February 16th, 2013

SKINAMAX-A-PALOOZA: MAINLINE RELEASING TRIPLE FEATURE

BIRTHDAY SEX (2012) **

On Amber Rayne’s 25th birthday, her boyfriend surprises her with some sex. She’s also expecting a ring and when he doesn’t give her one, she calls off their relationship. She then goes out looking for a man who can give her what she wants. Meanwhile, her friends all bang various dudes.

Mainline Releasing is the king of mediocre Skinamax entertainment. And “mediocre” perfectly sums Birthday Sex up. It has just enough plot to get you from one sex scene to the other, but the sex scenes themselves aren’t very hot and most of them go on far too long. All in all, there are eight Guy on Girl scenes throughout the film’s 81 minute running time, which makes for an OK average of one sex scene every ten minutes.

It also doesn't help that most of the girls are kinda rough looking. And most of them look like borderline anorexics. Easily the hottest girl in the cast is Misty Anderson, who plays Amber’s bitchy roommate. Anderson is the sole performer who brings any energy to her sex scenes and the scene where she seduces her yoga instructor is the only memorable one in the bunch.

The sex scenes are also mostly relationship-based, which kinda stinks. Since the majority of the scenes are between loving couples, they lack the steaminess you’d expect from Skinamax movie. But if you have a thing for au natural girls, you may enjoy this just for the sheer lack of silicone in the performers.

Best line: “You think monogamy is something furniture is made out of!”

EROTIC KARMA (2012) **

The ghost of a devious professor possesses his rival and sets out seducing the student body. His teacher aides suspect something is off about him and they investigate. Meanwhile, the professor’s ghosts hops from body to body having sex with anyone he can get his hands on. The students eventually use a magic amulet to stop the body swapping spirit and save the day.

I pretty much just watched Erotic Karma just because India Summer was in it. Ms. Summer is fast becoming one of my favorite Skinamax mainstays. Because of my love for India, I went a little easy on this one. She’s hot as ever in this and her sex scenes are pretty steamy.

The rest of the sex scenes aren’t nearly as good and go on way too long. During the 80 minute running time there are eight sex scenes; all of which are Guy on Girl match-ups. And because of the lack variety, I felt a bit disappointed. I mean I really would’ve loved to see Summer in a Girl on Girl scene, but I guess it just wasn’t in the cards. There is one potentially potent scene where the ghost hops inside the body of a chick, but it’s all set-up and no payoff. Likewise, the film itself gets off to a promising start, yet it fizzles out long before it reaches its conclusion.

SEX TAPES (2012) **

Three couples gather together for a relaxing weekend. One guy keeps a secret collection of DVDs which feature all of the couples on film having sex. When one of the couples asks him to destroy the tapes, he’s shocked to learn that they have been stolen. They then must figure out who stole their sex tapes and why.

The same complaints I had about the two previous Mainline Releasing films holds true with Sex Tapes. The sex scenes go on far too long and feature absolutely no lesbian action. Stars Chanel Preston and Charmane Star are hot, but for the most part, their sex scenes are pretty lukewarm. Chanel is the standout here and I hope she has a long career as a Skinamax siren.

I do have to say that when I first saw the title “Sex Tapes” I thought it was going to be filled with a bunch of shot-on-video and/or camera POV nonsense. Thankfully, it’s just your average Skinamax flick. Make that, below average Skinamax flick.

The film clocks in at 83 minutes. In that time there are nine sex scenes: eight Guy on Girl scenes, and one Orgy scene. Even though that means we’re getting a sex scene about every nine minutes, none of them are particularly memorable. These Sex Tapes definitely aren’t worth keeping in your collection.

AVENGING ANGEL (1985) ***

Avenging Angel is a typical ‘80s sequel. You get MORE of the stuff the first Angel movie gave you, except it’s not quite as original or fresh (or good). There’s also more action and the requisite Out for Revenge plot, yet there is an overall feeling of déjà vu.

Betsy Russell stars this time as Angel, the former honor student turned hooker. She’s now graduated high school and is enrolled in law school. When the detective who helped her get off the streets is murdered, Angel returns to the seedy Hollywood Boulevard to find the killer.

Part of what makes Avenging Angel fun to watch is the presence of Betsy Russell. I have nothing against Donna Wilkes, who was great in the first film, but Betsy’s Angel is a lot tougher and sexier. Unfortunately, she doesn’t take off her top like she did in Private School, but she does look pretty badass while blowing people away.

Most of the terrific supporting cast from the original film returns. Rory Calhoun is a hoot and a holler as Kit Carson, the street performer cowboy. And Susan Tyrell is a trip as always as Solly. One new character that gets a lot of laughs is Johnny Sparkles, a glitter tossing street performer. Ross Hagen is also very good as the hitman who guns down Angel’s pal.

The action scenes are solid through and through in Avenging Angel, but the ending is something else. The villain kidnaps a baby and heads into the Bradbury Building. He goes up to the top floor and threatens to throw the kid off. This scene would be downright objectionable if it wasn’t for the hilarious editing. It’s hard to tell what is going on and the shots of the baby falling are unbelievable. (They just turned the baby upside down to make him look like he was falling.) Also, the baby lets out this sound when it falls that makes it sound like it’s shitting itself. It totally takes you out of the scene and puts you in the floor in laughter. I remember watching this back in the day with a friend and we rewound this scene over and over again just to hear that sound. It’s hilarious.

So overall, Avenging Angel delivers the goods. Sure, it’s a bit derivative, but it gives you everything you could hope for from an Angel sequel. It also gives you one of the funniest endings you’ll ever see.

Russell did not return for Angel 3 or 4, but she did do a shitload of Saw sequels.