When a nosy groundskeeper steals a haunted movie script from an antique movie collector and reads it, he unleashes a fictional female killer. When the killer corners him he says, “What are you gonna do, fire me?”, and she flamethrowers him to death! (The asbestos flame retardant suit used by the stuntman is clearly visible.) Some vacationing kids and the stereotypical jive talking token black teen (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3’s Ken Sagoes) show up and discover the body of the burnt up guy, but decide to stay anyway. They play some volleyball (they are no Maverick and Goose) and hang out at a nearby abandoned movie set. When a couple has sex in a barn, the chick wears a flimsy top and the guy says, “The only thing that would look good on you is me!”, then she gets on TOP of him, which totally negates the joke. (She also keeps her underwear on too.) During the midst of their tryst, an evil force blows her through the back of the barn. When the clueless dude runs into the woods to find her, he runs smack dab into a bad 80’s hair band music video. The lead singer says “When the axe comes down!” and the bassist hits the guy over the head with his guitar and his head explodes!
I’m not making this up.
Then a detective shows up and gets sucked into the ground and has his face turned into peach cobbler. When the collector tells everyone about the script’s haunted past, Sagoes says, “I’m getting the fuck outta here!”, but the script conveniently traps them in the house. The teens decide to rewrite the script but they fare no better than the people who wrote this movie. In the end, a pasty faced killer opens up the gates of Hell and two dirt bike riding zombies come riding out to terrorize the teens. They finally put a stop to all the craziness by burying the script with the screenwriter.
Though the movie does little with an interesting premise (the fictional script doesn’t make any sense and is just an excuse to kill people), it does feature shit I’ve never seen in a movie before (A slow motion striptease in front of an Indy car racer that ends in decapitation). Sagoes’ role is little more than an 80’s version of Mantan Moreland, but at least he gets top billing. The title is pretty appropriate because whenever anyone speaks in this movie, it grinds to a halt, but at least it’s chock full of insane moments and laugh out loud cheesiness. Produced by veteran hackmeisters Joseph Merhi and Richard Pepin.