December 30th, 2010

BAD GIRLS FROM MARS (1991) ***

A masked killer is stalking and killing the actresses of the titular low budget sci-fi skin flick.  The sleazy producers decide to replace the latest dead actress with a notorious hooker-turned-author named Emmanuelle (Edy Williams).  They know if she gets killed too, they can just collect the insurance money.  Naturally, Emmanuelle has a history with the killer, which might give her an advantage to stay alive.

 

At first, I was disappointed that Bad Girls from Mars was actually not about Bad Girls from Mars, but the making of said film.  My disappointment soon dissipated once chicks started popping their tops.  Seriously, there’s a big old healthy set of boobs on display just about every five minutes in this movie.  With that kind of breast exposure, the flick could’ve been a documentary about shoelace making and I would’ve been glued to my seat.

 

The acting is also pretty good.  Williams has done everything from Russ Meyer movies to straight-up porn and she shows a flair for comic timing here.  I’m not saying she’s the screen’s funniest comedienne, but her breathless line readings of such dialogue as “The smell of garbage turns me into a wild woman!” sure made me laugh.  The flick also stars Brinke Stevens (who gets naked too) and Ray regular Jay Richardson (who fortunately doesn’t); both of whom are pretty funny.

 

This flick was directed by Fred Olen Ray.  That already tells you everything you need to know about the movie.  It’s no Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers to be sure, but Ray gives us enough tits and funny quips to keep you amused.

 

The best line of the movie comes from the film-within-a-film when a Martian chick says, “There is no room on Mars for limp dicks!”

ONE EYED MONSTER (2009) **

Legendary porn stars Ron Jeremy and Veronica Hart go to a snowbound cabin in the woods to make a porno with a bunch of amateurs.  During filming, an alien possesses Ron’s dick and detaches itself from his body.  Before long, the psychotic pecker goes around killing the bodacious babes in the cast.  It’s up to the surviving members of the crew to come up with a plan to kill the extraterrestrial Johnson.

 

One Eyed Monster has a great premise but unfortunately the flick is more clever than laugh out loud funny.  It’s also curiously low on tits (only one pair) and gore (a guy gets cut in half) too.  For a truly memorable killer cock movie, you should check out Bad Biology instead. 

 

The best thing I can say about One Eyed Monster is that Jeremy and Hart (who is still looking fucking fine) give really terrific performances.  They get a couple good scenes together and have touching monologues where they reminisce about the golden age of porn and bemoan the new era of fuck flicks.  Sad to say, Jeremy disappears fairly early on and Hart spends a lot of the movie passed out.

 

Incidentally, this is the second movie about the making of a movie starring an actor from Beyond the Valley of the Dolls I’ve watched in a row.  In this case, One Eyed Monster has the great Charles Napier as the Nam vet who knows how to dispose of a disembodied dick.  He also gets the best line of the movie when he says, “Circumcise it into oblivion!”

 

AKA:  Porn Horror Movie.

HONEY (1981) **

No, this isn’t that Jessica Alba/Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott crap.  This is crap from an entirely different goose.  It’s actually a pretty dull Eye-Talian sex flick.

 

A hot chick enters a movie producer’s house and forces him to read her new script at gunpoint.  The script is all about a chick going to stay with a rich MILF at her mansion.  After unpacking, she takes a bath and gets all touchy feely with the MILF (who kinda looks like a slightly less crazy version of Sean Young with Anna Nicole Smith’s tits).  She then spends the next hour or so of the movie wandering around the house and watching various people get it on.

 

Even though Honey features scads of TAB (that’s Tits, Ass, and Bush), that doesn’t exactly make up for how boring it is.  This flick put me to sleep pretty quickly and it took two sittings to get all the way through it.  It also doesn’t help that a lot of the film doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  Sure, the “twist” ending clears things up eventually, but it’s a long time coming.

 

Speaking of *cough* *cough* coming, I will say that there is one pretty hot scene where our heroine walks in on a dominatrix who makes her get on all fours and “confess her sins”.  I’ll admit this scene gave me a bulge in my boxers, big time.  So for that and that alone, Honey gets Two Stars from me.