The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

THE QUIET (2006) * ½

An orphaned deaf girl (the ultra hot Camilla Belle) gets sent to live with her godparents (Martin Donovan and Edie Falco), much to the chagrin of their perfect teenage all-American cheerleader daughter (the ultra hot Elisha Cuthbert).  Since Belle can’t hear a damn thing, a lot of people feel the need to confess all their secrets to her and when it comes time for Cuthbert to confess, it’s a doozy.  It seems that her daddy has been slipping her the Salami Special every night and she’s so fed up about it that she just might be ready to do her dear old dad in.  The twist (excuse my snickering at the term “twist”) is that Belle CAN hear (SHOCKER!) and she uses her newfound knowledge to help Elisha out by strangling her pops with some piano wire.

 

This flick is a clear case of me expecting one movie and getting another.  Looking at the DVD box we see Elisha Cuthbert looking all kinds of hot about THIS close to Camilla’s face as if she’s about to plant a big old wet kiss on her.  Knowing that this was directed by the lesbian who directed the lesbian comedy classic But I’m a Cheerleader, I figured that this flick would have at least one lesbian scene where Belle and Cuthbert go at it like hounds in heat. 

 

Boy was I ever wrong.  There are a few scenes where the girls get real close and snuggle in bed and shit, but their relationship always stays at that “You go girl!” level and never fully crosses the line into full tilt DeGeneresism.  I guess the problem was that the director was going for lesbian UNDERTONES and I was hoping for lesbian UNDERWEAR.  That’s my fault, not the movie’s.  I’ll admit that much. 

 

So if this movie isn’t about Camilla Belle and Elisha Cuthbert mashing clams, then what the heck is it about then?  Not much I’m afraid.  Most of the movie plays like a drawn out CW drama and a predictable one at that.  The “plot” was almost non-existent and the only “surprises” were ones you saw coming a mile away.  Not to mention the movie’s totally ridiculous logic.  Honestly, if minutes ago, you were in the process of being fucked by your lecherous father and then you were rescued in the nick of time by some creepy deaf chick who wrapped piano wire around his neck and strangled him so bad that blood from his jugular spurted all over your face in an orgasmic spray… WOULD YOU STILL GO TO THE PROM? 

 

And another thing I hated about this movie.  I know it’s called THE QUIET and it’s about a DEAF person, but why in the Hell does everybody whisper in this flick?  I felt like I was the deaf one.  No really, I had the 5.1 surround sound on and still couldn’t make out what the heck most of these idiots were blabbering on about.  No wonder it was so easy for Camilla to pretend she was deaf!  Jeesh. 

 

On the plus side, the father/daughter fuck scenes ARE pretty hot, if you’re into that sort of thing.  Otherwise, you’ll be wishing you were deaf, dumb AND blind while watching this movie. 

 

Falco and Donovan were also in the classic Trust together.

Tags: drama, q
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