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CITY NINJA (1985) ***

 

Hong Kong, 1940.  A Chinese dude gets jumped by several Ninjas who explode when they are killed.  When the ninjas realize they are no match for him, they all disappear into thin air.  Then we’re treated to a title sequence where an AMERICAN dude gets jumped by several Ninjas who explode when they are killed. 

 

45 years later, a boxing champion named Wang Lee passes the time before his next bout by drawing faces on stripper’s asses.  SOMETHING of a plot forms when a bunch of greedy, greasy bad guys all want to get their hands on a precious necklace, but mostly we just get a lot of scenes where Wang practices his boxing moves in a sweaty gymnasium.  Wang’s technique mostly involves spitting blood in his opponent’s face to blind them before tap dancing on their larynx.  Wang is hired by one of the interested parties to retrieve the necklace. 

 

Next, this Asian nympho masturbates in the shower and THEN watches porn, but her uncaring husband doesn’t want to touch her so she tracks down Wang at the gym and seduces him in the locker room shower.  But before they can close the deal she gets cold feet and decides she can’t cheat on her hubby, so they just cuddle fully clothed in the shower. 

 

I hope it was a cold shower, because if a chick ever cockteased me like that, there would be Hell to pay. 

 

So Wang goes to find this necklace and has to kung fu this pool player who does trick shots while doing a handstand.  Wang comes in and shoves a cue ball down his throat and impales him on a stuffed elephant.  He doesn’t find the whereabouts to the necklace because he was too busy clobbering the guy to ask. 

 

Then the movie gets arty for a second as we are treated to a full minute of gratuitous female mud wrestling. 

 

Wang then kung fus some more guys using a patented fighting skill that I’d refer to as Lead Pipe to the Groin Style. 

 

Then Wang gets blue balled by ANOTHER chick, this time his fiancée.  No wonder he goes around smashing guys in the testicles with a lead pipe.  I can’t say I blame him. 

 

But things start looking up for Wang (or shall I say his Wang starts going up) when the nympho comes back to the gym and he fucks her vigorously on every piece of gym equipment known to man.  All I’ll say is that you’ll never look at a rowing machine in quite the same way again. 

 

Then we learn that some other Oriental chucklehead named Jimmy is in possession of the necklace and he gets promptly attacked by a vicious gangster known as Red Head (he looks like Ronald McDonald without the make-up dressed like Gordon Gekko).  After he and his girlfriend fight off several of the Ginger Man’s goons, they celebrate with some intense fucking of their own. 

 

Then Jimmy has an outstanding fight scene where he kung fus several henchmen while sitting in the backseat of a car.  He just breaks the glass with his foot and pummels them through the window.  The thugs then stick Jimmy in the trunk, but that just makes him MAD and he rips the trunk open with his bare hands and begins disassembling the car WHILE IT’S IN MOTION, causing the driver to fly off a cliff. 

 

Cut back to Wang, who is informed by his mistress that they’re expecting a little Wang.  Some bad guys overhear the news and try to blackmail him at spear gun point to cooperate, but it doesn’t really matter because Wang ends up accidentally killing her anyway. 

 

Hey, it beats paying child support.   

 

Then Jimmy’s girlfriend masturbates in the shower, but she uses a detachable shower head for maximum access, only she gets interrupted by some gangsters led by a guy with Mr. Spock eyebrows who torture her by spinning her around the room really fast.  This makes Jimmy especially cranky, so he goes and karate chops the daylights out of some ninjas on a suspension bridge, only these ninjas don’t explode when you kill them unless you physically blow them up with TNT.

 

Then Jimmy goes into a warehouse and starts piling corpses into barrels, before we get to see ANOTHER Asian chick masturbating in the shower.  (I’m starting to see a motif here.) 

 

Things get a bit confusing from this point out as Wang and Jimmy look so much alike I couldn’t tell who was karate chopping their way to find the necklace.  In the HUH!?! ending, Jimmy gets killed, and Wang is arrested.   

 

If you can’t already tell, this movie is dumber than a box of dog biscuits, but it’s also a lot of fun.  You never have to wait for something ridiculous to happen and the flick is never boring.  Sure, this movie made zero sense, but sue me, I liked it.  I have no idea what the beginning of this movie with the exploding ninjas had to do with the rest of this flick or what the ending was all about.  Then again if you try to make sense out of this bat shit insane movie, you may end up doing time in a padded cell.  There’s nothing remotely coherent about City Ninja, but oddly enough that adds to it’s charm. 

 

The fight scenes aren’t expertly choreographed (in one scene a guy visibly splits his pants, but they just keep going), but at least they’re energetic and fun.  Besides where else are you going to see a guy being forced to swallow a cue ball before being gored on an elephant tusk?  Women will especially enjoy this flick for the tender love scenes that make 9 ½ Weeks look like Lady and the Tramp and guys look like to watch women masturbate in the shower will definitely want to check it out.     

 

A drunken American gets the movie’s best line when he insults Wang by calling him “A yellow shithead!”

 

AKA:  Ninja Holocaust.  AKA:  108 Golden Killers.  AKA:  Rocky’s Love Affairs.

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