The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum

CURSED (2005) ****

This flick took two years to make, with major rewrites, cast changes, re-shoots, re-editing, and re-ratings. It ended up costing over $80 million, made monster creator Rick Baker take a break from the make-up chair and made director Wes Craven throw up his hands and walk away.

It was worth it!

Cursed is the new King of Cheesy Horror Movies for the New Millennium. Craven, working in full on Deadly Friend mode, delivers the goofiest Doubt Your Sanity Flick since Death Wish V.

The plot starts out with a gypsy telling hotties Mya and Shannon (American Pie) Elizabeth they will die. Of course, when Christina Ricci and her brother, (Jesse Eisenberg), are going down Mulholland Drive, they hit a big beast and crash into Elizabeth’s car. Then a big fucking werewolf drags her away, but not before biting Ricci and her brother. Ricci, who works for The Craig Kilborn Show (Who also appears, as himself. See how dated this movie is already?), and a publicist, who looks like a human skeleton and works for none other than Chachi himself, Scott Baio, fight over Joshua (Urban Legend) Jackson. Mya even dresses up in a cat suit to get his attention, but gets chased through a parking garage by an extremely pissed off anthropomorphic werewolf, that eats her in an elevator.

Meanwhile, dorky Eisenberg goes on the infonet and finds out all about werewolves and shows Ricci he’s got a pentagram on his palm, which means he’s a werewolf. She’s got one too and in the words of Christopher Lee in the immortal Howling 2: Your Sister is a Werewolf. Eisenberg tells her they are “cursed” and they have “the mark of the beast” on them.

This is the kind of movie that says it’s title a lot. I counted the term “cursed” a total of eight times, with “mark of the beast” coming in a close second with six.

Of course, the brother’s dog don’t trust him anymore so it bites him. Since the dog gets some of Eisenberg’s blood in him, it turns into (are you ready for this?) a CGI Were-dog!

I love it!

Anyway, at school, Eisenberg’s got other problems cuz the girl he’s got a crush on has a boyfriend who actually has a crush on him! Since werewolves have “unusual sexual magnetism”, the gay boyfriend tries to put the moves on him. Eisenberg puts on the brakes by saying, “Look dude, I’m cursed, not gay!”

At the opening of Jackson’s new wax museum, we find out he’s a werewolf too, just not THE werewolf that’s been killing everybody. That honor goes to the bitchy skeleton woman publicist who kills and reverts back to human form. She got bitten by Jackson during a one night stand.

“Apparently there’s no such thing as safe sex with a werewolf!”

Jackson tries to protect Ricci from the skeleton werewolf woman, but she assures him that “I won’t kill her, I’ll just let her choke on her own blood, rip out her guts, and oh yeah, I might eat her.” She fights Jackson, Ricci and Eisenberg, but disappears when the cops show up. They ask for a description of the beast. Ricci said it had “bad skin, big thighs and a bony ass!” This brings the beast out of hiding. Big Time.

What follows is the single greatest scene of any movie in the history of cinema. The werewolf in a fit of rage gives Christina Ricci the middle finger!!!

I am proud to be an American.

The cops open fire and bring the skinny bitch down. Then, it’s over right? WRONG! We got more movie! It’s like screenwriter Kevin Williamson ended the movie in a tie, and now we’re going to extra innings. Jackson follows Ricci and Eisenberg home and says he must kill Eisenberg, so he can be “The Alpha Male”. They fight and the Eisenberg makes like the cursed version of Lionel Ritchie and starts walking on the ceiling. While Jackson struggles with Ricci and since (according to this flick anyway) werewolves have to be decapitated, Eisenberg cuts off Jackson’s head with a shovel.

By the way, Eisenberg and Ricci NEVER once actually turn into a werewolf. Brilliant.

Unfortunately, for this review I can only give this movie four stars, but in my heart I’m giving it 41 ¾ stars. I thought Craven flipped his lid when Shocker came out, but this flick shows he can still pull out more “Huh’s?” per minute than anyone.

Bottom line: The Best Werewolf Movie Since Teen Wolf.

Also with Judy Greer as the Skeleton Woman and Lance Bass as himself (who unfortunately, does NOT get eaten). Rated PG-13 for Patented Genius after you drink 13 Beers. If you wanna watch another werewolf whodunit where it turns out to be a chick in the end, see also, The Howling V. Craven and Williamson also did a little movie called Scream together.
Tags: c, craven, horror, werewolf
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