The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum

CYBORG (1989) ½ *

I haven’t seen too many of Jean Claude Van Damme’s later Direct to DVD movies, but I assure you they can’t be much worse than this crap.


Usually when you see the familiar Cannon logo, you think you’d be at least getting quality of SOME kind.  After all these are the people who brought us the Death Wish sequels, the Missing in Action movies and Cobra for God’s sakes.  Cyborg is just a shitheap futuristic kickboxing crapfest from start to finish. 


Van Damme stars as Gibson Rickenbacker, a guy who lives outside of a matte painting of the post-apocalyptic New York City.  He’s pissed at Fender, this Deep Voiced Mullet Dude who killed his family, but he’s content to just roam along the wasteland with a lot of dirt on his face.  After Fender kidnaps a Cyborg chick with the cure for “The Plague” in her robotic noggin, Van Damme says okay, I’ll take the chick to Atlanta so some scientist can get the information out of her thick skull.  


At least that’s what I THINK this movie is about, because most of the movie only consists of JCVD wandering around a junkyard for 85 minutes looking for this robot woman.  Every ten minutes or so, someone will say something like, “Are you going to Atlanta?  The cure for the plague is there!” and you’re like, “Okay THAT’S what’s going on, I remember now!”  In the end, JCVD FINALLY kickboxes the Deep Voiced Mullet Dude onto a meathook so this sorry mess can be over. 


Filmed in PLACES (I REFUSE to call these things SETS) originally constructed for the never made Masters of the Universe 2, this movie continuously looks bad, sounds bad, and IS bad.  The budget (excuse me while I fall to the floor in uncontrollable laughter after typing the word, “budget”) must have been $7.55.  I’m not joking.  JCVD didn’t even get enough money to put a decent down payment on some nose candy for this one.  


This flick is rife with awful dubbing, pathetic costumes, an incoherent plot, ludicrous villains, woeful flashbacks, idiotic dream sequences, and some of the lamest kickboxing action scenes you’ve ever seen.  Not to mention that this movie is BORING as all fuck.  Seriously, NOTHING happens in this movie and it happens A LOT.  Every once in awhile there will be some sorry excuse for a kickboxing scene to perk things up, but most of the time Cyborg is about as entertaining as scraping dog shit off your sneakers.


Except for one brief scene where he utilizes his patented Van Damme split, JC keeps his kickboxing skills to the barest minimum in this one.  I don’t know if that’s exactly JCVD’s fault though.  It probably had more to do with director Albert Pyun’s shitty direction, sloppy choreography and haphazard editing more than anything.  I mean did Pyun absolutely FOREGT how to make a movie?  We’re talking about the guy who directed Sword and the Sorcerer here.  C’mon Albert!  Pull that camera back a little so we can actually SEE Van Damme’s whole body when he jump kicks somebody and not just his torso!


And the less said about the vaguely homosexual final shirtless kickboxing duel in the rain, the better.


Oh, and just so you know, all the characters in this movie are named after guitars.  If the screenwriter spent MORE time on plot, action, and other stuff that made a lick of sense instead of naming something after a musical instrument, we MIGHT have had a good movie here.  But I seriously doubt it though. 


Followed by a much better (but not entirely GOOD) sequel starring Angelina Jolie.


There’s an extremely aggravating non-sexual romantic interest in the film whose only purpose from where I was sitting was to deliver the ONLY memorable line of this back alley abortion of a movie:  “There’s a cure for the plague and you don’t even give a shit!  What kind of a jerk are you?” 

Tags: action, c, cannon, kung fu, sci-fi, van damme
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