I liked the first two Pirates of the
The preceding Pirates movies were enjoyable for what they were: dumb, summer entertainment; but I’ll be damned if I can remember a whole lot of what happened in either of them. Luckily, I at least remember the end of the second movie in which Captain Jack got swallowed up by a gigantic octopus’ asshole. That’s all the exposition you really need to get you prepared to watch this turd.
The plot of this sucker is that the good pirates, led by Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) have to rescue Jack from the clutches of the bad pirates, led by the squid-faced Davy Jones (Bill Nigh). Once Jack is freed, the double and triple and quadruple crossings usually found in these movies ensues until we get to the end where everyone boards a pirate ship and shoots the shit out of each other with cannonballs while circling around in a giant whirlpool.
Likewise, the movie is constantly circling the drain.
Coming from someone who loved the original attraction down in Disney World as a kid, I can’t see what all this has to do with the original ride. Apparently Disney thought so too so they (unnecessarily) added a bunch of animatronics Jack Sparrows to the original attraction in a meager attempt to connect these flicks to beloved ride. I haven’t seen the
Depp’s performance is the only thing that keeps this movie afloat, but even he seems subdued in this overlong mess. Seriously, this flick clocks in at just under three hours and believe me, you feel every second of it. The filmmakers made a woeful miscalculation by keeping Depp off screen up until about the half hour mark. Nothing in the opening scenes is of much interest because Depp isn’t apart of the action. This is unfortunate because these scenes more or less set up the whole damn movie. The film also opens bizarrely enough with a murder of a child; something quite unorthodox for a Disney flick to say the least.
The thing that really shipwrecks this flick is the plot. It’s so damn convoluted that you could really give two shits by the end. Not that you really need a plot for this sort of thing but all of the characters’ incessant backstabbing and bickering takes it’s toll after awhile. Although the art direction and special effects are impressive, they aren’t much help. Yeah the flick is cool to look at, but it’s empty, lifeless, dull and headache inducing.
Depp does what he can to save a sinking ship and is aided nicely by Richards’ all-too-brief cameo. Chow Yun Fat is also in the flick as a Chinese pirate, though he gets killed off way too early to make much of an impact. Even though there is a gratuitous set-up for another sequel, let’s hope the franchise is finally lost at sea for good.