The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

THE GREATEST MOVIES IN THE HISTORY OF THE HUMAN RACE: TROLL 2 (1990) ****

One of the greatest things to come out of the 80’s was the invention of the direct to video sequel, movies made quickly and cheaply to capitalize on the success of a movie that more often than not made more money on video than in theaters. These movies were denied the benefit of a theatrical release and sent straight to your local video store. After these flicks made a buck or two, many other marginally successful horror flicks began rifling off sequels at a steady clip until video store owners were up to their armpits with horror movies that ended in 2. (Remember 976-EVIL 2? Didn’t think so).

The best of the bunch were the unrelated sequels, movies that were made (sometimes BEFORE the original) that have a slim resemblance to another more popular movie and probably would have remained unreleased had it not been for some genius who re-titled it and slapped a 2 on the end of it to make it part of a “series”. The best example of this is The Howling series. (Basically if you made a crappy low budget werewolf movie in the 80’s, inevitably it was going to wind up as a Howling sequel).

Of this bottom of the barrel movie making process, Troll 2 is the Gone with the Wind of all unrelated direct to video sequels. In the original Troll, an apartment complex was terrorized by a malicious munchkin who turned the tenants into seedlings which when hatched became trolls themselves. It’s probably best remembered as the movie in which Sonny Bono gets turned into a slimy cocoon.

Troll 2 on the other hand has nothing to do with Troll.

It has everything to do with midgets running around in dime store Halloween masks.

Hey you pays your moneys you get what you pays for.

In a direct rip-off to The Princess Bride, the opening scene has kindly old Grandpa Seth (who must be Burl Ives long lost brother) reading his grandson Joshua a story about a boy named Peter who is chased by “Cruel deformed forest dwellers. Spiteful and impotent; vengeful and evil goblins!”

That’s right you heard the man: GOBLINS! There are ZERO trolls in this movie! No one even mentions the word TROLL in this flick, AND IT’S CALLED TROLL 2! Brilliant!

Grandpa Seth tells Joshua: “Goblins don’t need to justify their cruel acts”, and then during the opening credits the trolls… err… goblins chase Peter through the forest. After the credits, Peter faints and awakens to find a beautiful girl with painted-on freckles who offers him “a strange concoction” (it looks like potato salad dyed green). He eats it, but it’s a trick! She’s actually a goblin! “Those evil creatures can transform themselves into flesh and blood people!” A notably concerned Joshua asks, “What kind of fairy tale is this?” Then Grandpa starts getting creepy.

“Goblins still exist! Your Grandpa Seth is telling you!”

He continues with the story and tells Joshua that after Peter ate the concoction, he felt ill and started sweating “chlorophyll green”! Peter turns into “half man, half plant. The goblins favorite food”!

“Don’t tell me they ate him Grandpa!”

Grandpa snaps, “That’s exactly what happened! With a ferocity that has no equal on Earth.”

Then Joshua’s mom burst in and demands to know what’s going on, and Grandpa Seth disappears! Joshua tells her that Grandpa was really there reading him a story and she thoughtfully reminds him that Grandpa Seth has been dead for six months! (This kid was seeing dead people long before Haley Joel Osmet was. I wonder if M. Night Shymalan saw this…).

Mom tells Joshua, “Grandpa Seth will remain in our hearts, but you must banish him from your mind!” Before she tucks him in he asks her if goblins exist and she says no.

Cue up the scene in which Joshua’s sister Holly works out to a frenzied 80’s drum beat.

Mom, Diana goes into the bedroom where her husband Michael Waite is making arrangements for their vacation in the village of Nilbog where they will be swapping homes with a family there for the week (kinda like a foreign exchange student I guess). “Just think we will be living like our ancestors did. We’ll be peasants and farmers!”

Meanwhile, Holly’s boyfriend Elliott sneaks into her room and scares her so she kicks him in the balls. “Are you nuts? Are you trying to turn me into a homo?” As his buddies ogle at them through the window she tells him that her and her family are going to vacation in Nilbog, “a wonderful half empty town”, and invites him along as long as he doesn’t bring “his boys”.

The next day Elliott doesn’t show up and the Waite’s leave for Nilbog without him. Michael and Holly argue about him in the car, so Diane, sensing everyone is tense has Joshua sing “Row, Row Your Boat” to calm everyone’s nerves. (Actually Elliott is close behind in his Winnebago, unfortunately he brought “his boys” with him.)

Joshua awakens from a dream and starts sweating chlorophyll green and has little branches coming out of his fingers. His family turns into goblins. “Stop the car, Joshua’s ready to be eaten!” But he wakes up and it was all a dream. He sees Grandpa Seth on the side of the road holding a sign that says “Stop Them” so he tells his dad to pull over. Joshua jumps out of the car and runs over to his Grandpa, who tells him to go home. “This is a bad place little one, it even gives ME the creeps!” When his parents come to get him, Grandpa Seth has turned into an old bum. They grab Joshua and quickly head to Nilbog.

They finally arrive there and the place is empty. “This is a farming community. Remember, this time of night everyone goes to sleep.” (Though it’s clearly the middle of the afternoon!) They meet the family they are going to switch houses with, the Present’s, whose son gives Joshua a baseball that has “Eat before we eat you” scrawled on it in green stuff. They go inside to inspect their new home. They find that the Present’s have left them food on the table. “Typical country hospitality! Let’s dig in!”

As they sit down, Grandpa Seth warns Joshua, “Don’t let them eat. For the love of God, don’t let them eat! If they eat, they’ll come to the same end as Peter in the story!” Grandpa Seth magically stops time for thirty seconds to give Joshua a plan.

His plan? Piss on all the food!

His father understandably upset, punishes him and tells him, “You can’t piss on hospitality!”

Back at Elliott’s Winnebago, one of his boys, Arnold goes out for a smoke where he sees a hot babe running through the woods. He chases after her and they are soon surrounded by goblins. “What are they?” he asks.

She answers, “Monsters! What do you want from me?”

Arnold tries to reason with the beasts. “Let me give you some advice you little dwarves. Get outta here or you’re gonna be in a lot of trouble!” The goblins confer (they sound like Ewoks) and respond by throwing a big spear into his shoulder. Arnold and the girl run away to an abandoned church inhabited by one Creedence Lenore Gilgood, a chick with pale skin and bad teeth who dresses like Elvira’s stepsister and keeps a rock from Stonehenge in her living room, just cuz. She gives the girl a frothy brew that contains “a concentration of all vegetable properties on Earth!” which promptly makes her sweat chlorophyll green.

Soon she turns into a giant lump of green shit, and Arnold calmly worries “There must be a logical explanation for all of this.”

When she finally reaches the consistency of Lime Jell-O, Creedence announces: “She is one with the vegetable world! She is food for my children!” She rings the dinner bell and the goblins come crawling out of the wood work to eat it up. (Note that their mouths never move when they eat because THEY ARE WEARING FUCKING HALLOWEEN MASKS!)

Arnold knows he is in deep shit. “They are eating her. And then they’re going to eat me. OH MY GODDDDD!”

Cut to yet another scene of Holly dancing to an 80’s drum machine, but this time she is interrupted by the ghost of Grandpa Seth! Holly freaks out, but Joshua knows he was looking for him, and just appeared in the wrong room.

He warns Joshua they all must leave. “It is an evil place. It is the kingdom of the goblins!” Joshua asks him why he doesn’t try warning his parents and Grandpa Seth replies, “Your mother has never taken my advice, that’s why she married that good for nothing!”

Meanwhile, another one of Elliott’s boys, Drew goes jogging into Nilbog to get supplies and is picked up by the Sheriff, Gene Freak (!!!) who gives him a sandwich to eat. He drops him off at the general store where Drew’s conversation with the crazy old proprietor is one of this crazy ass movie’s highlights. Drew asks to buy some coffee and he says, “There’s no coffee here in Nilbog! It’s the devil’s drink!” Instead he gives him some special Nilbog Milk.

Joshua and his dad are also in town to get supplies and Joshua sees the town sign in the rear view mirror and discovers Nilbog spelled backwards is GOBLIN! (Duh!) Joshua races off to investigate and stumbles upon a religious revival in the basement of a rundown warehouse, where the fire and brimstone preacher lectures about the evils of meat. When Joshua is discovered they capture him and try to make him eat a bowl of Nilbog Ice Cream. They all turn into goblins and chant: “Open your mouth my little friend. MMM!”

Joshua’s dad comes in just in time to save him, but unfortunately, the goblins have reverted to human form so he doesn’t believe him when Joshua says “Daddy they’re goblins! Monstrous beings!”

The preacher blows him off, “A bit morbid isn’t he?” He still doesn’t believe they are goblins after Joshua tells him that the have they mark of the goblin (a clover shaped mole), that the Present family is still in town, and that Nilbog is goblin spelled backwards. Joshua’s dad takes him home and the preacher tells the congregation “We need time for some things to happen.” On their way home they run into Elliott who decides to leave his boys behind to stay with Holly.

Meanwhile, Drew finds Arnold who has now turned into a half tree/half man thing and has been put into a pot by Creedence. He tells Arnold, “Don’t fret!” But Creedence knocks Drew out cold.

She brings out a chainsaw and tells Arnold, “You will make a nice milkshake for your friend, but this won’t hurt you. You’ll feel just a little… tickle!” She starts chopping Arnold down and he begins giggling like a schoolgirl. Cut to a shot of Drew being woken up by a whirring blender filled with green slime!

Joshua’s family returns to the house and find the entire population of Nilbog dancing and singing in their living room. Mom is overwhelmed: “They’ve prepared a whole feast!”

The preacher is there too and he likes what he sees. “Dance my children! Dance and eat! EAT!” Joshua yet again tries to warn his family that the townsfolk are goblins, but Dad gets mad and sends him to his room.

The preacher muses, “Children’s fancies. They will pass.”

Joshua runs to the mirror to try to call Grandpa Seth for help, but Creedence appears in the mirror instead. She turns into a troll… err goblin and attacks Joshua. Luckily Grandpa Seth saves him by cutting off its hand with an axe and it jumps back into the mirror. Creedence goes back to her house and sticks her bloody stump into Stonehenge and makes it all better.

Meanwhile Grandpa and Josh load up on Molotov cocktails to take out the goblins, but the preacher grabs the bottle and says, “Go back to your kingdom of shadows old man!” Somehow Grandpa Seth is able to summon lightning and makes it strike the preacher and he goes up like a tiki torch. Everyone runs outside to look at the preacher’s body which is now the charred remains of a goblin!

Dad finally believes Joshua, but it’s too late.

The goblins attack and Dad takes the family inside the house. The Sheriff throws them a sandwich and tells them to eat it or “we’ll be forced to kill you violently!”

The old proprietor of the general store chimes in, “It would be a shame. The blood would mix with the meat and we’d have to put them in vinegar for the whole night!”

The Waite family tries to figure out how to fight the goblin menace so they decide to summon Grandpa by holding a séance.

Meanwhile Creedence has used her magic to turn herself into a hot piece of ass (Nilbog Milk does a body good) and goes out on the town strutting her stuff. She comes across Brant, one of Elliott’s boys and seduces him by doing a sensual dance involving an ear of corn! When he tells her he prefers popcorn she says, “No problem. All we have to do is heat it up!”

And with that you will feel the final remnants of your sanity evaporate as she puts the corn in between their lips and begin to kiss.

Their passion is so hot that it turns the ear of corn into popcorn!

That’s right. It’s that kind of movie folks.

At the séance, Grandpa Seth appears and tells them they must destroy the “Magic Stone” because that’s what gives the goblins their power, but it’s interrupted when the goblins attack. In a hilarious scene, a goblin chases dad up the stairs and when he throws it down the stairs it squeals like a pig!

Meanwhile Joshua is whisked away to the church where Grandpa tells him that only good can defeat the goblins. Back at the house, while the Waites are defending themselves against the goblin onslaught and Elliott, ever the hero says, “Please lets talk about this, we’re all humans!”

Back at the Winnebago, Brent emerges from a sea of popcorn! “No more… no more popcorn!”

Creedence leaves him and calls for the goblins to stop Joshua at the church. They hold him down and try to make him drink some Nilbog Milk but he pulls out the only thing that can defeat them… “A double decker bologna sandwich!” He eats it which totally grosses them out and races over to touch the Magic Stone. When his family comes in he tells them all to touch the stone, which causes Creedence and all her goblin minions to melt into puddles of green ooze.

Now that the goblins have all been destroyed, the family goes home. Mom eats an apple and takes a shower while Joshua goes to his room. When he goes downstairs he finds a ball with green letters that says: “Yummy. Mom is so good.” He finds the goblins eating a green slime smorgasbord that used to be his mother. One of the goblins looks up and asks, “Want some Joshua?”

Unnecessary zoom of Joshua’s screaming face.

Freeze frame.

The End.

Jeepers! This is one crack pipe crazy movie.

Director Drago Floyd is actually Claudio (Monster Dog) Fragasso. Emanuelle herself, Laura Gemser was even the costume designer (aka she shopped at Montgomery Ward). Pour yourself a glass of Nilbog Milk and enjoy!
Tags: .the greatest movies in..., cult, horror, sequel, t
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