The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

SKINWALKERS (2007) *

No matter how bad a movie is (and let me tell ya something folks, Skinwalkers IS bad) I can usually stomach it as long as it’s got three of the following: 

 

1.  A group of greasy villains who pursue the heroes and demand that they hand over a youngster, whom they intend to sacrifice; usually while saying shit like, “Give us the boy!” and “All we want... is the child!”

 

2.  A character making a startling realization accompanied by a slow motion shot of his coffee cup shattering and making an echo-y “Ka-Cha-ha-ha” sound.

 

3.  A wizened old Native American medicine man that imparts wisdom to the white heroes who gets ruthlessly murdered and is never missed.

 

Skinwalkers has all three of these wonderful ingredients, yet it’s still a monumental waste of 90 minutes. 

 

There’s a prophecy about a 12 year-old kid who will bring about the end for all Skinwalkers (or “werewolves”, as we used to call them in my day) on his 13th birthday.  There are two factions of Skinwalkers:  Good Skinwalkers who believe they are cursed and welcome the idea of being human, and Bad Skinwalkers who like being wolfy and eating people.  The Bad Skinwalkers are led by this guy who looks like Michael Hutchence if he didn’t auto-eroticize himself to death who along with his Native American biker buddies (or at least people who are spray tanned so they kinda resemble Native Americans) set out to find the kid and murder him.  The pipsqueak is protected by Casey Jones from Ninja Turtles and that hot chick from Doomsday so the kid at least has a fighting chance.

 

The thing I couldn’t figure out about Skinwalkers was why the people waited to change into werewolves until an hour into the film.  I mean all they do is get into Walker Texas Ranger style shootouts every ten minutes or so.  Then once I saw the actual werewolves, I understood why they didn’t spend a lot of time as their hairier selves.  The werewolf make-up was about on par with Teen Wolf Too.

 

Man, what’s up with these movies like Skinwalkers and Underworld where they simply refuse to call the werewolves “werewolves”?  I don’t get it man.  I mean the movie had a semi-decent premise (It had greasy guys saying “All we want... is the child!” for God’s sakes!), but the execution is completely wretched.  It’s as if director James Isaac forgot everything he learned on Jason X and decided to go the pussy-fied PG-13 horror movie route with Werewolves In Name Only.

 

The Bottom Line:  The Howling IV it is not.

Tags: horror, s, werewolf
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