The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

1ST ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS. AND THE NOMINEES ARE...

Well it’s awards season yet again, and with writer’s striking and boycotting several awards shows, I feel compelled to start the first annual Video Vacuum Awards.  As a general rule, I hate award shows, so to set the VVA’s (otherwise known as the “Viddies”) apart from the rest of the pack I’ve set up these guidelines: 

 

1.)    I’ve had it up to here with award shows where people accepting the awards thank God.  God had nothing to do with you winning the award, it was the jackasses who voted for you.  So when you get your award, shut the Hell up and move along so the next person can get theirs.

 

2.)    I’ve had it up to here with presenters who take their podium time to bring attention to their own selfish charities or humanitarian causes.  If you want to do something for charity, dress up like Santa and ring a bell like everybody else.  To nip this in the bud, I will be giving out the awards.

 

3.)    I’ve had it up to here with award shows that feature terrible music numbers, so there will be NO music when these babies are handed out.

 

4.)    I’ve had it up to here with award shows that take 700 minutes showing you everybody who’s died in the past twelve months.  People die every day.  Get over it.  If there is ONE person of special significance who bought the farm, I may mention it briefly, but otherwise read the obituaries like everyone else. 

 

5.)    I’ve had it up to here with all the red carpet hoopla associated with any awards show.  I could really give a rat’s ass about what the Hell some second rate celebrity is wearing.  It’s probably by a designer I’ve never heard of, can’t pronounce or can’t afford, so why bother.  To put a stop to this once and for all The Viddies will be held in a nudist colony so we don’t have to worry about what the heck they’re wearing. 

 

6.)    I’ve had it up to here with those Price Waterhouse retards that “guard” the votes.  Really, get a life.  To squelch these pricks, I and I alone will tally the votes. 

 

7.)    Oh yeah, about the voting system.  I count all the votes, which are cast by ME, tabulated by ME, and presented by ME.  If you turkeys don’t like it, bite it off and choke on it. 

 

So now to announce the nominations for the First Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  The winners will be announced when I get around to it.   And the nominees are…

 

CRAZY PERSON AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN INSANITY

 

JAVIER BARDIEM as ANTON CHIGURGH in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

 

JOHN GOODMAN as THE ARMS DEALER in DEATH SENTENCE

 

MARCIA GAY HARDEN as MRS. CARMODY in THE MIST

 

ASHLEY JUDD as AGNES in BUG

 

TYLER MANE as MICHAEL MYERS in HALLOWEEN

 

BEST ZOMBIE  MOVIE

 

FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

 

GRINDHOUSE

 

I AM LEGEND

 

RESIDENT EVIL EXTINCTION

 

28 WEEKS LATER

 

WORST MUSICAL

 

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

 

HAIRSPRAY

 

SWEENEY TODD:  THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET

 

BEST SEQUEL

 

FANTASTIC FOUR:  RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

 

HILLS HAVE EYES 2

 

OCEAN’S THIRTEEN

 

SPIDER-MAN 3

 

28 WEEKS LATER

 

WORST SEQUEL

 

ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM

 

BLOODRAYNE 2:  DELIVERANCE

 

PUMPKINHEAD:  BLOOD FEUD

 

SAW IV

 

SPECIES:  THE AWAKENING

 

BEST MOVIE BASED ON A COMIC BOOK

 

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

 

GHOST RIDER

 

SPIDER-MAN 3

 

300

 

BEST REVENGE MOVIE

 

THE BRAVE ONE

 

DEATH SENTENCE

 

HANNIBAL RISING

 

HOSTEL 2

 

BEST COMEDY

 

HOT FUZZ

 

KNOCKED UP

 

SUPERBAD

 

RENO 911: THE MOVIE

 

WALK HARD:  THE DEWEY COX STORY

 

BEST HORROR MOVIE

 

GRINDHOUSE

 

HILLS HAVE EYES 2

 

HOSTEL 2

 

THE MIST

 

28 WEEKS LATER

 

RIP AWARD FOR BEST DEATH SCENE

 

VANESSA FERLITO for TAKING A CAR TO THE FACE in DEATH PROOF

 

ROGER BART for RECEIVING THE SWEDISH SPECIAL in HOSTEL 2

 

THE LEAD MUTANT for GETTING SHOT IN THE HEAD, HAVING HIS BRAINS PULLED OUT LIKE GRAPEFRUIT, GETTING A POLE SHOVED THROUGH HIS STOMACH, GETTING HIS ARM CHOPPED OFF WITH A MACHETE, HAVING HIS NUTS CRUSHED WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER… TWICE, AND HAVING A BAYONET SHOVED DOWN HIS THROAT in THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2

 

MEGA SNAKE for SADDLING UP TO THE MATTERHORN AND CHOMPING DOWN ON PASSENGER’S HEADS in MEGA SNAKE

 

QUENTIN TARANTINO for HIS MELTING GENITALIA in PLANET TERROR

 

WORST DIRECT-TO-DVD-SEQUEL

 

BLOODRAYNE 2

 

SPECIES 4

 

DECOYS 2

 

PUMPKINHEAD:  BLOOD FEUD

 

BEST ACTOR

 

JAVIER BARDIM for CREEPING UP THE JOINT in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

 

GERARD BUTLER for SLAUGHTERING PERSIANS WITH EXTREME PREDJUDICE in 300

 

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS for DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET HIS GRUBBY HANDS ON SOME OIL, EVEN IF IT MEANS BASHING A PREACHER IN THE HEAD WITH A BOWLING PIN in THERE WILL BE BLOOD

 

THOMAS JANE for SHOOTING EVERYONE IN THE SUV AND THEN WHOOPS! in THE MIST

 

KURT RUSSELL for WAXING PHILOSOPHICAL ON THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A STUNT MAN’S LIFE THEN RUNNING OVER WOMEN AT HIGH SPEEDS in DEATH PROOF

 

BEST ACTRESS

 

ZOE BELL for DOING ALL HER OWN STUNTS AND BEING THE LEAST ANNOYING FEMALE CHARACTER in DEATH PROOF

 

MARCIA GAY HARDEN for GOING TOTALLY BONKERS IN THE GROCERY STORE AND PREDICTING JUDGEMENT DAY in THE MIST

 

MILA JOVOVICH for BEING HOT AND KILLING ZOMBIES in RESIDENT EVIL:  EXTINCTION

 

ROSE MCGOWAN as THE ONE-LEGGED STRIPPER WITH A SEMI-AUTOMATIC PROSTHESIS in PLANET TERROR

 

ELLEN PAGE for BEING PREGNANT AND KEEPING HER HORMONES MORE OR LESS IN CHECK in JUNO

 

SCREENWRITING AWARD FOR BEST LINE OF DIALOGUE OF THE YEAR

 

BUG for “I AM THE SUPER MOTHER BUG!”

 

1408 for “THAT’S ONE EVIL FUCKING ROOM!”

 

THE MIST for “IF I WANTED A LITTLE FRIEND LIKE YOU I’D SQUAT DOWN AND SHIT ONE OUT!”

 

P2 for “WAY TO RUIN CHRISTMAS, ASSHOLE!”

 

RESIDENT EVIL:  EXTINCTION for THE EXCHANGE:  “WHAT HAPPENED TO VEGAS?”  “THE DESERT TOOK IT BACK.”

 

SPECIES:  THE AWAKENING for “FERTILIZATION ACHIEVED!” 

 

THERE WILL BE BLOOD for “YOU’RE JUST THE AFTERBIRTH THAT SLITHERED OUT OF YOUR MOTHER’S FILTH!”

 

300 for “THIS IS SPARTA!”

 

TRANSFORMERS for “STOP LUBRICATING ON THAT MAN!”

 

ZOO for “MAYBE I’LL JUST FEEL THE HORSE’S NUTS.”

 

BEST DIRECTOR

 

THE COHEN BROTHERS for NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

 

JASON REITMAN for JUNO

 

ROBERT RODRIGUEZ/QUENTIN TARANTINO/ROB ZOMBIE/ELI ROTH/EDGAR WRIGHT for GRINDHOUSE

 

ZACK SNYDER for 300

 

MARTIN WEISZ for THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2

 

WORST MOVIE

 

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

 

ALIENS VS. PREDATOR:  REQUIEM

 

BLOODRAYNE 2:  DELIVERANCE

 

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

 

TRANSFORMERS

 

BEST MOVIE

 

GRINDHOUSE


THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2


SPIDER-MAN 3


300


28 WEEKS LATER

 

I will announce the winners soon.

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