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THE MISTRESS OF ATLANTIS (1939) * ½

A pair of Foreign Legionnaires goes wandering into the Sahara desert where they run smack dab into the underground city of Atlantis.  Yes folks; the mythical aquatic kingdom is actually located in a DESERT.  If that isn’t the first sign that this flick is gonna be bad; then I don’t know what is.  Anyway, Atlantis is ran by the beautiful but bitchy Antinea (Brigitte Helm) and while the one Legionnaire guy wants nothing more than to escape, all the less sensible guy wants to do is sit around and ogle Antinea all day, which embroils the duo in a lot of boring palace intrigue. 

 

You know I usually will justify putting a movie into my DVD player for fairly odd reasons.  The justification behind this one was that I got to see the hot Bridgette Helm from the silent classic Metropolis speak on screen and dress like an Egyptian slut.  I got that but little else from this movie. 

 

Several things pissed me off about this flick.  First and foremost was the fact that I found myself watching an Atlantis movie that had nothing but SAND in it.  Excuse me; isn’t Atlantis supposed to be filled with water and shit?  There ain’t a drop of water to be had in this flick!  Secondly, this movie had less to do with Atlantis and more to do with two clueless Foreign Legionnaires stumbling around the desert for 77 minutes.  Seriously movie, if I wanted to watch two knuckle-knobs tomfooling around the desert, I would’ve put on Abbott and Costello in the Foreign Legion.  Another thing was that this film featured more scenes of people wandering around empty hallways looking for other people than any movie has any right to.  Every five minutes some guy was lost or ran off or something and the other guy had to go pussyfooting around the palace to find him.  But the thing that disappointed me the most was Helm.  Sure she looked great, but her performance was downright awful.  I liked her better in Metropolis when she was silent.  To be fair, I lose interest pretty fast once any woman opens her mouth to talk, so it’s nothing personal Brigitte. 

 

And what was up with that long ass chess playing scene?  Was that some jackass’ idea of FOREPLAY or something?  I’m sorry but if I’m captured by a sexy Atlantean slut, the last thing I’m going to be doing with her is play CHESS for Christ’s sake.  Naked Co-Ed Twister, definitely; but not fucking CHESS!

 

Wherever Atlantis DID get lost to, be it at sea or in the middle of the desert, I wish this movie would follow. 

 

AKA:  The Lost Atlantis.

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