The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

FIVE BLOODY GRAVES (1970) ½ *

 

Director Al Adamson has done some pretty awful movies in nearly every genre, so it’s no surprise that a western directed by him would be equally as shitty.  As Adamson flicks go, it’s no Dracula vs. Frankenstein, but at least it’s better than Psycho A Go-Go. 

 

Robert Dix stars as a cowboy who is on a quest for vengeance to find the Apache Indian named Satago (future director John “Bud” Cardos), the man responsible for his wife’s death.  Dix saves one woman from being turned into an Apache love slave and warns her and her husband to skedaddle because even more Indians are on their way.  Of course they don’t listen and they end up getting their wigs torn off.  (I would say “scalped”, but clearly the Indians just pull the wigs off the tops of their heads.) 

 

Then Satago finds a squaw who’s been shacked up with a white man.  He doesn’t like it much so he beats the guy within an inch of his life and leaves the squaw out for the vultures.  Two cowpokes find her tied up in the middle of the desert and one of them decides to rapes her. 

 

Let’s talk about rape in movies for a second folks.  We’ve had some brutal rape scenes in the movies before.  Anyone who’s seen I Spit on Your Grave, Last House on the Left or Ms. 45 can attest to that.  But let me tell you something, you’ve not seen anything like the rape scene in Five Bloody Graves.  I am not stretching my imagination when I tell you that it lasts .012678 of a second.  Seriously, the guy leans over the squaw, doesn’t even thrust ONCE and is DONE.  Incredible.  He rewards her generosity by shooting her in the face.  Honestly, I think it takes her longer to die than it did for him to finish.  

 

After that bit of business, Dix comes to the aid of Scott Brady and his band of whores to fend off some more Apaches.  The duo of rapists also joins the caravan and when the husband of the rapee finds the man who did it, he gets revenge by giving him a Bowie knife to the gizzard.  Satago finally puts an arrow through the entire cast except for Dix.  Unfortunately, he runs out of arrows and Dix throws him off a waterfall. 

 

I LIKE westerns, but they aren’t my bread and butter.  I only watched this flick primarily because of Adamson’s involvement and to see John Carradine play yet another priest, but this flick is one of his all time worse.  The film is loaded with stupefying narration that’s spoken by “Death”, but anyone could plainly see that “Death” is clearly the editor’s way of holding the slipshod plot together.  Dix (who also wrote this inexorable excrement) makes for a pretty pathetic hero and at one point gets out-acted by his horse. 

 

The music in this sucker is equally atrocious.  (It was obviously taken from other movies and haphazardly edited in.)  At one point, Brady clutches his beloved dead whore and striptease music inexplicably plays. 

 

What’s worse, it that there are only TWO graves in the entire movie and not one of them are bloody.  (At least a movie like Three on a Meathook has the balls to actually give you what the title implies.)  Even if you count the two people who are tied up and left for the vultures as being in a “grave”, that still only makes FOUR.  We DO get to see a little bit of blood every now and then, like when somebody gets an arrow into their abdomen, but it’s about enough to fill a medicine dropper. 

 

AKA:  Five Bloody Days to Tombstone.  AKA:  Gun Riders.  AKA:  The Lonely Man.

Tags: f, western
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