The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

SCORPION THUNDERBOLT (1988) ***

If you’ve ever seen any of these Ninja movies starring Richard Harrison, you should already know what (not) to expect, but I’ll be damned if this one isn’t pretty entertaining.  Like all these Ninja flicks, director Godfrey Ho bought an unreleased horror movie, then haphazardly edited in scenes of Harrison kicking ass.  Scorpion Thunderbolt is actually one of the better in the Ho/Harrison series, because Harrison has a larger role, there’s more action and it features a cool monster turning women into shredded wheat. 

 

A hooker is killed by a giant snake monster; then the plot begins.  An old witch uses a crystal ball and makes said giant snake monster murder a bunch of hot chicks.  A cop on the case falls in love with a mysterious woman who turns out to be the evil snake monster.  (“I’m not a human being!  I’m a snake demon!”)

 

All of this is intercut with scenes of Harrison trying to find out the mystery of a gold ring.  While driving down the street, a hitchhiker flashes her tits and he picks her up.  She takes him to her “studio” where she shows him a porno she was in and he says, “I’ll admit you got fucking talent!”

 

She does a strip show for him, seduces him, and then they fuck while her movie plays.  Since the girl is under the control of the witch, the old bag makes the slut try to murder Richard, but he stops her.  She then pukes up a bunch of spicy mustard and dies.  Harrison goes out looking for the owner of the ring and every so often gets into a random kung fu fight using makeshift weapons (exercise equipment, umbrellas, and in one scene he uses a towel to bitch slap someone).

 

During the finale, the cops corner the giant snake woman and she flies away.  (Yes, the snake woman freakin’ flies!)  Her boyfriend tries to tell her that he can handle her murderous ways and will go on loving her, but unfortunately, the cops intervene and gun her down.  Finally, Harrison shows up to kill the old witch by destroying the ring in a fire while the Indiana Jones theme plays. 

 

Now this is what I call fucking cinema.

 

In addition to the above, but we also get a scene where a guy ties a woman to a pool table and shoots balls at her pussy, a girl humping a giant snake man, and best of all, a giant snake baby breastfeeding! 

 

So basically you get two movies for the price of one in this flick.  You get a pretty good giant killer snake man movie (one that’s decidedly a whole lot better than what’s been turning up on the Sci-Fi Channel recently) as well as a fairly decent kung fu flick.  Most of the action involves the giant snake monster carving up young girls, but the scenes of Harrison laying the smackdown on a bunch of third rate ninjas are equally enjoyable.  The transformation scenes are well done, all things considered, and the monster resembles the bastard stepchild of Godzilla and the snake man from Dreamscape.  The subplot with the cops tracking down the witch is kinda lame, but any movie featuring this much nudity, kung fu, impromptu dance sequences, and gore gets an automatic three star rating from me.   

 

Harrison gets the best line of the movie while interrogating a punk:  “Why do you want the ring, fucker?”

Tags: action, horror, kung fu, s
Subscribe

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

  • 0 comments