TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) * ½
After three shitty Transformers movies, Americans say enough is enough, and vote to make Transformers illegal. That means Optimus Prime has to leave Shia LaBeouf and hide out in truck form in an abandoned movie theater in Texas. Of course, tinkerer Marky Mark finds him and gets him up and running again, which gets evil black ops guy Kelsey Grammer’s panties in a bunch. As it turns out, Grammer is in cahoots with Stanely Tucci. Grammer is in charge of catching and killing Transformers and grinding them into tiny pieces so Tucci can make his own Transformers. Of course, they used Megatron’s remains to make their latest Transformer, and he is reborn as the villainous Galvatron. Oh, and some Robot Dinosaurs show up.
Let me get this out of the way really quickly. Transformers: Age of Extinction is the best film so far in the franchise. Part of the reason is Marky Mark. I liked his character a lot, and while he does and says some dumb things, he’s miles better than Shia LeBeouf.
After I saw Pain and Gain (one of my favorite movies of last year), I thought I would give Michael Bay and his Transformers another chance. The fact that Pain and Gain’s Marky Mark was the star, made me actually want to see it. Somehow, Bay still manages to screw this up. I’m sorry. Why would you go through all that trouble to put Marky Mark in a Transformers movie and then not let him sing “The Touch” just like he did in Boogie Nights? It kind of defeats the purpose of putting Marky Mark in a Transformers movie, doesn’t it?
At the very least he could’ve thrown in a nod to the Andy Samberg sketch on Saturday Night Live and have Marky Mark say, “Hey, Optimus. What’s up? How you doing? Say hello to your mother for me.”
I did enjoy the early scenes of the film. I liked the interaction between Marky Mark and his family and friends. I dug the scenes in the rundown old movie theater. (Richard Riehle was a hoot as the “senile” owner.) There was also a scene where a speeding car hits a dude in the face in slow motion. I mean when’s the last time you saw THAT in a movie?
Once Marky Mark teams up with Optimus, it’s all downhill though. Battle fatigue really starts to set in once Marky Mark breaks into a spaceship to rescue Optimus, and from there the whole thing unravels at a rapid pace. In fact, had the film climaxed with Optimus being rescued, it would’ve been OK. However, the film continues unnecessarily on for another hour or so afterwards.
It feels like they had two scripts and shoehorned them together. The one plot has Marky Mark finding and repairing Optimus and being on the run from Kelsey Grammer. The other, less successful plot involves Stanley Tucci accidentally reviving Megatron. One of these would’ve sufficed. Unfortunately, Bay crams them all into one nearly three hour (!!!) movie. And if the narrative wasn’t already clogged up enough, just for shits and giggles, he tosses in Robot Dinosaurs in there at the eleventh hour.
This is where Bay really drops the ball. The film opens with a great bit with aliens wiping out the dinosaurs, but the big Dino-Bot reveal is a long time coming and frankly, underwhelming and lame. Once the initial “…cool” factor of seeing a fire-breathing robot dinosaur wears off, not much happens. They aren’t utilized particularly well and are essentially window dressing in the final fight.
Speaking of the final fight, it’s kinda lame. Optimus’ big battle is with the bounty hunter villain and it’s pretty weak. Meanwhile, Galvatron gets away and sets up another sequel in the process. This was another unforgiveable botch. They spend so much time setting him up as the villain and he only gets into one minor fistfight with Prime before getting away Scot free. That’s pretty bogus if you ask me.
I will say that Grammer made for a formidable human villain. I didn’t know Frasier could be such a badass. I’m definitely looking forward to seeing him in Expendables 3. Stanley Tucci starts off like an intriguing mix of Steve Jobs and your typical slimy movie villain, but his character soon becomes a bumbling John Turturro stand-in and he winds up embarrassing himself.
The thing that really takes the wind out of the movie’s sails is the third act, which takes place in China. There’s really no reason for the abrupt change of setting, except… you know… to pander to the Chinese market. It’s so blatant that it basically pulls you out of the movie.
I will give Bay credit for at least trying to keep all of his Bay-centric idiocy to a minimum. Gone are the Amos and Andy robots, the humping dogs, and the pot brownie-eating parents. I appreciated the stripped down approach. That doesn’t exactly mean it’s good or anything.