For the past 9 years I have watched Elves on Dec.23rd as a Christmas Holiday Double Feature. The second film is usually Jack Frost (the killer rapist snowman one not that Michael Keaton bullshit) but this year we decided to watch Christmas Evil afterwards. Every year I mean to write the “definitive” Elves review and every year I always end up not writing it because there is no way to definitively review Elves. You have to watch it at my house with about a dozen or so of my closest friends and family to get that experience. We sit around the tube, rip it apart Mystery Science Theater style, and laugh, laugh, laugh.
Elves is the 80’s equivalent of Plan 9 from Outer Space. It is a movie so bad on so many levels that it defies logic. During the film you doubt your sanity so many times that by the end, you are truly convinced that you have just watched a work of genius.
Basically there’s this girl named Kirsten who “bemoans Christmas” and tries to have some sort of Anti-Christmas demonstration out in the forest with her two bubble-headed girlfriends. For reasons too stupid to even mention, she ends up cutting her hand and when her blood hits the ground, it causes a rubbery looking elf to emerge.
If you’re waiting for any more elves to show up, forget it. Despite the title, there is only one damn elf in the whole damn movie.
Anyway, Kirsten’s wheelchair bound grandfather slaps her around a bit before she takes a shower. Her little brother catches her toweling off and proclaims, “You’ve got fucking big tits and I’m going to tell everybody I saw them!” During the night, the elf sneaks in and attacks her brother but nobody believes he saw a “fucking ninja troll!”
The next day Kirsten takes a break at her job at “Golem’s” department store to sit on Santa’s lap. Santa is a perv and she slaps him. “SANTA SAID ‘ORAL’!” Santa gets chewed out by the store manager and goes to snort some coke. Unfortunately for him, the elf has a big time vendetta against him for touching Kirsten so he stabs the Santa repeatedly in the crotch with a butcher knife.
This scene is great not only because of the gratuitous crotch stabbing but for the fact that there’s a greasy looking two foot tall elf running around a department store AND NOBODY SEES IT.
About this time, Grizzly Adams starts hanging around the film as the chain-smoking ex-detective, Mike. Because Grizzly Adams is fat and has a beard, he’s called upon to be the new Santa. First kid on his lap mistakes him for a urinal. “Ho-ho-oh-my-God!”
While Grizzly is cleaning himself up, he talks to the chalk outline of the deceased Santa (with fresh blood stains on the crotch). Grizzly also notices a symbol that looks suspiciously a lot like Prince’s former insignia. He tells himself, “You’re not a detective anymore!”, but still tries to solve the murder.
Grizzly is homeless so he duct tapes the lock on the back door of the store so he can live in his dressing room. Kirsten gets her idiot girlfriends to hang out after hours at the store so they can party it up with some guys. There’s a lot of rigmarole about the damn duct tape so every time you see someone putting the duct tape on the door or taking it off, feel free to take a shot of eggnog. You’re going to need it.
It’s around this time that we learn that Nazis have bred the elf so it can mate with Kirsten on Christmas at the stroke of . Their offspring will be the Anti-Christ and will bring about the end of the world. If you all know me, you know I’m a sucker for a movie in which the titular monster has to mate with the leading lady.
While the girls are shacked up in the department store, the elf shows up with a Santa hat on and... Look folks, words just aren’t cutting it here. You have to see this movie for yourself. Words can’t describe how great the “Elf-Cam” is. I’d love to express to you how wonderful Grizzly Adams is when he emotes, “What forces? Who’s trying to destroy me?”, but I just lack the vocabulary. As much as I want to share with you details of the classic dinner table scene, I know full well that the only way to experience what makes that scene so awesome is by letting you watch it for yourself.
I want you to fully realize how great the final shot of the film is. I want your mind to boggle at the Chinatown-esque incest angle. I want you to experience every second of the immortal bath tub death scene. No matter what I say here people; it just won’t do the movie justice. You have to see this one for yourself. If you can’t get a hold of a copy, maybe you can join me next Christmas to watch it.