The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

THE STORY OF THE VIDEO VACUUM

This here is a new feature at The Video Vacuum called Tales from the Video Vacuum in which I impart to you, my faithful readers some of the hallmark moments in my movie going experiences.  I will also tell you about the unheralded people working in films that you may have missed or had completely forgotten about.  I will also essay random musings here, as well as general madness that spews out of my cranium.

 

But today, I want to tell you a little story about HOW The Video Vacuum came into being.  I have been writing this blog for almost a year now, but I’ve never actually sat down to tell you all why I do what I do.  Until now. 

 

I, like many great men in history didn’t have much of a purpose in life until God spoke to me.  Before Noah built the Ark, he was just an average Joe until God spoke him and got him to save all the animals of the Earth, and mankind in the process.  Before Joseph Smith created the Mormon Church, he was just some dude until God spoke to him and he in turn founded a beautiful religion where you can imprison multiple wives, treat ‘em like dog food, and keep ‘em preggers at all times.  Before being the acid guru of the 20th century, Timothy Leary was a DOCTOR, until God spoke to him on an acid trip and told him to tune in, turn on and drop out. 

 

I am like those great men.

 

Before God spoke to me, I was just some guy who watched dozens of movies a month and just kinda absorbed them all.  One day, shortly after watching Herschell Gordon Lewis’ The Gore Gore Girls, God spoke.  He said, “Mitchell, you need to spread the word.  You need to tell others just how truly demented this movie is.  You need to tell the people of this great planet about the scene where the killer beats a woman’s ass with a meat tenderizer.  You must tell the teeming masses about the scene where the killer rips out the girl’s eyeballs while marching band music plays.  And certainly you must tell them about the part when the killer cuts off a chick’s nipples and both white and chocolate milk shoots out.”  Then God whispered and said, “And if it’s at all possible try to tell ‘em that Henny Youngman, of all people is in the flick too.”  

 

I asked God how the heck I was gonna do that and he told me to make a magazine and distribute it locally, which I did for about a year or so.  It wasn’t until my beautiful wife Sarah got me set up on the net that I was finally able to spread my gospel to people worldwide. 

 

Now I know a lot of my reviews will not be popular, but then again any great man in history with God on his side is gonna have to deal with the crazy people out there who don’t want them to spread His word.  Jesus got crucified for it, JFK got his head turned into Ambrosia salad by an assassin’s bullet because of it, and Malcolm X got Red Shirted PDQ as well.  (Okay so Malcolm X was Muslim, but he had Mohammad on his side and Mohammad IS a god, so there.)  I know someday I will come face to face with an angry humanoid with an itchy trigger finger wanting to pull a Sirhan Sirhan on me.  He’ll probably say something like, “How could you possibly give Peter Jackson’s King Kong two stars and the Dino DiLaurentiis remake three?” and before I can say “Jessica Lange’s titties”, he’ll shoot me square in the face. 

 

(Since my tale will be eerily similar to that of Jesus, JFK and Malcolm X, hopefully either Mel Gibson, Oliver Stone or Spike Lee are taking notes so they can turn my life story into a movie.)

 

But don’t mourn my death brothers and sisters, for I will be returned to His kingdom where God will welcome me into the pearly gates with open arms; a Coke in one hand, hot buttered popcorn in the other, and me, Him, Elvis, Sid Vicious, Bela Lugosi and Russ Meyer will hunker down for Movie Night and watch a double feature of Basket Case and Frankenhooker. 

 

Speaking of the classics, that begs the question, “What kinds of movies can be found in The Video Vacuum?”  The answer is simple:  All kinds.  While my tastes run towards horror and exploitation, any movie I see is considered fodder for The VV.  After all God didn’t discriminate, so why should I? 

 

For those who read the site, thank you.  If you like what you read, tell your friends.  If you don’t, tell your friends.

See you all in The Vacuum.

 

--Mitch Lovell

Tags: .tales from the video vacuum
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