The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

THE SNAKE KING (2005) *

You know when you find yourself watching a crummy Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie about a giant mutant snake starring Stephen Baldwin, you’re not asking for quality, just a fun, stupid way to spend two hours. 

 

Well nothing about The Snake King is much fun, but it’s certainly a stupid way to spend two hours.

 

Then again if you find yourself watching a crummy Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie about a giant mutant snake starring Stephen Baldwin, I guess you probably get what you deserve.

 

Scientists find a mummified body in the jungles of the Amazon that they estimate is over 300 years old.  They deduce the reason the guy was so old was because he drank from the fountain of youth, so they send ANOTHER team of scientists back to the Amazon to find the mythical fountain.  Of course their helicopter gets struck by lightning and they’re stranded in the jungle.  Predictably they run into a giant CGI snake that’s also drank from the fountain of youth, which has caused it to grow to enormous size.   It also has the ability to regenerate itself whenever it gets cut and pretty soon, it grows more heads than Ghidrah. 

 

Which makes me wonder if the fountain is really the fountain of YOUTH?  It’s seems like the fountain of mutation to me. 

 

There’s also a lot of rigmarole involving the native tribe that worships the giant snake that gives a new meaning to the word DULL.  Seriously, every time these guys show up, you could probably take a bathroom break, smoke a cigarette, grab some potato chips, or do your taxes until the snake finally rears it’s ugly head again.  Make that heads.   

 

What really makes this flick disappointing is that it was directed by Allan A. Goldstein, the man who gave us the incredible Death Wish 5:  The Face of Death.  Unfortunately, this flick is closer to his 2001:  A Space Travesty than that Charles Bronson classic. 

 

Goldstein gives us the requisite annoying, lime-green tinted Snake-Cam stalking scenes you’d come to expect from a Sci-Fi Channel Original.  He also copies mercilessly from the plot of the immortal Anacondas:  The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, but whereas as that movie was cheesy B Movie Gold, this flick is just plain bad.  The hilariously awful CGI effects are good for a laugh (literally, A laugh), but by the fifth time the cruddy looking multi-headed snake interacts poorly with a human actor, you’ll just be shaking your head in disbelief. 

 

Even though the CGI work is slipshod, the gore is fairly decent, given what they were working with.  We see arms bitten off and people being bitten in half, but mostly the giant snake just swallows his victims whole. 

 

As for the cast, Baldwin is OK, even though he’s MIA for a lot of the movie due to a snake bite (which is probably fortunate for all of us) and Jayne (Sci-Fighters) Heitmeyer gets to act bitchy as the main scientist who realizes in the end that the secret of eternal youth just isn’t worth being chased by a mutated multi-headed snake. 

 

AKA:  Snakeman.

Tags: horror, s
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