The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum

PRIMEVAL (2007) *

I remember when the previews for this flick started coming out back in '06 hyping it up to be "Based on the True Story About Africa's Worst Serial Killer".  As it turns out, it's really all about a killer crocodile.  HUH!?!  Who was the rocket scientist who came up with THAT idea?  "Hey let's market our killer crocodile movie as a serial killer flick to lure in the Seven crowd!"  Jesus.  Sometimes I REALLY hate Hollywood.  


Anyway, Primeval is about (if you can't already tell) a killer crocodile that's on the loose in Africa.  The morose motherfucker from Prison Break plays this CNN (not the REAL CNN, but the fake kind that makes you think it's CNN) producer who goes to Africa to do a story on the killer croc.  The croc's name is Gustave by the way.  (Seriously, what kind of Ellen DeGeneres name is that for a KILLER crocodile?)  Orlando Jones (WHERE THE FUCK HAS THAT DUDE BEEN?) is the jive-talking cameraman and Jurgen (House of the Dead) Prochnow is the great white hunter dude.  Mostly though, they just sit around and mope, talking about How Bad Africa Is and Why Genocidal Civil War Sucks instead of hunting the goddamn crocodile. 


Primeval was released around the same time as Rogue, another killer croc movie.  You know how Hollywood is.  One movie isn't enough.  They got to make these fucking flicks in pairs.  Why have one volcano movie when you can have two?  Why stop at one movie about Wyatt Earp when you can make two?  Since Primeval was written by the guys who concocted Terminator 3, I expected it to be at least halfway decent.  I was wrong.  (Of course, these guys also wrote Catwoman, The Net, and Mindwarp, so what the Hell was I thinking?)  This one is their worst one yet.  There is one good scene in which the crocodile bites an African soldier in half when he's in the midst of trying to rape a white woman.  That shit was priceless.  Too bad the movie didn't have any more of these I Spit on Your Croc moments.


This flick is dumber than a burlap sack filled with your grandmother's toenail clippings.  Seriously, at one point Orlando Jones turns to the African natives and asks them, "Did you ever see Jaws?"  Oh yeah, Orlando I'm sure they got that shit on DVD and watch it on their 42 inch plasma screen that hangs in their fucking tent right above their prized pile of dried animal hides and bone necklaces.  Fucking douche bag.  He also says stuff like, "This croc is like O.J. Simpson.  He messed up when he killed that white woman!"  Dear God, do you believe this shit was written down on paper then recited aloud in public while someone filmed it?


That's not all that sucks about this movie.  The cinematography wouldn't cut it on Nat Geo, the gore is weak, and the CGI was shitty.  (Although it's Regular Movie shitty and not Sci-Fi Channel Movie shitty.)  Setting the movie in Africa doesn't do the flick any favors either.  Truth is, Africa isn't a fun place to set a movie.  It sure isn't the mean streets of New York or Tatooine, I'll tell you that.  To me, people who WILLINGLY travel to Africa to see a mammoth killer crocodile deserve what they get.  If I want to watch a bad ass movie that takes place in Africa, I'll watch Shaft in Africa, thank you very much.  Hey, remember when I was talking about the previews that made it look like this movie was about an African serial killer?  Well... maybe THAT'S what the flick should've been about. 


Prison Break dude gets the best line of the flick when he asks his wormy boss, "You want to show the world who has the biggest croc?"

Tags: horror, p
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