I can’t remember too much of what happened in the original Underworld movie, mostly because it stunk more than a two dollar hooker’s twat. I do recall that it had something to do with vampires fighting werewolves; except the filmmakers were too candy-assed to actually call them werewolves, so they called them “Lycans”. Oh yeah, and it featured Kate Beckinsale in skintight leather looking all kinds of hot. That’s about it.
The opening narration to the sequel, Underworld: Evolution wasn’t much help at refreshing my memory as it mostly consisted of a lot of confusing narration over choppily edited scenes from the original. What I gathered was that the hottie vampire played by Kate was trying to protect her boy toy (Scott Speedman) because he is a “Hybrid”; a man that’s part vampire and part werewolf. Pretty soon, this gargoyle looking motherfucker gets loose and wants this necklace that Speedman’s got so he’s got to kung fu him every twenty minutes or so. We also learn a lot more annoying exposition that further complicates things. Eventually Kate gets fed up and bitch slaps the gargoyle dude into the blades of a helicopter and turns that son of a bitch into Gargoyle Salsa.
I tried to give a shit about this movie. I honestly did. I mean any flick that features Kate Beckinsale in skintight leather SHOULD command my complete attention, right? Sadly, her exquisite figure draped in form-fitting leather is the sole reason to watch this cum stain of a movie.
Underworld: Evolution is a smorgasbord of stupidity. The plot is such a fucking mess that one character actually laughs in disbelief when a major plot point is revealed! I kid you not. Also, a lot of this movie is just straight up redundant. I mean Kate’s supposed to be a “Death Dealer” but I kinda have to doubt her credentials because mostly she just shoots monsters with round after round of ammunition and the monsters still don’t die. Her solution? Shoot them with MORE bullets! And get a load of the laughable scene where the supposedly “psychic” gargoyle had to stoop to using a computer to find his prey’s whereabouts.
The action scenes are all kind of useless and lose a lot of their luster because you can’t really care about what the fuck’s going on. There’s also this lame ass opening sequence that takes place in the Middle Ages where everyone dresses like they’re about to play Dungeons and Dragons or something. Basically what happens in this scene is that the vampires hate the werewolves (I REFUSE to call them “Lycans” because that would just make me sound like an asshole.) so they cut off their heads and stuff.
The werewolves themselves are pathetic looking and the CGI transformation scenes are supremely shitty. Where’s Jack Pierce when you need him? I will give director Len Wiseman credit for making the whole movie look like a living, breathing version of a Molly Hatchet album cover.
Kate had a No Ta-Ta’s Clause in her contract on this flick, probably because Wiseman is her hubby. The result is one sorry ass excuse for a sex scene. He did give us a lot of lingering shots of her bare belly button though.