Well 2007 is in the books and as we look back on the state of cinema I can’t help but to get all choked up. With all the pointless remakes (The Hitcher), lame sequels (Aliens vs. Predator), awful movies based on video games (Bloodrayne 2), shitty musicals (Across the Universe), and over long toy commercials (Transformers), there were enough moments of greatness to warrant 2007 as one of the best years at the movies in a long time. There were great remakes (The Hills Have Eyes 2), superior sequels (28 Weeks Later), entertaining movies based on video games (Resident Evil: Apocalypse), wonderful movies based on comic books (300) and one of the best horror movies released in recent memory (Grindhouse).
Like all years, the film saw it’s share of GOOD Bruce Willis movies (Live Free or Die Hard) and BAD Bruce Willis movies (The Astronaut Farmer) and even bad movies like Smokin’ Aces had the benefit of at least one truly great performance (like Jason Bateman as a transvestite) or as in the case of Eastern Promises, one truly memorable fight scene.
The Oscar Awards were just announced today and pretty soon, I’ll have the Video Vacuum Award nominees up and running. (I’m still waiting to see There Will be Blood before I tally up the final votes), but here’s just a short list of memorable moments from the past year:
Who could forget the flesh falling off of Nicolas Cage’s face before he became a flaming skulled supernatural “Devil’s Bounty Hunter” in Ghost Rider?
How could you let the beached whale scene from
Who could forget the intimacy of the cheek filleting scene from Hannibal Rising?
Let us not forget about Robert Downey, Jr.’s incredible performance as the fidgety, perpetually drunk reporter who is targeted by the Zodiac Killer in Zodiac.
I’m sure the scene where Gerard Butler screamed “This is
Dead Silence showed us all that the killer dummy genre is far from biting the dust.
2007 saw witness of the Greatest Inbred Mutant Cannibal Rapist Movie of the New Millennium: The Hills Have Eyes 2.
I’m sure no one has forgotten the vital cinematic importance of the Let’s Go to the Lobby speed metal opening of Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters.
Nor has anyone likely suppressed the sight of Timothy Dalton’s chin being impaled on a cathedral model in Hot Fuzz.
A show of hands for anyone who let the sight of Spider-Man duking it out with Sandman and Venom in Spider-Man 3 slip from their minds? Didn’t think so.
I think we all look back fondly on Katherine Heigl’s enlarged vaginal cavity in Knocked Up as the perfect form of birth control.
I forgotten everything there was to remember about Music and Lyrics EXCEPT the classic 80’s music video in which Hugh Grant hams it up a la Andrew Ridgely.
Ocean’s Thirteen reminded us all that 13 is better than 12, but not as good as 11.
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer showed us all that in whatever format, the Silver Surfer is a bad mofo.
The ladies may disagree with me on this point, but the men will certainly never forget the final five minutes of Hostel 2, which goes to show you that vengeful teenage girls aren’t the best choice to perform unwanted emergency vasectomies.
Bruce Willis going head to head with a jet plane in Live Free or Die Hard made us all remember that even without hair; Willis is still one of the best action heroes we have in the
With the Writer’s Strike upon us, I guess we will learn to mourn the loss of impeccably written dialogue like “That’s one evil fucking room!” from 1408.
Most of the theater going audience will agree with me when I say that cinema progressed a full step further the day Elisha Cuthbert was forced to shotgun her own poodle at close range in Captivity.
I’m sure we all would like to forget Rob Zombie’s Halloween remake, but then we would be robbed of the sight of Danny Trejo delivering a heartfelt soliloquy before being drowned in an unhygienic sink.
Who could forget Kevin Bacon shaving his head before painting the ghetto red a la Charles Bronson in Death Sentence?
How about Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan making the same movie three times in a row and nobody noticing in Rush Hour 3?
How about Batman fighting Gladiator in the Wild West in the stellar remake of to
I believe Clive Owen touched all our hearts when he dispatched several bad guys by only using a carrot in Shoot ‘Em Up.
If you don’t recognize this dialogue exchange from Resident Evil: Extinction: “What happened to Vegas?” “The desert took it back!”, you clearly did NOT go to the movies ONCE this entire year.
Before Jodie Foster became a card carrying lesbian she was a card carrying vigilante in The Brave One.
The moment that touched all our lives in ’07, of course I’m talking about the scene in DOA: Dead or Alive, where Eric Roberts stole all the fighters’ powers and used it against them, will stay with us forever.
If anything, 2007 gave us the most thorough autopsy examination ever seen on the silver screen in Saw 4.
And thank goodness Owen Wilson didn’t murder himself, because we wouldn’t be able to enjoy the fine work he’s given us in such films like The Darjeeling Limited.
If you’re like me, when you hear the words “Fertilization achieved!” you immediately think Species 4: The Awakening.
Bestiality has always been a taboo subject, but thanks to Zoo, we learned that horse fuckers are people too and we were blessed with such heartstring pulling dialogue like “Maybe I’ll just FEEL the horse’s nuts”.
Thanks to P2, we all go around saying “Way to ruin Christmas asshole!” as easy as breathing.
I think we all agree that CGI was good for SOMETHING when it proved you could actually make Angelina Jolie HOTTER in Beowulf.
The Mist. The Greatest Apocalypse in a Supermarket Movie of 2007. Possibly of all time.
If you think of 2007 and it doesn’t involve Ashley Judd naked screaming “I am the super mother bug!”, then clearly A) you didn’t see Bug and B) you need serious help.
If you see someone with a hideous haircut wearing coveralls and AREN’T afraid he’ll break into your house with compressed air and make you decide head or tails if you want to live or die, you clearly did not see No Country for Old Men.
Lindsay Lohan stayed out of the paparazzi’s cameras long enough to star in I Know Who Killed Me and My Career, the OTHER one legged stripper movie of ’07.
Will Smith proved that he actually could ACT in the absorbing Richard Matheson adaptation I Am Legend.
You may have had to sit through a lot of singing, but damn if the blood didn’t squirt high and wide for Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.
If you don’t think 2007 is synonymous with the Chris Kattan zombie western Wanted: Undead or Alive, this could be signs of a serious condition.
If you hear the Beatles and don’t immediately refer to them as Jack Black, Justin Long, Paul Rudd or Jason Schwartzman, you don’t know Cox, Dewey Cox from Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story.
And if you think of ’07 you HAVE to think Ellen Page as the wise assed Juno.
But for me 2007 was summed up in one three hour experience. You were there. We all felt it. It was that collective sigh that everything was right with the world and we knew that peace, love and harmony could be felt in the world. It was when Rose McGowan strapped on a submachine gun to her leg stump and blew away dozens of zombie soldiers.
The feeling continued when we saw tantalizing glimpses of such sights as Lycanthropic Nazis, decrepit houses with eerie warnings of “Don’t” and of course Pilgrims slaughtering high school teens.
In that same three hour period we also witnessed Vanessa Ferlito’s face become compost under the wheel of Kurt Russell’s Death Proof car.
Yes I’m talking about Grindhouse. If you didn’t see Grindhouse in the theater, you weren’t there.
2008 is here and already we’ve witnessed one gigantic over-hyped mess (That would be Cloverfield.) as well as a GOOD Uwe Boll movie. (Of course I’m referring to In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale.) I don’ know about you, but if 2008 can see the production of a GOOD Uwe Boll movie, then my friends, the possibilities are endless for another year of thought provoking cinema.