October 21st, 2014

MULVA: ZOMBIE ASS KICKER (2001) * ½

When I was a teenager, my friends and I would make horror movies using my dad’s video camera. If the quality of Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker is any indication I probably could’ve released those films on DVD. Mulva has the same shot-in-my-parents’-house look that my old movies had, except with better gore and worse acting.

Mulva (Missy Donatuti) is a chocolate addict (she drinks Hershey’s syrup right out of the bottle) who is afraid of Halloween. This year, she finally gets up the courage to go out trick or treating (dressed as Egon from Ghostbusters) at the age of 23. Mulva and her friends are soon attacked by zombies, and she decides nothing is going to stand in the way of her and her candy.

I don’t know how it was possible, but director Chris (Terror at Blood Fart Lake) Seaver (who also appears in blackface… don’t ask) was somehow able to convince Debbie Rochon and Lloyd Kaufman to be in this. Debbie (playing a bizarre wife handing out Halloween candy) isn’t given anything worthwhile to do, but at least she looks pretty hot.

Donatuti on the other hand is pretty unbearable as the annoying Mulva. This is the kind of character that would’ve been funny if you were drunk at a party and someone started talking like that for a laugh. Two minutes later, it would’ve lost its charm. Watching a movie based around this character is an entirely different matter. The plus side is that the flick is only an hour long, but boy is it ever a long hour.

Most of the gore is OK. Because of that, I can’t completely hate the movie. I also thought the one character whose voice is poorly dubbed (on purpose) was kind of funny. Other than that, Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker is about on par with other bad no-budget shot-on-video horror flicks I’ve sat through.

FILTHY MCNASTY (2002) **

Debbie Rochon and Miss Kitty are two nerdy chicks who are tired of being unpopular. They make a deal with a demon named Filthy McNasty (a guy in a bad Halloween mask) to turn them into smoking hot babes. The duo then goes to a party to show off their new sexy look. Meanwhile, Filthy crashes the party and starts offing the partygoers. It’s then up to Debbie and Kitty to put a stop to him.

Filthy McNasty is moderately more entertaining than director Chris Seaver’s Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker. There are actually a couple of laugh out loud jokes in this one (I liked the bit involving the Mario Van Pebbles cereal), but many of them are still pretty crude and tasteless (like the masturbation-with-shit scene). While the humor is marginally more successful, the video cinematography is even worse than in Mulva. The flick is often too dark, which is a shame, especially when it comes to showcasing Rochon and Miss Kitty’s sexy assets.

Thankfully, the whole thing is only 45 minutes long. I don’t know if I could’ve taken a feature length version of this, but at this length it’s tolerable enough. While “tolerable enough” isn’t exactly a sterling recommendation, if you’ve seen as many bad shot-on-video horror movies as I have, you learn to appreciate one that can actually make you laugh (albeit infrequently).

Rochon gets the best line of the movie when she sells her soul and says, “We don’t have to drink the semen of John Stamos, do we?”

LINK (1986) * ½

Elizabeth Shue stars as an American college student who goes to England to be an assistant to professor Terence Stamp. He lives in a mansion with three chimps. Voodoo and Imp are his test subjects and Link is his dutiful and super-smart (not to mention super-strong) butler. When Stamp mysteriously disappears, Shue finds herself all alone in a big house with a potentially homicidal chimp on her hands.

Link has an unlikely premise, and Richard (Psycho 2) Franklin directs the film in a rather frustrating manner. He gives the suspense scenes a weirdly whimsical feeling (a point that’s hammered home by an oddly out-of-whack score by Jerry Goldsmith), which doesn’t work at all. His style usually evokes Hitchcock, but for the most part, this just feels like a bad made for TV movie. Although Franklin delivers a decent scene every once in a while (like when Link kills a guard dog), it’s more of the exception than the rule. Franklin’s overuse of slow motion during the chimp POV shots is also pretty annoying and further dilutes any potential suspense from the film.

I’m usually a fan of Terence Stamp, but his performance is just too aloof and droll to garner much sympathy for him. Shue does a good job in the damsel in distress role though and has some nice moments with the chimps. However, she can’t singlehandedly save this dull, dreary, and overlong flick.