Woody Harrelson is a missionary who along with his wife (Emily Mortimer) jump aboard the transsiberian express going from Beijing to Moscow. When Woody hops off at a stop to check out some antique trains, Emily starts up a little fling with their bunkmate, a Latin lothario/drug smuggler. She puts on the brakes though and it makes the dude so mad that he tries to rape her so Emily’s got to kill him. Back aboard the train, they get a new bunkmate in the form of a persistent Russian policeman (Ben Kingsley), which makes poor Emily visibly upset, especially when she learns that she’s inexplicably stuck with her boytoy’s stash of heroin.
Like Hostel, this movie reinforces why I never go outside of the good old US of A. It’s not that I’m afraid I’m going to get killed by lunatics or incarcerated by unfriendly police officials or anything, it’s just that I hate being around a bunch of motherfuckers who don’t speak English. (It’s comparable to going to McDonald’s.)
Director Brad (The Machinist) Anderson tries for that whole paranoia/claustrophobia of being in a confined space in a foreign country type deals. The result is more like taking a train ride with a bunch of irritating people for two hours. Harrelson’s incredibly naïve “Aw Shucks” persona is pretty grating and Mortimer’s cunt queen routine gets on your nerves real fast. Kingsley is good as the steely eyed detective, but his performance alone can’t save this slow moving, boring and dreary thriller.