The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum

FUTURE WAR (1997) *

An alien slave known only as “Runaway” (Daniel Bernhardt) escapes to Earth and is hunted by an evil cyborg (Robert Z’Dar) and his hungry “Trackers” (a bunch of rubber dinosaur puppets).  Runaway shacks up with a hot nun (Travis Brooks Stewart) with a shady past (she used to be a junkie prostitute don’t ya know) and together they team up to blow up a lot of toy dinosaurs.


Future War is one of those movies that is so mercilessly stupid that you just have to laugh.  Nothing in the movie makes sense.  Dinosaurs?  Cyborgs with mullets?  Nuns who used to be hookers?  Your brain might not be able to cope with the unending parade of idiocy that is this movie.


Bernhardt is a pathetic hero.  He looks like an emaciated Jean Claude Van Damme and has all the screen presence of a turnip.  Like JCVD, he is a kickboxer and gets to strut his kickboxing stuff several times during the flick.  I’m not going to argue that the guy has some athletic skill but he’s got zero charisma.  Z’Dar is thoroughly wasted and his clunky get-up doesn’t do him any favors.  Stewart isn’t bad, although she is given very little to do aside from being annoyingly chipper. 


This movie also sets some kind of record for fight scenes involving empty cardboard boxes.  The sight of a second rate kickboxing actor throwing cardboard boxes at a portly cyborg is one that will stay will you for a long time.  The flick also has some of the most glaring continuity errors in the history of cinema (pay close attention to Bernhardt’s reappearing wounds during the finale) that will have you shaking your head in disbelief. 


Look fast for a cameo by Famous Monsters of Filmland creator, Forrest J. Ackerman as a victim of the dinosaur’s bloodthirsty rampage.

Tags: f, mst3k, sci-fi
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