September 15th, 2010

BEYOND LOCH NESS (2008) **

A team of scientists goes to study the legend of the Loch Ness Monster only to learn that Nessie is not only real, but hungry as well.  Years later, Nessie reemerges in Lake Superior and gobbles up some fishermen.  The lone survivor of the previous Loch Ness attack has grown up to become a crypto-zoologist (Brian Krause) that tracks the monster down in hopes of getting revenge.  He’s unaware however that Nessie has had a full litter of little monsters that are looking to turn everyone into a hot lunch.

 

Beyond Loch Ness is a typical SyFy Channel Original Movie, so you should already know what to expect going in.  I will say that the CGI effects for the Loch Ness Monster aren’t nearly as bad as most SyFy Channel flicks and the carnage old Nessie creates ain’t too shabby either.  She chomps off arms, legs, and heads and even bites one dude in half.  I also have to applaud the filmmakers’ decision to make Nessie amphibious.  I think it’s cool that Nessie can come on land to eat people because if she was a water-bound creature, then all the characters had to do to stay alive would be to keep out of the lake.  I also liked all of the nods to Jaws too (Krause makes cyanide laced bullets, there’s a character named Brody, etc.).

 

All the stuff not revolving around Nessie chowing down on people is a real snoozer though.  After a solid first half, the flick sorta gets bogged down when the crypto-zoologist comes onto the scene and starts hunting the monster.  The Nessie Cam POV shots are overused too and wear out their welcome pretty fast.  Still, it’s kinda funny seeing the monster kid from Sleepwalkers playing a tough-talking, cowboy hat-wearing, scar-faced crypto-zoologist. 

 

Which reminds me, here’s a suggest drinking game for ya:  Take a shot of your favorite alcoholic beverage every time someone says “crypto-zoologist”.

 

AKA:  Loch Ness.  AKA:  Loch Ness Terror.

SS DOOMTROOPER (2006) *

Corin Nemec rounds up a bunch of military prisoners for a top secret mission behind enemy lines.  If they can complete the mission, they’ll be given a full pardon.  Don’t worry, this isn’t a remake of The Dirty Dozen, it’s just a dumb as Hell SyFy Channel Original. 

 

The mission in question has Nemec and his men trying to blow up a Nazi fortress which contains a mad scientist lab where Ben Cross (of Chariots of Fire and Species 4 fame) has turned an Aryan recruit into a genetically enhanced super-soldier.  Nemec and company eventually teams up with the French Resistance (all of whom sport hilariously bad accents) to take down the Uber Soldier.

 

The effects in this movie are straight-up horrible.  Seriously, these are some of the worst I’ve ever seen on The SyFy Channel and that’s really saying something.  The Doomtrooper himself looks like an end level boss from Streets of Rage.  That’s right folks; while most SyFy Channel monsters look like they came out of a Sega Dreamcast game, this one looks like a refugee from a Genesis game.

 

The flick’s lame attempts at humor don’t even work.  Like when Corin Nemec lines up his men and has them say their name.  One dude steps up and says his name is “Parker Lewis” and Nemec gives the audience a little look.  I guess in a better movie, this little in-joke could’ve been funny but it sticks out like a sore thumb here.

 

16 Bit monsters and lame jokes aside, this movie is the pits.  How bad is it?  Well, it doesn’t even trust it’s audience enough to know what the word “regeneration” means.  After the Frenchie chick tells the American soldiers that the Doomtrooper has the power of the regeneration, she feels the need to add afterwards, “It can heal itself!”  In the spirit of that bit of crappy screenwriting, I’ll conclude this review by saying that SS Doomtrooper sucks.  It’s really bad.

 

AKA:  Cyborg Soldier.