SCORPION (1986) * ½

When you start watching this movie, you’re gonna think you got gypped because for the first ten minutes, nobody speaks a lick of English.  They’re either speaking Spanish or Dutch, both without the benefit of subtitles, but luckily a bunch of American generals show up to explain the plot:  A group of Middle Eastern terrorists are skyjacking people left and right and it’s up to the good old US of A to stop ‘em.    

No name Tonny Tulleners stars as a spy named Scorpion who stops driving around Mexico in a Porsche and getting into bar fights long enough to take the mission.  First step is to walk onboard the airplane wearing nothing but Jockey shorts so the terrorists can see he doesn’t have any concealed weapons.  (He doesn’t, if you catch my drift ladies.)  Second step is to kung fu Middle Eastern ass all over the plane.  When his childhood buddy gets iced by the terrorists, Scorpion goes to work kung fuing even more Arabs and tossing them off the top of buildings until he finally takes on the terrorist leader.     

Basically it’s Delta Force without the Force.  In fact, Tulleners kinda looks like Chuck Norris if you stripped him of all his charisma, acting ability and basic common sense.  In one scene he actually gets out-acted by his moustache.  I’m not kidding. 

The fight scenes are all ineptly filmed and the only thing Tulleners does that even remotely approaches being an action star is that he looks vaguely similar to Chuck Norris.  We also never learn exactly how Tulleners can afford not one but TWO Porsches when he lives on a houseboat either.  In the end, Scorpion, both the movie and the character are instantly forgettable, but at least it tried to tell us to be wary of crazed Arabs willing to blow us all up.