The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum

CHOPPING MALL (1986) ***

A California shopping mall decides to replace their regular security guards with deadly robots called Killbots.  Take a second to imagine if a Cylon raped R2-D2 and it gave birth.  The bastard robo-offspring would look something like a Killbot.  A bolt of lighting turns the robots into psycho killing machines (Hello, they’re called KILLBOTS, what the heck did you think was going to happen?), and after they murder their programmers, the robots set their sights on a bunch of teenagers who are partying it up after hours in the mall.  Kelli Maroney is one of the teenagers and since she survived zombies attacking her in a shopping mall in Night of the Comet, pint sized killer robots attacking her in a shopping mall are a piece of cake. 


Okay let’s do some movie math:  Short Circuit + Friday the 13 = Chopping Mall.  However you do the math, one thing is for sure, this flick makes for one damn good time.


Jim (Not of This Earth) Wynorski directed this sucker, so you may already know what to expect.  Girls with no shirts on?  Check.  Former Roger Corman actors in meaningless cameos?  Uh-huh.  Lots of entertainment in under 80 minutes?  You betcha. 


The plot is stupid as all get out (I mean considering that the Killbots cause untold thousands of dollars of damage to the mall, it makes me wonder if security cameras would’ve been a smarter move.) but Chopping Mall moves at a lightning pace and features some brief, but memorable gore scenes.  (Love that exploding head gag.) 


Let’s tally up those cool points:


Scream Queen Kelli Maroney (+5)


Scream Queen Barbara (Re-Animator) Crampton (+5)


Dick (Gremlins) Miller (+10)


Paul (Rock n’ Roll High School) Bartel (+5)


Mary (Death Race 2000) Woronov (+5)


Jim (Return of Swamp Thing) Wynorksi (+5)


Gerrit (Phantom of the Paradise) Graham (+5)


5 Breasts at one point apiece (+5)


Barbequed bimbo (+5)


Death through a centerfold (+5)


Exploding head (+5)


Exploding robots (+5)


Great dialogue including such classics as, “They’re trying to French fry us!”, and “I’m just not used to being chased around a mall in the middle of the night by a bunch of killer robots!” (+10)


Gotta take some points off because for a movie called CHOPPING Mall, there isn’t a heck of a lot of chopping going on as the Killbots mainly use lasers to do their dirty work. (-5)


That gives Chopping Mall a solid total of 70 Cool Points, enough to cement it’s status as the Greatest Killer Robots in a Shopping Mall Movie ever made.  ***.  6 beers recommended to achieve the four stars experience.


AKA:  Killbots. 

Tags: c, horror, jim wynorski


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