February 7th, 2012

SKINAMAX-A-PALOOZA: KAMA SUTRA DOUBLE FEATURE

KAMA SUTRA: A TALE OF LOVE (1997) * ½

In 16th century India, these two dames take belly dancing classes for about 18 years before one of them gets married off to the king played by the nut cutter from Grindhouse. Of course she doesn’t know how to get it on properly so the royal court hires her friend to be her husband’s mistress. This doesn’t exactly work wonders for the gals’ relationship. Things get further complicated when the king’s buddy falls in love with the mistress, which leads to the king to start smoking a mess of opium and generally acting like an idiot.

The thing that really pissed me off about Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love was that everyone in the film spoke in hushed tones so you couldn’t hear a goddamned thing they were saying. What’s a guy to do, but turn up the volume? Of course, when I did that, then a mess of Bollywood music comes blaring through the TV and about blew my out speakers.

Not that I missed much plot by not hearing the dialogue. You can pretty much tell where this movie is headed from the get-go. On top of that, the film’s overly simple premise is stretched out way too long.

And for a movie called Kama Sutra, there isn’t a whole lot of Kama Sutra-ing going on. I know in that book there’s probably a hundred or so ways to do it, but you’d never know it from watching this flick. We only see about 3 or 4 different positions throughout the film, and none of them are really the best representations of what the book has to offer.

Overall, there are only five paltry sex scenes. We get four Guy on Girl scenes, and one Girl on Girl scene. Since the flick runs a laborious 114 minutes; that means we only get a sex scene every 23 minutes.

For the most part, Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love is boring and dull. Near the end though it tries to make up for that shit by showing us a severed head and a cool scene where an elephant crushes a dude. And you’d think a movie that features an opium-fueled knife fight would be kickass, but that’s not the case here.

When they say the book is better, they mean it.

TALES OF THE KAMA SUTRA 2: MONSOON (2001) *

When you do a month long look at Skinamax films, inevitably you’re going to wind up talking about Jag Mundhra. Jag was a guy who specialized in the art of Skinamax in the 90’s. Remember Last Call and Night Eyes? That was Jag. Sadly, Tales of the Kama Sutra 2: Monsoon (which for the sake of clarification is NOT a sequel to Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love) is not Jag’s finest hour and a half.

Richard (Three O’ Clock High) Tyson goes to India for a vacation with his hot fiancée. There he falls in love with a local girl and discovers they are the reincarnations of doomed lovers from the 16th century. Meanwhile an Interpol agent (Matt McCoy) posing as a priest tries to bring down a big time drug cartel, who just so happens to be the husband of Tyson’s reincarnated love.

I never saw the first Tales of the Kama Sutra so I don’t know how much this has to do with that one. For all I know it could’ve been one of those Bordello of Blood deals where they make different movies every couple of years under the Tales of the Kama Sutra banner. All I know is, it’s probably one of the worst Skinamax movies I’ve ever seen.

In fact, this is a bait and switch Skinamax movie. They put the words “Kama Sutra” in the title, yet there is scant sex in this flick. Throughout its 96 minute running time, there is only two (TWO) lousy sex scenes; both of them Guy on Girl. That means there’s a sex scene every 48 minutes. Folks, there are Disney movies with more sex than this flick.

If the film stuck to the whole “reincarnated lovers” thing, it would’ve worked. Unfortunately, there’s way too much side business marring the plot and too much rigmarole involving the local crime baron who’s smuggling drugs inside of fish. Seriously, don’t go into this movie thinking you’re gonna be learning some hot sex moves because you’ll be setting yourself up for complete and utter disappointment.

At least the flick contains a handful of unintentional laughs to make it somewhat bearable. I have to admit the flashback/reincarnation scenes of Tyson dressed as a swarthy Portuguese pirate had me chuckling, and his idea of a pick-up line was hilarious. (“Your face haunts me!”) And there’s also a random ass Ninja attack in there, so it’s not a total loss or anything.

AKA: Monsoon.