February 17th, 2012

SKINAMAX-A-PALOOZA: BEVERLY LYNNE DOUBLE FEATURE

What would Skinamax-A-Palooza be if we didn’t feature a couple of films from the reigning queen of late night cable, Beverly Lynne? Ms. Lynne is not only one of the hottest ladies in Skinamax history; she’s also one of the most prolific. If you’ve ever watched Skinamax at 1:30 AM in the past decade, chances are, you’ve seen Beverly doing what she does best…

SECRET LIVES (2010) **

A hot model gets murdered and a dull ass detective investigates. His sexy girlfriend (played by the sexy Beverly Lynne), who used to be a former model herself now makes her living as a lawyer. She uses her modeling contacts to help her boy toy find the murderer.

Secret Lives is another boring detective skin flick from Mainline Releasing. While it dutifully follows the basic formula of dozens of other Mainline films (the detective goes around asking people questions and they tell him a story, which results in a sex-filled flashback); Secret Lives fails to bring anything new to the table. I guess it really wouldn’t matter if the softcore sex scenes were any good, but they’re all pretty tepid for the most part. Although the one blonde model chick had a couple of nice moments, the rest of the sex scenes are rather uninspired and mechanical. Overall, we get seven Guy on Girl scenes and since the flick runs just shy of 80 minutes; that means we get a sex scene about every 11 minutes.

Look, I like Beverly Lynne as much as the next guy, but this was definitely one of her lesser outings. To make matters worse, her short hairdo wasn’t doing her any favors either. Her figure was just as fine as ever, but despite that, Secret Lives is forgettable through and through.

HAUNTING DESIRES (2006) ** ½

Beverly Lynne stars as a sexy reporter investigating a murder. Jay Richardson is the detective reluctantly helping her on the case. She does some snooping around a strip club owned by Evan Stone and before long; Beverly discovers that all the dancers are vampires. And naturally Stone has his eye on making her a creature of the night.

Richardson is as fun to watch as ever and Lynne is lovely as usual, yet the movie itself suffers from the same Been There Done That déjà vu that plagues a lot of these Fred Olen Ray directed Skinamax flicks. (The film has virtually the same plot as Ray’s much better Lust at First Bite.) On top of that, the dialogue scenes are mostly dull and not quite as funny as you’d expect.

Still, no one really cares about that shit. What we want is sex, sex, sex. How does Haunting Desires stack up in that department? Well, it’s more than a bit uneven. I will say that I kinda dug the Eyes Wide Shut style sex show and the lesbian S & M scene was pretty decent too (although it never quite got rough enough for me).

Haunting Desires clocks in at 86 minutes. In that amount of time we get: five Guy on Girl scenes, one One Guy on Two Girls scene, one Girl on Girl S & M scene, and three Striptease scenes. That means we get a sex scene about every 8 ½ minutes; which really isn’t a bad average considering some of the other Skinamax flicks I’ve covered this month.

On the horror side of things (not that you care about the horror side of things), we get a not-bad CGI bat transformation, an OK CGI vampire turning to dust scene, and a couple of CGI skeletons too. And believe it or not, these effects are certainly better than your usual late night cable fare. (Then again if you go into a Fred Olen Ray Skinamax movie looking for good effects, you should probably have your head examined.)

According to IMDB, this is Jay Richardson’s last role to date. I hope he hasn’t retired because I really love that guy. Jay, if you’re out there; come back to us. We miss you.