The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

WEREWOLF (1996) *

As a general rule, I usually don’t like to use the word “retarded” when describing a movie.  In our overly sensitive times, the word “retarded” is kinda frowned upon as being “Politically Incorrect” so I try to respect people’s feelings as much as possible.  Apologies in advance folks, but the only word that can aptly describe Werewolf is… RETARDED!

 

First we start off with like five minutes of some truly unbearable Indian chanting over the opening credits before the plots begins.  Okay so there’s this archeological dig out in the Arizona desert presided over by a guy named Noel (Richard Lynch from Invasion USA).  They discover a skeleton of a werewolf; or as the Indians like to call it, a “Yanaglachi”.  Noel’s partner Yuri (George Rivero) gets into a fight with one of the Indian workers and the dude accidentally falls onto the skeleton and cuts himself on the werewolf’s teeth.  That night, he turns into a werewolf and is promptly gunned down by his good Native American buddy, played by none other than Joe Estevez. 

 

Luckily, Yuri collected a blood sample from the poor dope and the next night, he slips a random security guard a Mickey and injects him with the werewolf blood.  The Rent-A-Cop is rather unfazed by his new lycanthropic ways and decides to drive home during a full moon.  Apparently, werewolves don’t make for good drivers and he crashes his car and dies. 

 

Yuri’s got the hots for his co-worker Natalie (Adrianna Miles) but she only has eyes for Paul (Fred Cavalli), a sensitive writer.  When she’s showing off the Yanaglachi skeleton to Paul, Yuri gets so jealous that he slugs Paul with its skull and cuts him with it.  That night, Paul predictably turns into a werewolf and goes around killing people.  In the end, Natalie’s able to sooth the savage beast and (SHOCK!) becomes a werewolf herself. 

 

So you see, when I call this movie retarded, it’s totally justified.  Honestly, what other word can you think of that describes a werewolf driving a car?  That’s just what it is… retarded. 

 

Also, for whatever reason, everyone in this movie speaks in impenetrable accents and you’ll be lucky if you only understand about every third word they’re saying.  (Miles refers to the werewolf as a “Waur-wilf!”!)  Plus, Rivero’s hair changes from scene to scene, which adds to the film’s unending WTF-ness.

 

Another astonishing fact is that there are no less than FOUR werewolves in this movie and none of them are any good.  Seriously, the make-up in this flick makes the werewolf from Teen Wolf Too look like An American Werewolf in London.  Not only that, but the ending totally rips off of Wolf as well. 

 

And you thought all those Howling sequels were bad. 

 

P.S.  Remember:  You can always tell who’s a Yanaglachi by his sleeping habits!  “They sleep like a coyote, nose to anus!”

 

AKA:  Arizona Werewolf.

Tags: horror, mst3k, w, werewolf
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