie consists of two hot sisters (Ann and Vicki Michelle) getting naked. They take it off for modeling auditions, go au natural for photo shoots, strip down to get in the shower, disrobe to hop in the tub, and go in the buff for satanic rituals. Hell, I think I would’ve busted a nut during the scene where the lesbian modeling agent measures the one chick’s bust line and gets REAL close to her scrumptious boobies. I mean the very first shot of this movie is of a boob! This is a potential recipe for a classic but tragically, things get awfully boring about halfway through.

The plot has the two young virginal teenage runaway sisters answering an ad to be nude models. They are quickly sent to an old castle in the country where they prance around naked a lot. Little do they know that the lesbian smut magnate is a witch and plans to sacrifice the virgin vixens.

For the first 35 minutes, Virgin Witch is awesome. The film stumbles considerably when it starts concentrating more on the “Witch” side of things instead of the “Virgin” aspect of the plot. You have to deal with such boring sights as a dirty old warlock yammering on and on about how great witchcraft is, as well as a supremely shitty lounge act. Plus, the girls don’t get naked nearly as much in the second half as they did in the first. Sure, there is an occasional orgy or two that livens things up, but for the most part, the final 50 minutes or so are a washout.

The Michelle sisters are easily the best thing about the movie. Both of them have perky tits, nice little bushes and are sexy as Hell. It’s just a shame the movie never gives them anything interesting to do besides get naked.

AKA: Lesbian Twins.