The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

THE WITCHES’ MOUNTAIN (1972) *

Patty (Werewolf vs. the Vampire Women) Shepard stars in this dreary Spanish horror movie. In the opening scene a little girl murders a cat then blows herself up. (If you can figure out what the hell this has to do with the rest of the movie, keep it to yourself. I don’t wanna know.) This potentially cool (albeit WTF?) scene is followed by the opening credits, which in turn is followed by the rest of the movie, which in turn is followed by sheer boredom.

The flick centers around a suave (for a crappy 70’s Spanish horror actor I guess) photographer who picks up Shepard while sunbathing. They go out in the country to take some pictures and stay at an inn owned by a wild eyed bald character who looks like Marty Feldman and sounds like Peter Lorre. He warns them not to go to Witches’ Mountain (Would YOU be stupid enough to go to someplace like Witches’ Mountain?) but they go anyway. When their jeep gets stolen they trace it back to an old cabin where an old woman lives. She invites them to spend the night (Look geniuses, if you run into an old woman on WITCHES’ Mountain, smart money says, SHE’S A WITCH!). When they notice an odd all female funeral procession (WITCHES! HELLO!), Mr. Suave Photographer follows them into the mountain where some chained up guy scares him. This is followed by an awkward scene where his Suaveness is attacked by a meowing blonde chick. (Again, like the little girl in the beginning of the movie, I have no idea how this fits in with the rest of the flick. I don’t understand what the chained up guy is doing there, nor do I pretend to believe to know what the fuck is going on with the catwoman. And I haven’t the slightest clue how they are supposed to fit in with the whole witches theme of the movie.) He finally convinces Shepard to get the fuck out of dodge and that night just before they get it on in their tent, they are kidnapped by a coven of witches who look like extras from Manos: The Hands of Fate. The witches perform a Vegas style dance show (No, I’m NOT kidding.) as the old woman prepares to add Shepard to her stable of witches.

A lot of 70’s Spanish horror movies had bad music, but this movie features some of the worst I’ve ever heard, and the awful “eerie” chanting will give you a headache. The film will probably cause you to nod off, but don’t worry because you’ll be wakened by the piercing chants of “EEEEEEEE!” that happen every ten minutes or so. But if you think the music sucks, check out some of the dialogue:

SHEPARD: “How did you know we weren’t married?”

OLD WOMAN: “Because I’m very old.”

ARGH! This movie isn’t a total waste of time. The opening scene is cool, as is the catwoman attack, and the chained up guy made me jump. Pretty much anything that doesn’t have anything to do with WITCHES or MOUNTAINS is alright. Everything else sucks.
Tags: horror, w
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