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March 27th, 2017

CALIGULA 2: THE UNTOLD STORY (1982) ***

I know what you’re thinking. Caligula had just about every kind of debauchery known to man. Now along comes Caligula 2: The “Untold” Story. How much more of the story is left to tell?

As it turns out, quite a bit.

Actually, Caligula 2 isn’t really a sequel, but rather a pretty good rip-off. In fact, I think it’s a lot better than the original. It’s definitely one of Joe D'Amato’s sleaziest efforts. If you’ve ever seen a Joe D’Amato movie, you know that’s really saying something.

David Cain Haughton (who was also in D’Amato’s Cave Dwellers) stars as Caligula. While Malcolm McDowell is clearly the better actor, he does an admirable job filling his shoes. He has a knack for really getting into all the assorted disgusting stuff that the character does. I liked the scene where he catches a would-be assassin and orders to have his tongue cut out. He also has the tendons in his arms and legs sliced so he can’t run away. To add insult to injury, Caligula keeps the guy around the palace so he can mock him.

Haughton’s Caligula isn’t an entirely bad guy though. In one scene, he gets one of his wenches to jerk the dude off. I mean, he knows that the assassin’s arms don’t work anymore. So it was nice of Caligula to make the girl lend him a hand. (No pun intended.)

This Caligula is tough, but fair.

The one and only Laura Gemser is the slave girl who wants to get revenge on Caligula. She takes her time to let him notice her, become attracted to her, and eventually invite her into his bed. The funny thing is that he bones her so good that she can’t bear to go through with killing him!

The centerpiece of the film is the long orgy scene that occurs halfway through. It’s rather mind-blowing and it even manages to top the one from the original. Folks, I didn’t think that was possible, but it’s true. Women have sex with dwarves, guys vomit all over the place, and a chick jerks off a horse. I know what you're thinking. It can't possibly measure up to the horse jerking scene in Emanuelle in America. Well, this time the girl in question actually gets mounted by the horse! Thank God that isn't shown, but all the jerking is, and in full detail too.

That’s not all though. Caligula orders virgins to be stuffed with dildos, he rapes and kills, and he even beats a baby to death. Just when you think it can’t get any worse, Caligula ties some guys up and forces rods up their asses till it comes out their chest.

Despite the overall wackness of the proceedings, the film really goes off the rails after the orgy scene. The last half hour is marred by a lot of soap opera stuff with Haughton and Gemser. The repetitive dream sequences further hampers the pacing and adds to the already bloated running time. Still, it’s better than the first one and is easily the second best horse jerk-off movie D’Amato and Gemser ever made. Praise doesn’t come much higher than that.

AKA: The Emperor Caligula: The Untold Story. AKA: Caligula: The Untold Story. AKA: Caligula 2: The Forbidden Story. AKA: Emperor Caligula: Garden of Taboo.

I love Kung Fu films. I love movie trailer compilations. As such, I was a big fan of Kung Fu Trailers of Fury. Unfortunately, this sequel left me kind of cold. While there are some bright spots here and there, it’s just a tad too repetitive for its own good.

I appreciate that they have included a lot of trailers for obscure movies (although I've seen many of the ones featured). However from the evidence presented here, they're obscure for a reason. I'm not saying you need a good movie to make a good trailer. Far from it. It's just that each trailer is often edited, narrated and structured in a nearly identical fashion, which makes it difficult to enjoy. (Almost all of them advertise "new stances".) They really start blurring together after a while.

It also doesn’t help that all the movies have nearly identical plots. (They’re all historical and/or period Kung Fu flicks.) It’s not until the 80 minute mark when we finally get one that takes place in modern times. Even those trailers are short lived as the film goes back to the same old stuff shortly thereafter.

The trailers that really stick out are ones that stray from the formula. Like The Story of Chinese Gods. Now, I’ve seen the film and I can attest that it is indeed terrible. However, because it’s an animated movie, the trailer at the very least is memorable.

Another debit is the fact that all of the trailers are foreign language. Some will enjoy that, but I thought it was kind of a rip-off. I mean, part of the fun of the genre is the bad dubbing. You get none of that this time around. Another problem with the trailers being entirely in a foreign language is that you don't get to hear the great trailer narration from raspy voiced announcers, which are the hallmark of trailer compilations.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I have to say there are a handful of solid trailers here. The ones for Thunderbolt, Yellow Faced Tiger, Bruce and the Iron Finger, and The Instant Kung Fu Man are pretty good. I also enjoyed seeing the few romantic comedy trailers, if only because it broke up a bit of the monotony.

At 133 minutes, it’s a bit of a chore to get through in one sitting. I had to break it up into two viewings. Even then, it was all still a bit numbing. It’s not bad or anything, it’s just not nearly as fun as the original (or even Fists of Fury, Full Moon’s Kung Fu compilation). I’ll probably still pick up Part 3, if they ever get around to making it. Hopefully next time they’ll pick some trailers that have a bit more variety to them.

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