The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

THREE MEN TO KILL (1980) ½ *

 

Alain Delon stars in this pathetic Euro-crime thriller as a cool as ice poker player who helps an accident victim.  Little does Delon know that the man was marked for death, and since Delon interfered, he’s the assassins’ next target. 

 

While swimming at the beach, two hitmen try to drown Delon and NOT ONCE does the lifeguard blow the whistle on them for roughhousing in the surf.  Not logical.  Half star deduction for that. 

 

Delon survives that bout of insufferable horseplay and gets a policeman to protect him, but the hitmen shoot the cop promptly in the head.  This leads to a car chase that culminates in Delon driving through a gas station.  The hitmen try a few more times to kill Delon and keep failing miserably.  Finally the elderly crime boss sits Delon down face to face to kill him personally, but the old codger has a HEART ATTACK before he can snuff him.  The End. 

 

What?  HUH?  Talk about anticlimactic.  This has got to be the DUMBEST ending in the history of cinema.  Delon narrowly avoids being killed multiple times just to have the old fart croak on him.  ARGH! 

 

Not only does the ending completely suck, but so does the beginning and the middle for that matter.  The blood in this one looks roughly like Heinz 57 and I’m not saying that just because it contains as much blood as you would find in a ketchup package.  The tepid action scenes aren’t worth writing home about.  In fact, they’re not worth writing ANYBODY about, so forget I mentioned it. 

 

Delon makes for a pretty wimpy hero as the toughest line of dialogue he gets is “There’s no bugs in my john and no cyanide in my scotch!”  Fortunately, Dalil (Creepers) Di Lazzaro co-stars as Delon’s arm candy and gets to say some truly great stuff.  When she wakes up naked she says “My breasts are smaller in the morning!  I’m a demon for sleep!”  There’s also an annoyed doctor who gets to show off his bedside manner by saying “Great, he croaked!”  But it’s the elderly crime boss who gets the movie’s best line:  “In my next life I’d like to come back as a cat.  Even neutered, I’d have more autonomy than I do now.  You follow me?” 

 

An elderly gangster that gets reincarnated as a neutered cat.  THAT should have been the movie.  It has vastly more entertaining possibilities than this heap of dung. 

 

AKA:  Three Men to Destroy.

Tags: action, t
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